The Vampire Diaries · Season 5
No, Elena, I can't be your friend. It's too damn hard.
Damon-
No, I'm serious, Elena - I can't see you anymore. I don't wanna hear your voice, I don't wanna talk to you, I don't even want to look at you, and I sure as hell don't want to be your friend.
Oh, I’m so sorry to interrupt...whatever weird ritual you two were doing but, I just wanted to de-passenger the great citizens of Mystic Falls using the magical Traveler knife so, hand it over.
It’s gonna be a problem...
Five words that make me wanna vamp-toss my keys into your chest cavity. Little Gilbert, help me in the fight against my dark side and elaborate, please.
We can’t find it.
As in, you lost it?
As in, it’s not here!
You're right. Don’t invite me in, because I will kill both of you.
I can't join my friends for a cup of tea?
Damon, your friend, uh, singular, isn't here, and we're a little busy right now.
And we're stuck here because Damon said he'd twist off our kneecaps if we left.
Perfect. You [Tyler] avoid the entire Czech language, figure out how to find Markos.
How am I supposed to do that?
Well, you have a Traveler inside of you. I mean, I have probably misplaced faith that you'll figure it out. Meanwhile, you and I and our ex-girlfriend are gonna go on a little secret trip.
Good news! So we don't have to be invite in, which is actually super sad if you think about it.
What game?
Charades. Our theme is secrets that people think they're getting away with.
Well, Meryl Streep, I'd love to know how we're gonna act out Watergate.
Well, I'm sure team Stelena will figure it out.
A, you just implied that I was on your team. Two, you just gave me that judge little hinty voice. So what am I missing?
It's probably nothing.
Speak.
Well, don't you think that Stefan and Elena have been a little... you know?
No. Clearly I don't.
Secretive? I caught them being all hushed and whispery at the car this morning, and now they're getting firewood out of the shed together, which apparently takes twenty minutes.
You know, now that you mention it, Elena got all cagey when I brought up Enzo.
No, no. I'm not talking about Enzo. I'm talking about Stefan and Elena.
How much have you had to drink?
One part wolfsbane, one part vervain. All together, the dumbest idea that either of you have ever had.
Enzo! You in here?
Don't reckon I'd miss this.
Because knock it off!
It doesn't make any sense. If Enzo wanted to kill Elena, drowning her wouldn't work.
Smart girl. See why you like her so much.
Maybe he's just trying to scare us.
Warmer. (No says anything) Come on! You've almost got it. What is Enzo up to?
Drowning Elena was just a distraction. He figured out a way to kill us all in one fell swoop.
Did I mention that I missed you?
What did you think I was going to do?
What are you talking about?
When I found out Enzo's dead? Did you think I was gonna go on a rampage, slaughter a bunch of innocent people, go bowling with human head? What'd you think I was gonna do?
Mr... Sikes, head of corporate accounts. Oops. Sorry about that. Yeah. Can't have you mumbling any of those annoying Traveler ditties. It's a sure migraine. So here's the deal. My brother and my girl have both been kidnapped by Travelers, and I can't seem to find them anywhere. I mean, like, poof, gone, right? So besides a completely clueless hybrid in my basement and a cave full of sleeping Travelers, I've got nothing to go on except you, so I'm gonna need you to tell me where I can find your leader Markos. [Caroline sighs] What's up, Blondie?
You have Elena participating in squirrel slaughter?
Believe me, she's no happier about it than I am.
Heh heh. She'll shoot your eye out.
He says you promised to bring him back.
Uh, you're paraphrasing. He said, quote, I will find a way.
Whatever.
Hello. Still here, and I know what I said.
Bey. Remind him he doesn't have a very good track record for keeping promises.
Please stop talking.
The other side is on the brink of collapse. I plan on pestering all of you until I'm safely returned to the land of the living.
You need to fix this before I lose my mind.
Hey. I'm sorry, ok? I've got two missing Doppelgängers, I've got a Traveler that wants to rid our town of magic, and I've got the friendly banker Mr. Sikes in the coat closet, so escape from the netherworld's gonna have to wait until tomorrow. [Enzo throws a bottle of booze into fireplace]
I think he wants to be penciled in for today.
[Diner: Liv is sitting at a table when Luke enters and sits opposite her.]
I ordered us waffles. I figured our last meal wouldn't be complete until we poured liquid sugar all over it.
[Looking at a menu] My ray of sunshine sister.
[Lowers Luke's menu] The coven's pissed, Luke. You were supposed to hide Stefan and Elena from the Travelers, and you practically delivered them on a silver platter.
Okay, how was I suppose to know that "Casper the English Ghost" would be a complication?
That's not the point. We were never suppose to let things get this far. We got sucked into some stupid "let's be friends," trap.
Look, these people are nice, okay? More than I can say for our screwed up family.
[The utensils sitting in front of Luke begin to shake violently. Luke gets a headache and clutches his head while groaning in pain.]
What are you doing?
It's not me. Like I said, the coven is pissed.
Fine, I'm listening!
[The utensils stop shaking.]
We were supposed to keep the doppelgängers from falling into Markos' hands. We failed. We can't let them succeed in taking away our magic. There's only one move left: We have to kill Stefan and Elena.
Yeah. [Sips from his drink.]
How many, um--ahem--you know, are we supposed to have before we get our strength back?
More than we've had, that's for sure. Let me know if you see a damn buffalo.
This is depressing.
Yeah. More depressing than walking for miles and no knowing where the hell you're going?
No, probably not more depressing than that.
Damon is in full hero mode today.
I'm sure he was thrilled about that.
I don't know. He had the whole savior of the universe voice going on.
I like that voice. You know, maybe this whole thing's a sign.
A sign of what?
My blood can literally destroy him. If that's not a sign that were in a toxic relationship--
Our blood, all right, our blood. Don't hog the blame. Look. We're vampires. We're a toxic species. Whether you want to blame it on magic or biology, it's just who we are. When a human gets ravenously hungry, they eat a double cheeseburger. We kill people. Some of us are more extreme than others, but that's just who we are.
How come you're so much better at controlling it?
Because I'm so much worse when I don't. I'm only gonna say this once. You two are miserable without each other, so if you want to be with him, just be with him. Look. When humans want to break free from complicated relationships, they go to therapy. Vampires get a pass, ok?
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