Angel Martin quotes from The Rockford Files

Angel

I don't go by Angel anymore...

Jim

Just who are you? The Archduke of Guacamole?

Angel

Now, who would want to kill me?

Jim

You want the list alphabetically or in order of importance?

Jim

Ranch’o Angelo! Sort of takes your breath away, doesn’t it?

Angel

It’s a DUMP! What a DUMP!

Jim

I don’t know, once you get in the Orange Groves and riding stables it won’t look too bad.

Angel

Do you think it’s funny?

Jim

No Angel, I don’t think it’s funny. As a matter of fact it scares me to death. I think it’s about time we take this to the cops.

Lt. Doug Chapman

Bobby Boyajian's brothers tell us that you two guys took the kid apart in the wedding chapel in La Jolla, and now he's dead. So don't sit there like butter wouldn't melt in your mouths!

Jim

I don't care what they say, we didn't start anything, it was Boyajian himself.

Angel

That's right, they're a bunch of liars, if you've ever dealt with the Boyajians, you'd know what creeps they are!

Lt. Doug Chapman

Mr. Martin, Bobby's sister Regine said that you telephoned her at Azie Boyajian's house last night, you tried to arrange a meeting with her brother so you could iron out some problems, is that right?

Jim

Wait a minute, Angel, you did what?

Angel

Regine can't testify against me, she's my legal wife.

Lt. Doug Chapman

Regine hung up on you, Mr. Martin, so maybe you telephoned Bobby at his home and he agreed to meet you.

Dennis Becker

Bobby's wound was point-blank. It had to be somebody who knew him, somebody who could walk right up to him.

Lt. Doug Chapman

Right. So what I'm saying is this: you (points at Angel), or you (points at Jim) or both of you met Bobby and got what you really wanted, which wasn't to iron out any problems, but to fill the kid's face with double-aught buckshot!

Dennis Becker

It was birdshot, Lieutenant!

Beth Davenport

[Slams her purse on table] Birdshot, buckshot, how much speculation do we have to listen to?! You may have a motive, maybe opportunity, but do you have an eyewitness, a weapon, anything that's at all solid?

Jim

Well, I think that ought to take care of that. I don't think the District Attorney's office is gonna file on loose charges, will they?

Lt. Doug Chapman

Sit down, Rockford!

Jim

What for, you can't file a charge?

Lt. Doug Chapman

Not on the homicide, not yet. But I've got you on fraud, grand theft! Complaint signed by the Boyajian brothers. Sergeant, get somebody from the Bunko Squad up here, book these guys for the Red Barn Con. [Dennis leaves. Chapman removes the visitors' passes from Rockford and Angel's chests] Like I said, sit down, gentlemen.

Angel

Hey, Jimmy, how you're doing? [Jim and Beth glare at him angrily] What are you cheesing me about, I got you off the bunko rap!

Jim

Angel, you get too close to me, I'm gonna pull out your beard hair by hair!

Angel

Hey, it ain't like you're the one who got the chargin', no, I mean it wasn't your partner that got beaten to death. You're not the one who's got somebody going to hit you over the head with a lead pipe. For you, it's over with!

Hey! Hey, what are you two guys doing out on the street?

Angel

Hey Azie, how are you? I'm so terribly sorry to hear about Bobby.

Beth Davenport

[Leads Jim away] Jim, just keep walking. Don't say anything, I mean it!

Rockford, you scumbag, don't you turn your back on me!

Azie, don't get into it, not here!

Yeah, we gotta pick up Bobby's belongings, then I guess we're gonna give them to the Goodwill, cause he ain't never gonna use them no more. His whole face is gone! Then the police lets sleaze like you go free, huh? Okay, so be it! We know where to find both of you!

Beth Davenport

I'm Mr. Rockford's attorney, should I interpret that as a threat?

Come on, come on! [The Boyajians leave]

Jim

[Glares at Angel] It's over, huh?

Beth Davenport

Jim, I think the thing for you to do is just lay low until the cops nab Bobby's killer. These guys will cool off.

Angel

But they ain't gonna make that call if they're set on sticking me and Jimmy with the killing. I'm talking about survival now, you're gonna have to try and find that murderer!

Beth Davenport

Oh no, no, absolutely not. I don't want--

Jim

[Interjects] Beth. Beth, he's right. It's either that or we wait to join the melon rinds in the back of some garbage truck.

Angel

This was supposed to be my honeymoon. I had a good woman and look what I did. I could have been with her tonight, holding that warm, sweet body instead of this fungo bat.

Jim

Save the Hank Williams, will you? I left my fiddle at home.

Angel

What, I ain't entitled to have regrets?

Jim

The only thing you're upset about is the spot you're in. What about the spot you handed Regine, huh? I wouldn't be surprised now if she turns off men completely.

Angel

Oh, come on.

Jim

It happens, Angel. It happens. Let me tell you something, if I had my choice between you and her right now, I'd pick her.

Angel

Jimmy, I had to stay alive.

Jim

You're alive. Be happy. You have plenty of good years left for sniveling and complaining.

Jim

[Enters; sees Angel, slams the door] Angel, I am in a foul mood today and the last person I wanna see is you, so out!

Angel

I can feature you being browned off at me, Jim, so I'm not gonna stick around, but I was hoping that maybe I could stash my stuff here. See, Regine's annulment petition went through and I gotta give her my entire collection as part of the settlement. Well, I mean, originals, collectors items! Avery Joe Hunter, Little Walter...

Jim

You wanna hide them here, after what you've done? Look, as far as I'm concerned, Regine deserves all four of your limbs.

Angel

Wait till you go through a divorce, we'll see what kind of tune you sing!

Jim

I might as well have gone through one, I had lunch with a banker today. You know, I have to refinance my trailer to pay back a $2,000 debt for that property option, also owe a bill for the rental of a bulldozer, Rocky won't even talk to me because his friend's camper did a patty melt.

[Outside, knocks on the door] Jim!

Angel

What is she doing here?

Jim

Well, she said she might drop by, she wants me to help track down an old boyfriend of her.

Angel

You mean that bozo Donny Angle, I know all about that that guy. But you don't do missing persons work.

Jim

For her I do, I might even do it for free. You know, if I didn't know you were such a lizard, I might think you were jealous.

Jim

What am I supposed to do, she's out there?!

Angel

What does he mean by calling me a halibut?

Jim

It's a fish that swims on the bottom.

Angel

I don't like him.

Jim

Well, the name I came up with is Rafael Sabatini.

Angel

Well, let me finish my story, huh? Sabatini. That's the name I got from four or five guys. Sabatini.

Jim

Angel, Rafael Sabatini has been dead for a coupla hundred years.

Beth Davenport

I hope Angel won't say anything that's gonna get Rocky into trouble.

Jim

Hey, Angel has been in stir. He knows better than to talk without his lawyer present. And you're his lawyer. Angel knows better. He'll keep his mouth shut.

Angel

See, you wanna be talking to Jim Rockford and his father, Joseph. Let me spell that for you. That's Rockford. R-O-C-K-F-O-R-D. The guy's got a record, too, you know, but the State, they pardoned him. But you know the State, they just practically give them pardons away. This guy and his dad, they're dirty. You talk about marked bills and mob money. You want to find these guys right away. I wouldn't waste any time. Now, Rocky, that's the father, he's at the Palm Shores Hotel. That's in Hawaii. A lot of mob guys hang out there. I'd grab him and I wouldn't let him go. I'd grab him right away if I was you.

You better be straight with us, Martin.

Angel

Straight? Straight? I'm so straight, my back's hurting.

You better be. We've got a shopping list of charges to hang on somebody. You're pretty handy right now.

Angel

Who me? Charges?

Five to ten for fraud. Five to ten for conspiracy to avoid taxes. Five to ten, obstructing justice. Twenty to life, accessory to murder.

Angel

Murder? Wait a minute. Wait a second. I wouldn't murder no one, not for a couple of Cs. Look, you want to talk to the Rockford gang. That's R-O-C-K-F-O-R-D.

Angel

[getting a haircut from Rocky] I-I'm gonna interject something here. I appreciate the fact you're cutting my hair for free, because I'm so broke, but, uh, we're not getting that layered look that we were talking about, you know. Maybe we should wash it with some of that organic shampoo, you know what I mean? Then cut it while it's wet and then give it a blow-dry.

Rocky

What?

Angel

Well, that's how they do it in Beverly Hills.

Rocky

Yeah, well this is how we did it in the Seabees, and we all looked like men.

Jim

But I will need a diversion so I can get back to Bloomberg's room and try to talk to him.

Angel

Oh! Now we're getting to the nitty-gritty. Now it's beginning to make sense. "Come on over to Rocky's, Angel." Serve my favorite food. First time I been invited over here for so much as a glass of water!

Rocky

[to Mary Jo] I could use a little help in the kitchen with the coffee and dessert.

Angel

Forget about the dessert! You don't buy Angel Martin with a couple of drumsticks and some red eye gravy.

Angel

I wrote a book about the whole thing.

Jim

You have trouble writing your laundry list!

Two men stopped me outside a pizza parlor..thed promise to break my legs if that's books published..what you call a touch up, needs mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Angel

Oh great..one threat and he folds up..everyone makes out on the deal except me.

Jim

I wouldn't say that...you do get something out of it...not worth much.

Angel

Yeah, what?

Jim

Your life.

Angel

What I am tryin' to demonstrate to you is what true influence is worth. I'm not talkin' small time, I'm talkin' the big bag job in the sky!

Angel

Anytime Chapman starts to bother you or any of your friends, you call Angel Martin. I'll have him crated and shipped to the apple orchard indefinitely, for which I'll pick up a little money or favor from...

Jim

Well, that could be dangerous, Angel. That's what's called influence peddling!

Angel

Peddling? I ain't a peddler. A peddler is a guy who stands on a corner and eats exhaust fumes!