Angel Martin quotes from The Rockford Files

[drags his brother-in-law into a private room, both men missing their pants] I want the addresses of the three people who held up this party, and I want them now!

Angel

What! You think I set this up?

Look, you just put down their names, I'll do my best to help you with the police! Write down their names! [he slaps a pad and pen down in front of Angel] Now write down their names! I wanna a name and I want it now!

Angel

You wanna name?

I wanna name!

Angel

All righty, I'm gonna give you a name. [he picks up the pen] C! That's for the community property that you'll be spliting. Y! That's for the youngish looks she has. N! That's for the nights you spent in Newport. T! That's for the telling of the wife. H...!

[looking uneasy] Look, knock it off.

Angel

...That's for the home you're gonna lose in Bel Air. I is for the interest for my silence, and A is for the alimony you gonna be stuck with. You wanna name, Aaron? There's a name for you. Cynthia. Anyway you spell it, it means trouble!

Jim

What's Chapman doing working the door?

Angel

Chapman and a couple of other off-duty cops are here acting as security cuz there's a lot of important people. We've got four police commissioners, we've got a deputy mayor, we've got two deputy police chiefs. Thing is bigger than Cher's birthday.

Jim

O.K., what's the problem? It's a simple phone call, I'd do it myself, but he'd recognize my voice.

Angel

What's the real deal here? Who are the big fish about to be fried?

Jim

What are you babbling about?

Angel

I just got here. But you know ole Angel, I can always smell the grand green. You can start by telling little Margaritte she can drop the blind act. I ain't gonna snitch on her.

Jim

[Incredulously] What is the matter with you? She IS blind! She had an accident 10 years ago! Now you get...

Angel

[laughing] Jimmy, Jimmy. I know the moves. I know how it's done, son. I did two months as Blind Lemon Martin on Market St. up in 'Frisco. Dobro guitar and harmonica rack, sad-like and miserable, you know how bad I play. But I did 1500 bucks worth of quarters in a month. [whispers intently] The sympathy factor!

Jim

If we could see a pictorial representation of your mind it would look like a fire drill in a state asylum.

Angel

Yea, well anyway I know she's a classy lady, got a body by Pininfarina and all that. Now I know it ain't no low-grade scam like mine. So what is it? Is she fronting for some charity? She goes around to all the big corporations and you come along as the packager of the telethon? I love it. LOVVVVE IT! Let me in on it, Jimmy. I can be the research doctor, take a painless 2%.

Jim

You'll get in for what I give you. [He shoves him through door] Get in there!

This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.

Angel

[beeep] Jimmy! Angel! Listen, Eddie Talavora just give me a hot tip on a class filly in the eighth out at Holly Park. Only problem is I need a twenty!

Angel

Jimmy! Open up! [Bangs on door]

Jim

[Frustrated] Angel, if you're up here about Buster Hutchins and his roadway church...

Angel

No, no,no. It's bad, Jimmy, it's bad. It's like a nightmare. I've been through living hell. I was at your trailer, y'know, these two guys...

Jim

No, I don't know! Why were you in my trailer?

Angel

I was returning your movie camera, y'know Rocky gave me the key and I was cleaning the lens off when these two guys walk in - Jimmy, one of them looked like a cross between George Hamilton and Dracula. I told him: Buddy, take it out in the street...

Jim

You told them where I was, didn't you, Angel!

Angel

Yea, but I tried to hang tough Jimmy, but they worked me over for a couple of hours, they even shocked me with a 110-volt line!

Jim

Yea right! How long did you hold out? Did you make 15 seconds?

Angel

Jimmy!

Jim

Angel, the only reason you came up here is because you know that if I somehow make it out of here alive, I would come after you with a sickle!

Angel

That's the thanks I get for my loyalty? After risking my neck? After driving through the worst terrain in southern California, with a severe head wound, and a gas station attendant that hardly knew where the cabin was?

Jim

[grabs Angel by the collar] Angel, you're driving me crazy, you understand? I'm going crazy and I can't take it anymore!

Angel

Jimmy...

Jim

Years and years and years! I'm going out of my mind! Your stu-pid, ri-diculous lies and ideas and games year after year!

Angel

[croaks] ... give me my windpipe...

Jim

[lets go, looks at his hands; they're shaking] Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! [collapses against fence in hopelessness]

Angel

[timidly] Jimmy...

Jim

Just don't say anything! Just don't-say-anything!

Angel

Hey Jimmy...

Jim

What?

Angel

I'm sorry...

Angel

Stick of gum?

Jim

[Jim and Angel are trying to figure out why all these people are after them, killed Kramer, and didn't take Rocky's Bronkbuster jeans] Or, no, maybe... maybe it's because they already knew everything about them.

Angel

Huh?

Jim

Ah.

Angel

What?

Jim

[Takes a bite of his taco] Mmm-hmm...

Angel

Good idea, Jim, except I thought you oughta know that if you try to take off with my share of the treasure, I'll take old Joe here as a hostage.

Rocky

[shakes his cane at him] Now you just try and old Joe will stove your head in!

Angel

[trying to sound menacing] Hey, buckaroo, I don't let nobody outta my sight. This is the big one! This is the big score! I don't sleep. I sit on my blanket with my gun on my lap and I keep an eye on you all night long...

Jim

[unimpressed, he looks at Althea Morgan] Yeah, Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Humphrey Bogart, Walter Huston, Tim Holt; terrific ending. Almost everybody ate a bullet!

Angel

Sucker bets! Would I bring you sucker bets?

Jim

You'd bring me a dead rat in your teeth if you thought there was twenty bucks in it for you!

Jim

You said you wanted to see me, Dennis?

Jim

Did you call me in because of him? I'm in the middle of a murder investigation.

Dennis Becker

And I'm right in the middle of my night off. Your friend Mr. Martin here thought you might be able to shed some light on how he happens to be housing eight Shetland ponies in a residential garage.

Angel

Jimmy, they got everybody including the Humane Society on my case. It's a three-car garage, there's plenty of room, I even left a light on.

Jim

I don't have time for this, Angel. Kendall was almost killed tonight, Princess Rachevsky is on her way down here to the station.

Angel

You haven't got time for this? It's because of your princess and you I got into this mess.

Jim

No, no, Angel, you got yourself into it. You always do.

Angel

That's it? That's your statement on my behalf?

Jim

That's it.

Angel

Look, look, Dennis... uh, Lieutenant...

Dennis Becker

This is Robbery/Homicide. Let's move it down to Bunco.

Angel

Bunco? Why, because I'm unfamiliar with your zoning laws?

Dennis Becker

Because besides finding the eight ponies, we found a forged British passport and a letter of recommendation from Queen Elizabeth! Let's go, Duke!