Red Green quotes from The Red Green Show

Red

Oh, you never see a vampire with a full-grown beard / Yet a vampire can't see his reflection / So a lack of facial hair is unbelievably weird / 'Cause you'd think shaving would be out of the question.

Red

Trapper Jack was hunting bear / A dangerous hobby at best / We brought him back to the doctor in town / And he was a heck of a mess / There was some assembly required / Mostly teeth and bones and hair / Jack had always been good with a knife / But unfortunately, not quite as good as the bear.

Red

Sometimes I get to thinkin' / About all the mistakes I've made / All the people I've hurt / And all the bills I haven't paid / Sometimes I get to thinkin' / I should change and get on the ball... / But then I turn on the ol' TV and I don't get to thinkin' at all.

Red

Oh, they're weighin' the fish at the fish weigh-in / Down at Mercury Creek / First prize is a boat and a thousand bucks / For the biggest fish of the week / I caught me a nice little sunfish / It's gonna make me a winner / Not from the weight of the fish itself / But from the ball bearings I fed it for dinner.

Red

Oh, it looks like there's trouble brewing / At campsite number ten / Old Man Sedgewick is grillin' a fish / And his tent's on fire again / The couple at number fifteen / Their marriage has gone kaput / I don't mind the shouting and swearing / But their trailer bounced right on my foot / There's gunfire off in the distance / At campsite number six / Which proves what we knew all along / That relatives and hunting don't mix / So I'm packing up in the morning / If I stayed I'd be a lunatic / 'Cause all this shouting, swearing and gunfire / Has made me unbelievably, incredibly homesick.

Red

[Voice-over during closing credits of series finale] The years that followed saw a lot of changes to the Lodge members. Mike Hamar became the police chief of Possum Lake. With Mike having a legitimate job, the crime rate dropped to zero. Winston got a job investigating government corruption. He knew the territory. Dalton and Anne-Marie took a second chance at happiness by renewing their vows. Ed Frid became the leader of the local animal rights group. Hap Shaughnessy told us he'd been appointed ambassador to Guam. We hoped it was true. Edgar K. B. Montrose attempted to make his own heated recliner using plastic explosives. Hasn't been heard from since. Harold and Bonnie were slowly taking over the community. In fact, everybody changed except me.

Red Green

You’ve probably heard them say that ‘to err is human, but to really mess up you need a computer.’ I’m actually old enough to remember the years B.C. ‘Before Computers.’ Back then, the only use for silicon we knew about was from looking at pictures of pinup girls…which was also our introduction to the concept of ‘Virtual Reality.’ Life was a lot simpler when ‘boot up’ and ‘log on’ was something you did when you wanted to warm your feet by the fire. See, computers were in their infancy then, but like all infants, they eventually grow up to be teenagers and then take over your life. In the last few decades, computers have slowly but surely taken over every aspect of our existence, and there have been a bunch of us who have fought it every step of the way from punch cards to PC’s. Well, I salute the effort. But I’m here to tell you that the battle is over…and we lost, baby! We lost big time! The Palm Pilots have landed. Lay down your arms and get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome like everybody else. The enemy is at the gates…heck, the enemy may even be named Gates. Remember, I’m pulling for you. We’re all in this together.

Red Green

I got a letter from a viewer, seemed like a nice fella. Says he's never missed an episode. He wanted me to do one of these talks about memory loss. I didn't have the heart to tell him I've done three or four of them already. So here goes another one. Apparently, doing crossword puzzles will prevent memory loss. I-I heard that somewhere, can't remember where. Anyway, I thought I'd give it a try, so last night Bernice was gonna be home a bit late, she asked me to put the potatoes on well before she got there. So I did that, then I went into the living room and started on a crossword puzzle. The next thing you know, I'm kinda gazing off, thinking, "Boy, I used to know that word." Then, uh...then I heard the smoke alarm go off in the kitchen. And I realized that crosswords don't prevent memory loss, they confirm it. So I say this: don't worry about your memory. As long as you have a wallet and a tackle box, anything you want, you can either buy or fish for. And the only words you need to remember are the ones to explain to your wife how you burned her best pot boiling potatoes. And those words are, "That's what you get for asking me to cook." And there's one other thing you need to remember: I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Red Green

Want to talk to you guys about something all of us are looking for as we go down the highway of life — a half-decent parking spot. I call it "The Seven Stages of Parking." Stage One, you're a kid. All you have to park is your butt. Then you hit Stage Two, you're a teenager. Now you're out parking with a girl who has a pretty good chance of being your future wife. Followed by Stage Three, you're married with kids, now you're parking at McDonald's. The one with the play area. Then we have Stage Four. Kids are grown, and they're working — coincidentally, at McDonald's. You've now gone out, got yourself a sportscar, and you're caught parking with a girl who has no chance of being your future wife. Okay, this leads immediately to Stage Five. Now you're parking in the garage, where you're also living. Now comes Stage Six. You're old. No license, no car, no parking spot. Then we have Stage Seven. You're parked. I'm talking permanently. I mean, you got your own parking spot, even has your name over it. So the lesson here is: life is short, all right? Grab your shifter, move it out of park, and throw it into gear! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Red Green

[during the series finale] You know, my wife says I'm a person who has a hard time saying goodbye, but that depends. I know people, as soon as they walk up to me, I'm itching to say goodbye. And I don't mean au revoir, I mean adiós. But the truth is, when people are friends, they never really say goodbye. They stay in each other's minds, and every time they think about 'em, they're together again. I used to think that every good memory knocked a hair out of your head. So when you see an old bald guy, you know he's had a pretty good life. I guess the main point I'm trying to make here is, the pattern of life is such that nothing lasts forever. You're not supposed to get pregnant when you're seventy-two...uh, nobody over forty should ever take their shirt off. So as we go through life, it's important that we move from one phase to the next. And we have to say goodbye to the one so that we can say hello to the next. You know, if I say any more, I'll probably burst into that song from Titanic. Anyway, let's just leave it that it's been a great ride, and every time we hear the sweet sound of a strip being torn off a roll of duct tape... [does so] ...we'll think of each other. Might even smile. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [cuts the line on the fishing fly he has been tying, stands up, walks offstage]

(reading a letter) "Dear experts --" la la la -- "I find that everything on television is a load of crap. I prefer to use the term 'a load of bad stuff'. Do you think that everything on television is a load of bad stuff?"

Red

Well, yeah. Yeah, it's all crap, as far as I'm concerned.

Harold

Except for this show.

Red

Well, yeah, if you insist.

Yeah, I agree. It's all crap. And it could have been so good too, that's what bothers me. It almost makes me sorry I invented it!

Red

Invented what, Hap... crap?

No... television!

Red

I could be a great astronomer, Harold!

Harold

(to audience) He's always been good at staring off into space, so...

Red

I either have a plan, or I'm an idiot.

Harold

That's good. 'Cause usually you have a plan and you're an idiot.

Red

Isn't this great? We've got no overhead!

Harold

You've got no inhead!

Red

What word comes to mind when you think of bone china or crystal?

Oops!