The Office (US) · Season 3
I don't have a lot of contact with the Scranton branch, but before I left I took a box of Dwight's stationary. So from time to time, I send Dwight faxes... from himself... from the future.
[reading fax] "Dwight, at 8:00 AM today someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions to follow. Cordially, future Dwight." [seeing Stanley with coffee] NOOOOOOO! [knocks coffee out of Stanley's hand] You'll thank me later.
I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch.
I don't understand.
The board voted last night to close your branch.
On whom's authority?
The board's.
I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter... that makes stairs.
Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.
Andy Bernard, Regional Director in charge of Sales.
So you'll be reporting to me then.
On the contrary.
My title has "manager" in it.
And I'm a director. Which on a film set is the highest title there is. Do you know anything about film?
I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them.
Jim! Oh my God, I have so much to tell you. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a baby, and they named it Suri! And Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie also had a baby, and they named it Shiloh! And both babies are amaziiiing!
Wow, so, uh, what's new with you?
[blank stare] I just told you.
I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office. And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German, or some kind of halfsy. I do not like criminals.
I'm Prison Mike! You know why they call me Prison Mike?!
Do you really expect us to believe that you're another person?
Do you really not expect me to throw you up against that wall, biatch?!
Where did you learn all of this?
Internet.
So, not prison.
And prison. Fifty-fifty... both. Look, prison stinks is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home and recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and be with your friends, having fun in the office.
What did you do, Prison Mike?
I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the President's son. And held him for ransom.
That is quite the rapsheet, Prison Mike.
And I never got caught neither!
Well, you are in prison. But mmhmm.
[bringing in a dead goose] I accidentally ran over it. It's a Christmas miracle!
C'mon, Dwight, we talked about this: no dead animals in the office.
I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is cancelled.
You can't cancel a holiday.
Keep it up, Stanley, and you'll lose New Year's.
What's that mean?
Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.
I miss the days when there was only one party I didn't want to go to.
Bros before hoes. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then suddenly...she's not yo' ho no mo'.
Why do I feel like crap?
You just had a rebound.
A rebound?
Yeah. Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but when it's over... you're left thinking about the girl you really like-- the one that broke your heart.
[seeing a picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica] Oh my God, is that Jan?
No... that's a German woman named... Urkel... grue.
Jan? You complete me.
...Oh god.
The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible."
Yep, it's English. It's impossible.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Office (US) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
