Toby: This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case, when it inevitably goes to trial.

Toby: You know it's not just pregnant women who don't get their due. You know who's gorgeous? Helen Mirren.

Ryan: Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing.
Toby: You know what would be the hottest thing ever? It's a pregnant Helen Mirren.


[After meeting Angela's boyfriend Robert]
Oscar: Robert seems great. He's very handsome, firm handshake, he's gay, good sense of humor.

[Dwight and company are descending into the warehouse for a "men's day"]
Dwight: Remember on Lost when they met "the Others"?

[In reference to Michael's plan to invite the boy scout troop that the proceeds will be donated to]
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's, uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol. And it's in our dangerous warehouse. And it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering, you know. Is that...is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate...so much...about the things that you choose to be.

[Isabel watches Dwight play Whack-a-Mole]
Isabel: You are amazing at this. How did you get so good?
Dwight: Whacking moles.

[Jim and Michael are driving a concussed Dwight to the hospital in Meredith's van. Dwight is opening a bottle of whisky]
Michael: Dwight, what're you doing
Dwight: I found it under the seat.
Jim: Oh my God! Dwight! Put it down!
Dwight: I'm thirsty. [Jim sprays him] No!
Jim: Give the bottle to Michael.
Dwight: No. I'm thirsty.
Michael: Give the bottle to me, Dwight. [To Jim] Just keep your eyes on the road. Give me the bottle or you're fired.
Dwight: You can't fire me! I don't work in this van!
Michael: Give it to me, Dwight! [tries to grab it]
Dwight: No. [takes a sip] Mmm... [babbles insanely]

[Michael and Dwight discuss Holly, Toby's replacement]
Dwight: So what do we know about her?
Michael: Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So strike one, I hate her already.
Dwight: I hate her, too.
Michael: Why do you hate her?
Dwight: Because she... stinks. With her... ways. And her... head.
Michael: You know Dwight, sometimes... I dunno, I think you say things just to agree with me.
Dwight: Would that be such a bad thing?
Michael: Yeah, it would! Just have a thought! Have an original thought! Although I will agree that her head is weird.

[Michael bumps into David Brent coming out of an elevator]
David: Oh, sorry, mate.
Michael: [in a poor British accent] "Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me, mate."
David: [laughing] What are you doing?
Michael: English.
David: You're picking on the wrong person, I can tell you that much.
Michael: No, no, I'm not picking on you at all! You're English, correct?
David: Yeah, big time, yeah. Who are you?
Michael: I'm working on an English character. It's called Reginald Pooftah.
David: Oh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?
[they shake hands]
Michael: Michael Scott.
David: Oh, righty-o. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. Not politically correct, but he's called Ho Lee [bleep]. That's what it sounds like.
Michael: I do Ping!
David: "Herro! Herro!"
Michael: "Herro, I'm Ping!"
David: You can't do that these days.
Michael: No, no, no, and people don't understand that it has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.
David: No, no, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said! Hahahahaha!!!
[Michael hugs David]
Michael: That's good! A pleasure to meet you!
David: Where are you working?
Michael: Dunder Mifflin.
David: Any jobs going?
Michael: No, not right now.
David: Just let me know.
Michael: Alright. See you around.
David: OK, man.
Michael: Bye-bye. [David walks off] What a nice guy.

[The entire office staff sings a surprise song to Michael to the tune of "Seasons of Love" from Rent]
Andy: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.
All: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.
Pam: In costumes!
Jim: And impressions!
Toby: In meetings.
Erin and Kelly: And cups of coffee.
Kevin: For birthdays!
Stanley: More meetings and...
Women: ...E-mail forwards you made us read.
All: Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!
Meredith: You hit me with your car!
Ryan: You helped me get off drugs!
Creed: I watch you when you sleep.
Oscar: I forgive you for kissing me!
All: Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call.
Erin and Kelly: Call, text or e-mail, or call.
Deangelo: [falsetto] Measure your life in love!
All: Remember to call, remember to call. Remember to call.