The Office (US) quotes

David

Oh, sorry, mate.

Michael

[in a poor British accent] "Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me, mate."

David

[laughing] What are you doing?

Michael

English.

David

You're picking on the wrong person, I can tell you that much.

Michael

No, no, I'm not picking on you at all! You're English, correct?

David

Yeah, big time, yeah. Who are you?

Michael

I'm working on an English character. It's called Reginald Pooftah.

David

Oh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?

Michael

Michael Scott.

David

Oh, righty-o. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. Not politically correct, but he's called Ho Lee [bleep]. That's what it sounds like.

Michael

I do Ping!

David

"Herro! Herro!"

Michael

"Herro, I'm Ping!"

David

You can't do that these days.

Michael

No, no, no, and people don't understand that it has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.

David

No, no, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said! Hahahahaha!!!

Michael

That's good! A pleasure to meet you!

David

Where are you working?

Michael

Dunder Mifflin.

David

Any jobs going?

Michael

No, not right now.

David

Just let me know.

Michael

Alright. See you around.

David

OK, man.

Michael

Bye-bye. [David walks off] What a nice guy.

Creed

Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Why are you here?

Andy

I'm really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last—

Kelly

But perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again, off-again girlfriend.

Andy

What are you…

Kelly

Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch.

Erin

Holly is ruining Michael's life. He thinks she is so special and she's so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7 and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40. It's nuts.

Dwight

You drive. I got a car full of fox meat.

Michael

Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet, and the office is like the dragon that kept them apart.

Erin

So tell me about your new girlfriend.

Andy

She's neat. I met her at Darryl's cousin's party. We were the only two white people there.

Erin

Aw, cute.

Michael

[as Michael Scarn] It's going to take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back and balls to kill Michael Scarn!

Jim

[as Goldenface] Oh, someone's coming alright. The only man who would care: Michael Scarn. See, I'm gonna lure him here, then I kill everybody, then I'm gonna dig up Scarn's dead wife and I'm gonna hump her real good.

Jim

I did not love the dialogue. Or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless.

Michael

I am a huge Woody Allen fan, although I've only seen Antz. But I'll tell you something. What I respect most about that man is that when was going through that stuff from the press that said Antz was basically a rip-off of Bug's Life, he stood true to his films, or at least the one I saw, which again is Antz. The thing is, I thought Bug's Life was better. Much better than Antz. Point is, don't listen to your critics. Listen to your fans.

Kevin

I have very little patience for stupidity.

Jim

Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy 101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets. We give him a number to call for the tickets and it's his own number.

Dwight

Who is Justice Beaver?

Jim

...He's a crime fighting beaver.

Pam

[seeing Michael pouring gasoline all over the parking lot] Michael! Michael!

Michael

Hi.

Pam

Hi. I was just coming out to see what you were doing and to maybe stop you.

Michael

Oh, you know what, you have a siphon? I think I'm gonna run out of gas.

Pam

Why do you need more gas?

Michael

Well, I'm writing a message.

Pam

Is it a good message or a bad message?

Michael

I'm asking Holly a question in fire.

Pam

Are you proposing?!

Michael

Maybe.

Pam

Wow.

Michael

Hey, you know what? I've got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?

Pam

Yeah. Yeah, no problem. [grabs the lighter and runs away]

Michael

Pam.

Pam

Yep?

Michael

Could you light this please?

Pam

Michael, you've had two ideas today. And one of them was great. And the other one was terrible.

Michael

I am not in the mood for riddles, Pam.

Pam

This is terrible.

Michael

[imitating Yoda] Holly Flax, marrying me will you be?

Holly

[also imitating] Your wife becoming be will I.

Michael

So, guys, guys, guys, guys, we're moving to Colorado.

Kevin

All of us?

Michael

Yep.

Jim

Wait, what?

Michael

Holly has to go back to Colorado. I'm going with her. I'm leaving.

Dwight

I traded a thumb tack for Meredith's junk, for Kelly's crap, for Phyllis's garbage, for Oscar's trash, for Stanley's crap, for Ryan's junk, for Creed's garbage, for a very cute squid that Erin happened to have.

Dwight

I started with a thumb tack and traded my way to a telescope. But in a way the most valuable thing here wasn't the telescope at all. No. It was this packet of beans. So I traded telescope or it, and I can just go buy another telescope.