When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, you don't blame the child; he didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, "Drive, kid; I trust you."
S5 E25Broke
I have no shortage of company names.
Michael...
That's one of them.
S5 E26Casual Friday
So hey, I wanna set you up with my daughter.
Oh, I'm engaged to Pam.
I thought you were gay.
Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
I don't know.
When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. [pause] Urine. It was urine.
Well, I was in the seminary for a year and dropped out because I wanted to have sex with this girl Cathy. Followed her back to Scranton. Took the first job I could find in HR. Later she divorced me. So, no I wouldn't say I have a passion for HR.
S5 E27Cafe Disco
So this morning, we are having breakfast together...and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, "You know what I wanna do today? I wanna marry you."
I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I knew he meant it.
This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. They were wrong. He came in ninth in the Apple Creek Derby. And his jerky came in third the following year. A majestic beast. So fast...so tender.
S5 E28Company Picnic
I lied to Kevin. Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I'm gonna tell her. [quickly looks at crinkled note and looks back up] Number one: "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." The...and the reason is...because, in terms of the soup we like to eat. That doesn't make any sense. [checks note again] We're soulmates! Holly and I are soulmates.
I didn't find the perfect moment because I think today is about just having today. And I think we're one of those couples who'll have a long story when people ask how we found each other. I will see her every now and then, and maybe one year she'll be with somebody and the next year I'll be with somebody and it's gonna take a long time... And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush.
S6 E1Gossip
This is "parkour", the internet sensation of 2004. It was in one of the Bond films. It's pretty impressive. The point is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing parkour as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.
This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before actually. Just a weird coincidence. A little too weird. Almost makes you wonder if it's not a coincidence at all! Whoa! Which it is, of course. But it makes you wonder.
How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?
Michael, we only told our parents last week.
Did you pee on a stick?
I did. It was inconclusive.
You should've told me.
You're right. We should have realized that you are an equal part in this.
If I can't scuba, then what's this all been about? What am I working toward?
S6 E2The Meeting
I'm going in for a procedure today.
Is everything ok?
Yeah. It's routine. I'm just a little bit scared.
I'm sure everything will be fine. What's the procedure if you don't mind my asking?
It is a colonoscopy.
Ok.
In your experience, what should I be expecting, in terms of sensation. Or, emotions. [pause] Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shandri. My main concern is should I have a safe word?
Yeah. [leaves]
A cheese platter?
Oui, oui, monsieur. From the Wisconsin region: a nice, firm cheddar. Also from the great state of Wisconsin, an aged parmesan. Here you will find here a cheddar-style spread, which has reacted nicely with the air to form a light rind, which I believe you will find both challenging and delicious. At that point, I would recommend you take a quick trip south of the border to the great state of Illinois where you will find this fine blue cheese dressing. If I may be so bold, it's a lot of fun to let the Goldfish take a little swim in the blue cheese. Bon appétit.
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