The Office (US) quotes

Michael

[about Holly] She has a boyfriend.

Pam

I'm so sorry, Michael.

Michael

How could she do this to me, Pam?

Pam

She's not doing it to hurt you.

Michael

I can't do the presentation, I can't-... just... oh... thinking about seeing him... and... thinking about... him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her, it just- oh, God!

Pam

Listen, when Jim was dating Karen, I didn't want to come to work. It was awful. I hated it. I wanted to quit, but...

Michael

I know, just... uh, please, I'm going through something, okay?

Pam

You know, when Holly gets back, everyone will tell her what a great job you did. And then she'll realize what she's missing.

Michael

And then she'll move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die.

Pam

Yeah, maybe.

Pam

They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. [pauses] Vending machine...

Michael

It's not a big deal really. I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.

Kelly

Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale.

Meredith

She could be your soul mate.

Dwight

Oh, not likely. 3 billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.

Dwight

Knock, knock.

Michael

Who's there?

Dwight

The KGB.

Michael

The KGB who? [Dwight slaps Michael]

Dwight

VE VILL ASK ZE QVESTIONS!

Jim

Ding dong.

Michael

Who's there?

Jim

The KGB.

Michael

...Dwight, get the door.

Dwight

I'm not answering the door.

Michael

Answer the door.

Dwight

I'm not answering it.

Jim

Ding dong.

Dwight

No way, its the KGB.

Jim

Ding dong, ding dong.

Dwight

I'm not gonna answer it.

Jim

[slaps Dwight] Ze KGB vill vait for no vone!!

Dwight

...It's true.

Kevin

Lynn, I'm just going to say to you everything that I'm thinking.

Okay.

Kevin

I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.

Okay.

Kevin

Nice. [looks down] Boobs.

Michael

This little hellraiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. Right over there [points to Andy] in the orange.

Andy

Hey-oh!

No, it is not.

Michael

No, it is not.

Okay, so we're on the same page, great.

Michael

Okay, so we're on the same page, great.

Okay, Michael.

Michael

Okay, Michael.

No, seriously.

Michael

No, seriously.

How old are you?

Michael

How old are you?

Pam

I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do. The more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.

Toby

Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know it's not great, but it's something to watch. And then when it's over, you're like, how much time is left on this flight? You know, now what?

Michael

Stanley!

Stanley

Can't you see I'm urinating?

Michael

Listen, listen, Stanley. You don't need to answer me now.

Stanley

No.

Michael

Just...I want you to think about it. I am starting my own company...

Stanley

No.

Michael

You're not letting me finish and you just lost out on a million dollars.

Stanley

No I didn't.

Jim

Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically...I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that.

[to Ryan] Get back to work, shoe bitch!

Dwight

Listen, when I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed and, I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis. Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?

Michael

Maybe the Michael Scott Paper Company was a huge mistake. I should leave. I should go and start my own paper company. That'll show 'em.

Andy

I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things.

Dwight

You think this is some kind of game? No. This is a war. I will not stop, I will not rest. You have no idea what kind of enemy you've created. You have unleashed the wolf!

Michael

Be that as it may, I have your meatball parm sandwich here, and I am going to eat it.

Dwight

And I knew that you would do that. Their meatball parm is their worst sandwich!

Michael

[tasting the sandwich] Ah, bastard!