Vince Noir quotes from The Mighty Boosh

Howard

[Singing] ...where are you now Tommy.

Vince

He's dead.

Howard

He's not dead.

Vince

He is dead, he fell in the ocelot pit everyone knows that.

Howard

They never found his body?

Vince

They never found his body? They munched him down like an old Twix.

Vince

Hey Naboo. How are you? I can't believe Bainbridge is selling the zoo.

Naboo

He's a ballbag.

Vince

What you gonna do, you'll probably be alright won't you, you're a shaman, it's pretty specialist job.

Naboo

I might transform myself into a mighty hawk.

Vince

Into what?

Naboo

[Whispers] Mighty hawk.

Vince

WOW

Naboo

Either that or I'll work in Dixon's, I haven't decided.

Vince

Do you remember when that llama got out? He went awol, he went crazy. Started HOOFIN' the public. Do you remember? Oh he was out there HOOFIN' doctors HOOFIN' Vicars, he got in the gift shop, put a false moustache on, a little girl came in and went "can I have a pencil top" HOOOOF! Haha, hoofed her out the shop. No one could get near that llama, but you Howard. You got off with it...

Howard

...Yeah, it's one of the few ways to calm a llama down.

[Has a brown layer of skin around his head making him look like a conker]

Vince

I bet you have...

Hmm?...

Howard

So, er... just wanna say that erm it's great to have you on the show, great to be working with you. I'm really really looking forward to working with you and just working and being with you and things.

Thanks, well I'll go and get warmed up.

Howard

Alright, O.K

Vince

Why don't you go and put your head in some vinegar...?

Vince

This is the best job in the zoo: Millet distribution.

Howard

Something wrong with you, you know that don't you?

Vince

What do you mean?

Howard

Well you're always happy aren't you, everything's fun for you. Huh? You see a peanut? The day's of to a good start. You witness some soil? It's a jamboree for Vince Noir. I need something more

Vince

I think it's this poncho, I mean it's impossible to be unhappy in a poncho. I'm gonna get a sombrero as well. Image that: A poncho-sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.

Vince

I write novels. They're Charlie books.

Howard

They're Charlie books?

Vince

Yeah.

Howard

What, that pink shape that you draw?

Vince

Yeah. Charlie. Charlie is genius, right, he's made of a million pieces of old bubblegum. Imagine that. In the summer of 1976 on his way home from an Alice Cooper concert, Charlie started to melt onto the pavement. It was too hot in L.A, and he melted like a pink bitch. Luckily though, there was Eric Phillips, a local crocodile who dabbled in black magic. He took pity on Charlie and scraped him off the floor with a pair of fish slicers. He poured him into an antique soup ladle and boarded his magic carpet. Destination: Alaska. Eric Phillips decided to refreeze Charlie. but in his cold blooded, reptilian haste, he refroze him into the shape of a hoover. Charlie wasn't phased though, he just zoomed about the place sucking up Inuits. The Inuits didn't mind, they loved it in Charlie's pink, tight, warm belly pouch and they refused to come out. Charlie said "I'm cool with that" and set fire to a posh hammer to make it official. The downside was that the Inuits suffocated immediately; it was air tight in there. Charlie panicked and fired the tiny Inuit bullets into Eric's crocodile peepers. The green shape, was frozen. After a quick drink, Charlie stole Eric Phillips' magic carpet and left for Seattle. Charlie was racked with guilt, he'd just killed fifty Inuits, no one needs that. He decided to spend the rest of his life putting small hairstyles onto boots, monkey nuts, yrumpets and spanners.

Howard

That's not a novel, that's the scribblings of a retard.

Vince

They are novels, they're novelettes.

Howard

It's in crayon, you berk.

Vince

So what? I'm new school.

Howard

New school? I'm talking about books that are gonna get published.

Vince

Mine are published, I publish them myself.

Howard

You photocopy them and you leave them lying around supermarkets, inside Weetabix boxes. That's not published, is it?

Vince

[Impersonating the wind] It was pretty good though wasn't it? Sounded exactly like the wind.

Howard

Yeah, and it was blowing a gale through my mind.

Vince

I can do other elements.

Howard

Can you really? Can you do fog...?

Vince

Howard?..Howard?...Howard?...Howard?..Howard?..Howard..Howard..Howard..Howard...Howard?..Howard. Howard.

Howard

This better be good.

Vince

You know the black bits in bananas, are they tarantula's eggs?

Howard

...Please don't speak to me ever again in your life.

Vince

What's your novel about?

Howard

It's about a genius who can't get anything done because of a monkey that keeps annoying him.

Vince

You've made a classic error.

Howard

Have I?

Vince

What you've done is you've focused in on the wrong character, yeah? Now, the monkey, I'm loving him, but the other guy, I'm getting nothing off him. He sounds like a dick.

Vince Noir

Sorry about earlier. I behaved like a tit. I was having problems coping with the stardom.

Howard Moon

Stardom? You've only been in the band since 10:30 this morning.

Vince Noir

Yeah, but you know: the lifestyle, the drugs...

Howard Moon

The drugs?

Vince Noir

Yeah, well, you know, the coffees. I've had three lattes, and an Americano. I'm blazin'!

Howard Moon

Ladies...

Vince Noir

Howard!

Howard Moon

Hi.

No way... not the simpleton!

Vince Noir

He's a musical genius!

Well, he better be. He looks like a paedophile.

Vince

Where could she be? How do we find an old lady?

Howard

An old Comanche Indian saying; "The best place to hide a leaf is in the forest."

Vince

You think she's in the forest?

Vince

Howard? Do you think it's going to be all right?

Howard

No. We're going to die in the most horrific way known to man.

Vince

We had some good times though, didn't we?

Howard

Yeah... Remember the time we had that soup?

Vince

[Laughs] That was brilliant.

Soup, soup, a tasty soup, soup, a spicy carrot and coriander.

Vince

Chili chowder!

Crouton, crouton, crunchy friends in a liquid broth. I am gazpacho, oh, I am a summer soup, oh! Miso, miso! Fighting in the dojo, miso, miso! Oriental prince in the land of soup!

Vince

Ah, classic times.

Howard

Crazy days.

Howard

Okay, we've got to pool our resources. Tweezers, matches, twine, geological hammer. What have you got?

Vince

Kings of Leon CD.

Howard

Great. Well, that's useless, isn't it?

Vince

It's not useless, it's a blinding album. Better than their first one, and they came up with it really quickly.

Howard

Thanks, NME. It's useless to us on a desert island though, isn't it?

Vince

Well, it does double up as a mirror. [stares at his reflection in the CD]

Howard

I've actually written a short piece whilst on the island called "Isolation." Perhaps I could play it now?

Vince

Maybe later, eh?.

Howard

Yeah, maybe later.

Vince

Maybe not at all.

Howard

... Yeah, maybe later.

Howard

What are you angry about?

Vince

Government.

Howard

Government? Ooohh.

Vince

And climate change.

Howard

Climate change?

Vince

It's getting hot, Howard. Haven't you noticed?

Howard

Why do you care about that? Because it makes your hair a little more difficult to straighten?

Vince

That, and it's a bit clammy.