Teresa Lisbon quotes from The Mentalist

I'm giving you all formal notice. Any further infractions will result in immediate suspension.

Lisbon

Sir, you might as well suspend me now because there will be further infractions.

I gave this unit a direct written order and they have flagrantly disobeyed that order. Did they do that with your knowledge?

Lisbon

I ordered them to do it. I told them you countermanded your earlier order. They had no knowledge whatsoever that they were doing anything irregular.

Nice try, Mother Teresa. But they already gave themselves up.

Rigsby

We never said a word-

Lisbon

Minelli wants me to keep a watch on you.

Jane

What are you going to do?

Lisbon

I'm not going to follow you around. Let's compromise. When you get into trouble, call me first so I can try and minimize the damage.

Jane

The law's the law. My desire for revenge doesn't outweigh the rules. I have to accept that.

I'm glad you understand.

Jane

Thanks for your time.

He's lying through his teeth, isn't he?

Lisbon

Yes.

Jane

They should wait 10 minutes, then go in.

Lisbon

Why wait?

Jane

Let the plot develop, let the fruit ripen, let the yeast rise, etcetera.

Cho

Look, a goat. Goats are signs of Satan.

Lisbon

So petting zoos are, like, gateways to hell?

Cho

Pretty much.

Lisbon

[talking about Harry] What was his previous employment?

Jane

He was a musician. Jazz guitarist.

Yes. How did you know that?

Jane

I looked at his fingers. Guitarist fingers. Jazz with a flamenco edge, judging by the ridge on his thumb.

[about Jane] Who is this guy?

Lisbon

He's a pain in the ass, but he's making sense.

Lisbon

Where's everyone?

Grace

Weird. They all called in to sign out. Jane wasn't feeling well, Rigsby's got a hot date, and Cho got Kings tickets.

Lisbon

Son of a...

Grace

What?

Lisbon

Jane doesn't get sick, Rigsby's not on a date because he's in love with you, and the Kings aren't playing tonight.

Grace

You know about that?

Lisbon

Yeah, they're on an East Coast road trip. They're playing the Knicks tomorrow night.

Grace

No, I mean about Rigsby. How do you know about that?

Lisbon

Everybody knows about that. The attorney general knows that.

Lisbon

Just follow procedure. Have fun!

Jane

Where is the fun in that?

Lisbon

What's your normal procedure?

After lovemaking? Depends on the type of woman.

Lisbon

So you've got it down to a science?

I'm good at what I do.

Lisbon

Okay, Mr. Fricke, and what is it that you do?

I'm a pickup artist. A woman whisperer, if you will.

Lisbon

A pickup artist? That's your profession?

You sound like my mom. Um, it's more of a total lifestyle kind of thing, you know. I practice my art, of course. That's my passion. But I teach and I blog, also. Conduct seminars, workshops, that sort of thing.

Jane

What?

Lisbon

You know damn well what. You assaulted a man.

Jane

I just tweaked him on the nose.

Lisbon

Technically, that's assault.

Jane

Technically, he's an ass. He deserved it.

Grace

What was she thinking? She was so beautiful and he's so creepy.

Rigsby

Yeah, Dr. Rubenstein was hot, too. How does he do it?

Jane

All you need is a basic understanding of the evolutionary psychology of women. Rigorously and fearlessly applied. You get to know what buttons to press.

Lisbon

Like we're toasters?

Grace

Like men don't have buttons, too?

Jane

Men are like toasters. Women...little more like accordions.

Grace

I say we bring him in anyway for creepiness.

Lisbon

Which should be a criminal offense but it isn't.

Lisbon

Do you keep a list of your pick-ups?

Yeah, of course. I have it here. Names, numbers and a one to 10 grading system.

Lisbon

Nice. Something to show your grandkids.