Patrick Jane quotes from The Mentalist

Lisbon

So what did you do? Honestly.

Jane

He had a gun.

Lisbon

No. I mean how did you raise the bail money.

Jane

Oh. That. Murder for hire. Killed a snitch. Stabbed him in the kidneys.

Lisbon

You did not.

Jane

I did not. I won it at a card game, but I had you for a moment.

Lisbon

I have a bad feeling about this.

Jane

Well you've been shot. You're bound to have a gloomy outlook. Ignore your feelings.

Lisbon

So, what now?

Jane

Now? Well, tea would hit the spot.

Lisbon

No. I mean what now. What you've done, what you've set out to do. You got your vengeance. Do you feel different? Feel better?

Jane

No. I feel guilty.

Lisbon

Guilty? Why?

Jane

For deceiving the jury. I mean, I had no choice. Going to prison for murder would have been a victory for Red John.

Lisbon

What do you mean? Red John's dead.

Jane

Timothy Carter's dead. He was an evil man, but he wasn't Red John. Red John is still alive. Watch the road.

Lisbon

Listen, we've got a serious problem.

Jane

Yeah, I was really looking forward to a muffin.

Lisbon

My God. Why are you doing this? You were okay. All you had to do was keep your heads down.

Van Pelt

We want to work for you.

Lisbon

Let me talk to Jane alone. [Van Pelt, Cho and Rigsby leave] I could kill you with my bare hands.

Jane

Well, it's not the first time. Come on. You don't have a choice. You do nothing they get fired. You work with me they keep their jobs. You might even get yours back.

Lisbon

Fine, but it's just you and me. They don't do anything else. What's the plan?

Jane

The plan is: we catch the killer. It's kind of obvious.

Lisbon

How'd you do it? Get Bertram to come around?

Jane

Oh it wasn't so hard. A rational discussion between two reasonable men.

Lisbon

[smiles knowingly] Rational discussion. I bet.

Jane

Mhmm. But, by all means, go ahead.

Lisbon

Excuse me?

Jane

Say it. I won't get embarrassed.

Lisbon

Say what? Oh! You mean say thank you?

Jane

Oh! You're welcome. Was it so hard?

Lisbon

The thing is, not dealing with you every day has been very restful for me. My back pain is gone. I sleep really well. I'm not so sure I'm grateful to be back.

Jane

You're a terrible liar. Good, honest people are always bad liars.

Lisbon

Which makes you what?

Lisbon

Cheer up.

Jane

Oh, I'm cheery.

Lisbon

You heard her. You gave her hope.

Jane

I didn't give her hope. I sold her hope.

Lisbon

I think hope is worth it at any price.

Jane

Are you running for office now?

Lisbon

Okay, you know what? You're a wicked charlatan and you're going to hell then.

Jane

That's more like it. I'll save you a seat by the fire.

Lisbon

Oh, I'm not going to hell.

Jane

You're not?

Lisbon

Nope.

Jane

You've made other arrangements, huh?

Lisbon

Mm-hmm.

You know that psychopathy test I gave Tibbs? I figured out why it didn't work. See, it's a rating scale based on observation, so the more time you spend with the subject the more accurately you can then observe their behavioral traits, and guess what I've been doing?

Jane

[smiles] Oh, you haven't.

Glibness and superficial charm. Check.

Jane

You flatter me.

Grandiose sense of self worth. You betcha. Cunning and manipulative. Poor behavior controls. Failure to accept responsibility for actions. So I cross-referenced all of my observations with your history as a thief and conartist and, uh, congratulations, Jane. According to the score you are a clinical psychopath.

Jane

Wow. Well, that certainly explains a lot.

Now I know what I'm dealing with, so I'll adjust accordingly.

Jane

[smiles] As you should.

Lisbon

Everything all right?

Jane

Yeah. I like our new boss. I think we'll work very well together. Would you like some tea?

Lisbon

I'm tired. I'm going to go home.

Jane

I made a pot.

Lisbon

All right. I'll take one to go.

Jane

I heard you got your man.

Lisbon

As did you. Nice work.

Jane

Do you think I'm an anti-social personality?

Lisbon

Yeah, sure. Who isn't?

Jane

Beautiful, isn't it?

Lisbon

For a crime scene, yeah.

Congratulations, by the way.

Jane

Thank you. For what?

You killed Red John.

Jane

Oh, that. Yes.

What was that like?

Jane

Not as satisfying as you might think.

Jane

Disappointing, Lisbon. I thought you might push back a little. The guy called me a circus act.

Lisbon

Hey, the man is grieving. You push back.

Jane

Okay, I will.

Lisbon

[stops him by placing her hand on his chest] Don't you dare.

Jane

You said that I could.

Lisbon

I take it back.

Lisbon

Hey.

Jane

All good?

Lisbon

Yeah. Doc seemed like a changed man.

Jane

He's had a perspective few of us ever get. It's energizing, I'd expect.

Lisbon

Would you want that? To hear what people say about you when you're dead?

Jane

When I am dead they can burn me in effigy or build a statue or forget about me completely. I couldn't care less.

Lisbon

You don't mean that. Everybody wants to be remembered.

Jane

Childish vanity.

Lisbon

I want to be remembered.

Jane

And you shall be; fondly, but you won't care about it because when you're dead you're dead, and until then, [a waiter sets down a hot fudge sundae between them] there's ice cream.

Lisbon

So good.

The truth hurts, I know. It's biologically based actually. Our brains process sound faster than they do light, but light moves faster than sound. So the brain is constantly shifting reality so the world syncs up.

What does that have to do with anything?

Patrick Jane

This. Only when someone is standing 30 yards away do we see and hear the world exactly as it is. That's when your brain, sound and light are all in perfect harmony.

So?

Patrick Jane

The rest of the time we are living in a world of lies. Lies are what make the world make sense. Ergo, the truth hurts.

Lisbon

Jane? How are you feeling?

Jane

Excellent, I think.

Lisbon

It's good to see you breathing.

Jane

It's good to see you period.

Lisbon

We are doing everything we can to find your attacker. You didn't happen to see a face, did you?

Jane

No... Not that I can remember.

Lisbon

What's the last thing you do remember?

Jane

[He makes her come closer.]Are we sleeping together?

Lisbon

Excuse me?! [backs off quickly.]

Jane

Well, you're a cop, that's obvious. But you're not judging me like a suspect, and I can't see any other reason for a police officer to come to my bed side [laughs], unless we're sleeping together.

Lisbon

You don't ... know who I am.

Jane

Please don't take it personnaly, I'm sure you're quite memorable. I just... I've been through a lot, apparently.

Lisbon

No. We are not sleeping together.

Jane

We're working toward it, right? So I haven't missed anything. [She looks lost.] So, what's your name?

Lisbon

[smiles] Are you putting me on?

Jane

I wish I was.

Lisbon

I'm Teresa Lisbon, I'm with the CBI. I'm a homicide detective. You're my consultant.

Jane

I catch bad guys, well that sounds like fun! I always wanted to put my psychic gifts against criminals.

Lisbon

You're not... a psychic.