Now, normally, our omniscient system perfectly analyzes each person's profile, and then matches him or her with another person. But in your case, the system matched you with two other people. It's a rare occurrence, like a double rainbow, or someone on the Internet saying, "You know what? You've convinced me I was wrong."
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
The point is, we're all good people, right? We all did the right thing whenever we could. And that's why it's so nice to be here among you, in this massive house that I want. I want this house. Give it. No, I'm just kidding. But really, give me the house.
Eleanor's not drinking? She brought a flask in the car during her driver's test! Okay, we need to keep things moving here. I'm about to make her talk for an hour. She'll definitely end up insulting somebody.
CChris
You said that if Eleanor tries to confess that she doesn't belong here, find a reason to avoid her, like saying, "I'm going to the gym," so that's what I've been saying.
That was a suggestion of the type of thing you could say! How many times have you specifically told her you were going to the gym?
CChris
Five. No, nine.
You dimwit!
CChris
Hey, man! I was perfectly happy in my old job in the twisting department. People came in, and I twist them until they snapped in half, and I move on to the next one. But this job is weird! It's all talk, no twisting. So if you don't like the way I do it, get somebody else. I'm going to the gym!
Can I go to your house?
I don't have a house, Jason. I live in a boundless void.
Can I go there?
No. It's a boundless void.
It's just that I'm not used to dressing like a plumberess. Is that what you call a female plumber or is a toilet sweep or, or clog wench? In any case, that's how I'm dressed.
TTomás
My darling, you are in the Good Place. Relax. Feel the breeze on your feet. That's why crocs have holes in them!
I made a complete fool of myself tonight. I interrupted your big speech, badly stained my cargo pants, which, I have to admit, are quite comfortable. Oh, God, what's happened to me? I'm praising off-the-rack separates!
This is the wise monk who gave me the magic amulet. I gotta figure out what it means. Could be the key to this entire mystery.
Luang, perfect. Why don't you take Jianyu back to your yurt, right away?
Homey, no! I'm not spending another second with this loser. You said he was gonna be my best friend, but he is not. My best friend from Jacksonville was named Pillboi, and he was dope! We would talk together, get high together, throw old batteries at drones together. But this guy can't hold a camel to Pillboi.
Okay, I no longer think he's a wise monk, and I'm pretty sure this is just a piece of garbage.
They're gonna hang my picture in the Bad Place Hall of Fame right next to the guy who invented bees with teeth.
Hey, what if I, an already amazing person who definitely belongs here, wanted to learn even more about how to be a good person? Is one of these nerds, like, a teacher or a life coach or an Instagram fitness model or something?
Eleanor, I'd like you to meet Chidi Anagonye. Chidi, this is Eleanor.
Janet tells me you were a professor of some kind.
Yes, I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy focusing on deontology.
Hang on one second, Cheebee. [To Janet] This guy's too big of a nerd. Who else you got?
I'm too young to die and too old to eat off the kids' menu. What a stupid age I am.
I'd never survive down there! They should take Eleanor! She's a pear shape! She'd fit right in!
Oh, excuse me! You WISH you could have a bite of this pear!
[on Day 55 of another reboot, during an argument…]
Yo YO! Homies! Check in. 'Cuz there's something messed up about this place. We keep fighting each other. None of the TVs get the NFL RedZone channel. My soul mate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is. I know this sounds crazy, but…I think we're in the Bad Place?
[horrified] Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts. Ow.
As my mom always used to say, if a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack, there's always something you can gnaw through.
Your mom always said that?
Vicky, let's look at the big picture here. Now, if you all can just stick with my plan and we pull it off, we'll be heroes. You could write your own ticket. You might even land the Jared from Subway account.
I think this is pointless. We're trapped in a warped version of Nietzsche's eternal recurrence.
Oh, cool, more philosophy. That'll help us.
Well, don't you see the problem? We are experiencing karma, but we can't learn from our mistakes, because our memories keep getting erased. It's an epistemological nightmare.
Ugh, even your nightmares are boring.
You, you are so mean, Eleanor. You're just like those childhood bullies who said I would never get tenure.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Good Place pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.