The Good Place · Season 1
There have been 25 generations of Janet. Each new update of Janet gains more wisdom and social abilities. Fun fact: the first Janet had a click wheel.
So it's like aging for a human? You're growing up?
That's how I like to think of it, Chidi. I can't eat, so every time there's a new version of Janet, I like to take a piece of birthday cake and smash it around where my mouth is.
Look, Janet has learned and grown. She's essentially living a life. We can't kill her.
Not with that attitude, we can't! Listen, man, I'm dead, you're dead, we all died, and now we're killing her. Pay it forward.
Uh, no, that's not what that means at all.
Chidi, I can see that you're worried, and I just want to assure you, I am not human, and I cannot feel pain.
Ah, thank you. That helps.
However, I should warn you... I am programmed with a fail-safe measure. As you approach the kill switch, I will begin to beg for my life. It's just there in case of an accidental shut down, but it will seem very real.
Cool. So who's doing this, me or you?
I think I have to. Um, being a bystander seems worse, somehow. Okay, here we go.
[Chidi walks towards the kill switch]
[begging] Chidi, no, no, no! Chidi, please! Please, please, please don't hurt me. I don't want to die! Please, please...
Ah!
[Chidi jumps back]
Again, I am not human. I can't die. I am simply an anthropomorphized vessel of knowledge built to make your life easier.
Your pleading seems so real.
Oh, yes, it is a very effective fail-safe.
Oh, wow. Look, it's Weekend at Bernie's, 'cause you're a dead guy in sunglasses. We have fun, don't we, Chidi?
I've never been more stressed out in my entire life.
Well, Janet's been murdered. That's a nice capper to this wonderful day. I don't really know what happens now because Janet has never been murdered before... only today, here on my watch, while I was distracted with a party that Tahani was throwing for me, which I didn't want.
Michael, you mustn't blame yourself.
I'm not. I'm blaming you.
Janet, would you please recite the English alphabet?
A-B... Janet.
She knows her A-B-Janets.
She literally knew everything in the universe, and now she's a baby.
You know, I haven't been this upset since my good friend Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend, Kanye, who was defending my best friend, Beyoncé.
Michael, good news. I was able to obtain Eleanor Shellstrop's file.
Is it actually a cactus?
I don't understand.
I want to see the file for Eleanor Shellstrop. Is that what you have, or do you have a cactus?
I have the file.
You're sure? You have the file and not a cactus?
That is correct. I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file. I do not have a cactus.
Excellent. Please, give me the file.
Here you go.
[Janet hands Michael a cactus]
Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?
And socks? Ew, who would do that?
People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point. And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.
Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong, so if Michael asks you if you killed Janet, you should say yes. On the other hand, snitches do get stitches.
That is true. I read that once on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep.
You just casually cited Immanuel Kant. I know we're in a miserable bind here, but this might be the proudest day of my life.
No offense, but that's a real bummer of a life.
You know, one of my shyest friends, I won't say his name to preserve his privacy, but he found my presence so comforting that he asked me to co-host his TV show Anderson Cooper 360.
You guys came to say goodbye because you're my friends.
Well, I suppose some part of me possibly has a sense of casual kinship with you, much as one might be fond of a street cat.
Don't worry, I got you. I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb and that you got a dope soul and hella ethics.
Oh, boy. No, don't say any of that. Michael has a lie detector in there. It's a glowing cube.
Like the AllSpark? From Transformers?
Sure, uh, just like the AllSpark from Transformers, and he'll know instantly if you're lying about anything so only smiles and nods, got it?
I'll tell you, but it doesn't make me look great, so don't judge me.
That's literally the purpose of this entire exercise.
I'm sorry I dragged you into this. And that I never did laundry. And that I waited until you were about to do yours then secretly tossed mine into the basket to trick you into doing it.
You didn't trick me. I repeatedly asked you to stop.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Good Place pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
