Yeah, I know, you want to do that thing where we're arguing and fighting, but then suddenly it's like, "Whoa, this is hot," and we start making out. Dream on! Or, whatever, fine, let's just do it.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
It's not just that helping me is a full-time job that you feel you have to do. The real problem is, that the more you help me, the greater the chance is that I can stay here, and me staying here means you'll never get a real soul mate. I'm basically a Utilitarian nightmare.
Quick summary of contractualism. Uh, imagine a group of reasonable people are coming up with the rules for a new society.
Like if your Uber driver talks to you, the ride should be free?
Sure, but anyone can veto any rule that they think is unfair. So if you said, "We should be able to break our promises without any repercussions," someone would veto that rule.
Well, my first rule would be that no one can veto my rules.
Well, that's called tyranny. And it's generally frowned upon.
So to prepare to meet all of you, I studied the human concept of friends. I even watched all ten seasons of the show Friends. Boy, those friends really were "friends," weren't they? Although - and I realize this is the kind of observation that would only occur to the mind of an eternal being. How did they afford that apartment? A waitress and a chef with those Manhattan real estate prices.
Yeah, we were all confused about that too.
Jianyu, my love. How are you?
[reading Magic 8-Ball] I am decidedly so.
That's very profound.
You can't make small talk with her for one day without being caught?
No, I can't, and she freaks me out. She's so pretty, like Nala from The Lion King. And she talks so smart, like, um... Nala from The Lion King.
And do you like France as much as I do?
Well, they enslaved my country for 300 years. So no. But they have great museums.
I give up. I can't help the people I promised that I would help. I feel like Friends in season eight, out of ideas and forcing Joey and Rachel together, even though it made no sense.
Well, Michael did bring me here, which was the mistake that led to all the other problems. So, in that sense, he is the real problem. Ha! How do you like them ethics? I just ethics'd you in the face, Chidi!
By the way, uh, what's your favorite color for the tablecloths?
Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes. It's called "pleurigloss."
Could you describe it?
It's the color of... When a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time.
Hmm. How about blue?
For a being like me, retirement is not something fun.
What is "retirement" for you exactly?
Well, I wasn't gonna share this so as not to upset you, but it's, a... an extreme form of punishment. We call it "The Eternal Shriek." My soul will be disintegrated, and each molecule will be placed on the surface of a different burning sun. And then my... my essence will be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle and poured over hot diamonds.
Oh, but the diamonds sound lovely.
They're not. And then what's left of my body will be endlessly beaten with a titanium rod, like a...
Like a piñata.
Yes, except you have the string around my waist, but instead it will definitely be around my genitals.
Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?
I'm sorry I was so grumpy. It's just I'm sad that I have to leave before doing all the human things that I wanted to do. I wanted to get my hair wet. You know? I wanted to pull a hamstring. To learn the difference between "toward" and "towards." I wanted to do that thing where you walk down the hallway, and someone else is walking the other way, and then you both lean to one side and then the other, and then you both chuckle over your shared foible. I wanted to get a rewards card, any rewards card. I wanted to talk briefly to someone and then say, "Take it sleazy."
Any moment now, Michael is going to get on that train, and we will never see him again, just like Professor Lindeman after I asked him to reread my 3,600-page manuscript. He said he was going out for cigarettes, but then he just left his tenured position at the Sorbonne.
You cannot kill Janet. Killing is one of the most famous moral no-nos.
Janet is a nonhuman object who was sent here to help us, and the way she can help us is if we kill her. We're doing one small murder-y thing for a bigger, better reason. The ends justify the means.
Do you know who said that?
Was it someone nice and great, like Oprah?
It was Machiavelli. A very non-Oprah-like figure.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Good Place pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.