This is the 3:18 to the Bad Place, making thousands of stops for literally no reason. Now, you'll notice it's very hot in here, and it will get one degree hotter every time you think about how hot it is. Oops. You just thought about it.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Want some pizza? Bad Place crew delivered a hundred of these to my office. All Hawaiian, the worst pizza.
One final note: the dining car is at the very back of the train. It serves only room-temperature Manhattan clam chowder, and also, it's closed.
E"Real" Eleanor
Well, I was living in what I assume is Eleanor's worst nightmare. Every day was basically one endless baby shower for a woman I didn't know, but also somehow I had to organize it. And if I didn't remember everyone's name, I got a very strong electric shock.
Yep that was my pitch.
Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song is like 40 minutes long. It's like, we get it. You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John.
Famously a piano player.
TTroy
Oh, huh, gimme some jalapeño poppers.
Sure, quick question: what is a "jalapeño"? Also: what is a "poppers"? Also: what is "jalapeño poppers"?
People keep asking me questions that I don't know the answers to.
That was my whole life on Earth. You know, it doesn't matter if you know things. All that matters is what's in your heart.
Thanks, Jianyu. I mean, it does matter if I know things, because I'm an informational delivery system, and I don't have a heart, but thanks. Jianyu, I know usually you ask me questions, but can I ask you a question? What are jalapeño poppers?
Oh, I know this one! Okay, they're deep fried jalapeños filled with cheese. Hm. One time, at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Jacksonville, but the nice one, not the one above the gas station, I ate 50 of them in two minutes. Everyone at the hospital was so impressed.
You know, maybe I'm not as great as Real Eleanor, but I'm better than I used to be. I'm medium-good. Why haven't you forkers invented a medium place?
Look, I know you've been trying to become a "better person," I mean, you didn't want to get caught. I get it. But I read your file. You don't belong here. I mean, she spent her weekends breaking up dog fighting rings. You once saw a meter maid writing you a ticket, and you barked like a dog till she ran away. I mean, honestly, you'll be happier in the Bad Place. I mean, don't get me wrong, you'll be miserable. We will torture you, but you'll also be happier because you won't have to keep trying to fit in somewhere you just don't belong.
I'm going to tell you the same thing that I told Mark Zuckerberg right before he ousted Eduardo Saverin. You are smart, you are capable, and the time has come to hit "unfriend." I also told Mark to lose the "the". Just "Facebook." That was me.
Oh, yeah, we're not negotiating. See, Fake Eleanor and I, we bro-ed down pretty hard last night. We hooked up.
No, we didn't!
Yeah, but who are they gonna believe... me or a woman?
Look, if you don't come with us, we're gonna have to turn this matter over to Shawn.
Oh, oh, no, um, Shawn, really?
What uh, who's Shawn?
He's the wise, eternal Judge who sits on high, has the final say on all disputes between our two realms.
And his name is... "Shawn"?
You can summon every evil creature you have, every weapon in your arsenal, every four-headed flying bear - [to Eleanor] they have them down there - but we are not giving up. I believe that Eleanor belongs in the Good Place. If I'm wrong, you can take her to the Bad Place and punish her all you want, just really go to town on her.
Gah, gah, gah, easy, buddy, easy.
Number five is number one. Number seven is number two. Number three and number four are tied for number three.
What are you talking about?
I'm ranking my favorite Fast and the Furious movies. You said you wanted to know who I am, and this is the best way to get to know me.
And is, uh, that a family member?
I wish. That's Ariana Grande, the sexiest woman alive.
You wish that you were related to a woman you want to have sex with. You know what? It'd be one thing if you just weren't a Buddhist monk, but you're barely even a regular, functioning person.
Listen, I don't need the Chidi who once had a panic attack during Rock-Paper-Scissors because there were, and I quote, "just too many variables." I need the Chidi who stormed in here and told me to stop Eleanor's train without thinking of consequences.
Oh, boy, now I'm nervous about that decision.
Retroactively? I mean, how do you even...?
I don't know.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Good Place pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.