And by the way, everyone here thinks I'm Taiwanese. I'm Filipino. That's racist. Heaven is so racist.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Pretty unique decorating style you have here, Jianyu. It's like, "12-year-old boy" meets "13-year-old boy."
Don't mind me. I'm just dropping off my afternoon gloves, and picking up my early evening gloves.
I knew tonight was going to be perfect, but now it's going to be even perfect-er. Obviously, it's impossible for something to be more perfect than perfect.
Well, it isn't, actually. Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. That's how you got Beyoncé.
I came up with hundreds of plans in my life, and only one of them got me killed.
I didn't get into heaven to go to school.
You didn't get into heaven at all, shirt-for-brains.
I read this entire David Hume book, and then I read it again because I didn't understand it the first time, and now I'm ready to go.
So, to sum up: Utilitarianism posits that the correct choice is the one that causes the most good or pleasure, and the least pain and suffering.
I like this one. It's simple. Ugh, screw all the other complicated theories, why didn't you start with this one?
Ah, but here's the problem. If all that matters is the sum total of "goodness," then you can justify any number of bad actions, like torturing one innocent person to save a hundred, or preemptive war...
Oh, dip, I get it. It's like, I knew this girl Sheila. She was a black market alligator dealer with a pierced jawbone.
Um, okay, what?
Sheila was gonna get married to my boy, Donkey Doug and make him move to Sarasota. It would've broken up my whole break dancing crew and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker. So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards in Sheila's garage and called the cops. I framed one innocent gator dealer to save a 60-person dance crew.
Shockingly, that is a relevant example of the Utilitarian dilemma. Well done.
I've been working on my Western Hemisphere brunch banter. Tell me what you think. That New Yorker article was crazy. You haven't seen Hamilton? Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?
Hi, there! We have a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis.
A Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis!?
Sorry, what is a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis?
It's nothing, it's a tiny little inconvenience. Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room where no one can see or hear us, even if I yell very loudly out of fear?
When I told a boyfriend something was "no big deal," it meant anything from "I just bought weed from your nephew," to "I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year, things got out of hand, and now I'm her bridesmaid."
I am in paradise! I should be doing paradise things, like rowing out on a lake with a good bottle of wine, reading French poetry.
That's your idea of paradise?
I would love to not watch TV, but you canceled school. [gasps] What have you done to me, you monster?
Look at all these dishes piling up. I used to just throw them in the sink and they'd be magically clean by morning.
I did that. I cleaned the dishes.
Oh... Then what's up with these bad boys?
You are unbelievable.
I'm sure you all know my sister, Kamilah. [cheers] Yes. Kamilah. Kamilah, of course, is the youngest person ever to graduate from Oxford University, she's a world-class painter, social activist, iconoclast, Olympic gold medalist for archery, a BAFTA Award-winner for her documentary on her Grammy Award-winning album, and the person voted "Most Likely to be Banksy." So without further ado, take it away from me! Sorry, I mean take it away, Kamilah.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Good Place pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.