I just absorbed the entirety of your existences, and I just wanna say you guys are so cute. And the thing is, you didn't file any paperwork, and you have no advocate, and the rules say I gotta [blows raspberry] Send you back.
Your honor, please hear our case. You frankly wouldn't believe what we've been through just to be here today.
I mean, I would, because I just learned everything about you, but keep talking. I am, like, obsessed with your accent.
We have made so much progress and all we ask is an audience with you to prove it. Is that not your very purpose to weigh in on matters such as ours? To paraphrase a song written by my godfather: Hey, judge. Don't make it bad. Take a sad group and make us better.
You know, I had a friend that said whenever she was doing something bad, she'd hear this this little voice in her head, distant little voice, saying, "Oh, come on now. You know this is wrong." And then when she started doing good things, that voice went away. It was a relief.
Your friend sounds like she's one pick short of a pickle party.
She's a little rough around the edges, but she was also a really good person, when she tried. See, I think that little voice was her conscience, trying to guide her in the right direction.
I gotta go home. What do I owe ya?
The real question, Eleanor…is what do we owe to each other?
What? Did I sell you a drink? - Am I a bartender?
Drinks are on me. Good luck.
[Michael has just shown on a board how the timeline in the Afterlife looks like the name "Jeremy Bearimy" in English Cursive. Chidi approaches the board.]
Okay, but, um...what the hell is this? The dot...over the i? The HELL is THAT?
Okay, um...how do I explain this concisely? THIS....is Tuesdays. And also July.
And sometimes it's never.
That's true. Occasionally, that moment on the Bearimy Timeline is the time moment when nothing never occurs. So...you get it.
[Chidi has very clearly gone insane.]
...THIS BROKE ME. The, UHH...the dot...over the i. That broke me, I'm...I'm DONE.
You know what? I'm glad this whole thing happened because now, I can go back to living my life the way I used to: only caring about myself because being good is POINTLESS.
NO, no ah, please, Eleanor-
No. Thank you. I'm outie. See you in Hell.
[Eleanor makes to leave, but turns around with a gasp of realization.]
You what I just realized? I always say that whenever I leave a room. But now? It's accurate! I will LITERALLY... SEE ALL OF YOU IN HELL.
[Chidi, after his breakdown, is in his university classroom cooking a... very special style of chili.]
You put the Peeps in the chili pot and eat them both up! You put the Peeps in the chili pot and add the M&M's! You put the Peeps... in the chili pot, it makes it taste... bad...
[Chidi clears his throat.]
Imma eat all this chili. And/or... die trying. Anyone want any? I'm just gonna... put it right down here. C'mon! Dip your paws in my chili. Scoop your little mittens right in the stew.
MSMale Student
Professor? I can see that you're going through something. But exams are next week, so can you teach us anything?
All right... NERD. Y'wanna LEARN somethin', I'll TEACH ya somethin'! I'ma teach ya the meanin' of life! How d'ya like THEM apples?
[Chidi begins a moral ethics lesson more along the lines of his usual behavior.]
Now, over the last twenty five hundred years, Western philosophers have formed three main theories on how to live an ethical life. Now, first off... there's Virtue Ethics. Aristotle believed that there were certain virtues of mind and character like courage or generosity and you should try to develop yourself in accordance with those virtues.
[The scene fades to Tahani and Jason speaking to a representative of an opera house.]
The gift will be anonymous.
[Back to Chidi's classroom.]
Next, there's Consequentialism; the basis for judgement about whether something is right or wrong stems from the consequences of that action; how much utility or good did it accomplish versus how much pain or bad.
[The scene cuts to Tahani and Jason giving random passerbys in the streets large stacks of money. After this, cut back to Chidi's classroom.]
And finally, there's Deontology. The school of thought that there are strict rules and duties that EVERYONE must adhere to in a functioning society.
[As Chidi continues, the scene cuts to an earlier scene of Eleanor struggling with the idea of pocketing the cash of a wallet she found on the floor of a bar, ultimately making the effort to seek out and return the wallet to its rightful owner. After this, cut back to Chidi's classroom.]
Being ethical is simply identifying and obeying those duties and following those rules. But here's the thing, my little chili babies: all THREE of those theories are hot, stinky cat dookie. The TRUE meaning of life -- the ACTUAL ethical system that you should all follow -- is NIHILISM. The world... is EMPTY. There is NO POINT... to ANYTHING and you're JUST GONNA DIE. So DO WHATEVER! And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow candy chili in silence and YOU ALL... can jump. Up. Your own. BUTTS.
FSFemale Student
Is that gonna be on the test?
Yes. And no. And you all get A's. or F's. And there is no test. And you all failed it. And you all got A's. Who cares? Goodbye. GOODBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...
[Chidi's philosophy students disperse after he has alienated every single one of them, but as the students leave, Eleanor is revealed to have been in attendance.]
Cool lecture. And cooler shirt. Feelin' all right?
I feel fine! I DO have a stomachache. Why do I ALWAYS have a stomachache?
Well, you just ate fifty pounds of chili, bro. This one's on you. Look, I know the future seems bleak. But I have a plan. Come with me.
[Eleanor makes to leave. Chidi approaches his pot full of chili monstrosity.]
NAH-AH-AH. Leave that chili, weirdo.
