Chris Morris quotes from The Day Today

The headlines tonight: Fist-headed man destroys church. Car drives past window in town. And Leicester man wins right to eat sister. Now fact me 'til I fart!

Coming up: Clinton welcomed home after machine-gunning 400 buffalo.

And just time for a quick look at tomorrow's, er... The Independent: "Bank of England Recovers from Swollen Chairman Unusualness." The Telegraph go with "Simon Rattle Lost in Cress." The Daily Mail, pretty keen on "Lassoed Bat Wins Booker," they devote four pages to that. The Mirror rather upset: "Fleetwood Mac Buried in Dog Avalanche." And Today ride with "Old Woman Killed by Little Glass Planet" - that's a story there by Andrew Penman. Due to a printing error, tomorrow's Guardian is full of water.

The headlines tonight: Bottomley refreshed after three days on cross. Branson's clockwork dog crosses Atlantic floor. And sacked chimney-sweep pumps boss full of mayonnaise.

Welcome! On The Day Today tonight: David Owen emerges shattered from Oliver Reed...

I don't think I've ever seen anything quite such... so totally wanton and ghastly... mess, terrible...

And Portillo's wife defends crack habit.

It's cheap, very cheap.

Hello, you.

To get all the celebrities to contribute their jam has really been quite a... quite an operation.

How much of your time did you put into it?

Oh, I would say at least about six months.

Six months? To raise money for a jam festival? Isn't that rather stupid?

[taken aback] No, I don't think so. I mean, it's all in a good cause.

Good cause, yeah, but how much are you gonna raise?

Well, we hope to raise, um, at least £1500.

£1500?! That's a pathetic amount of money. You could raise more money by auctioning dogs!

Well, I don't think so. I-I-I think it's all in a good cause and very worthwhile...

You persuaded these celebrities to waste their time donating to it?

Yes!

Well, who?

Uh, er, Glenys Kinnock we've got, and Sebastian Coe...

I hate Sebastian Coe!

Well... I feel he's made a very worthwhile contribution!

What, to the paltry sum of £1500?

Yes!

Is that worth six months of your time?

Well, I think it is quite--

I don't think it is at all! I think the only reason you've done it is to make yourself look important! [Janet is appalled] How dare you come on this programme and say, "Hey look at me, I'm raising £1500 for the homeless"? You could raise more money by sitting outside a tube station with your hat on the ground, even if you were twice as ugly as you are, which is very ugly indeed!

Let's see if we can nail this down. In terms of this elastic band here... [twangs an elastic band] Would you like to see the law tightened up to this tightness, tightness number one... tightness number two... or tightness number three?

I think tightness number three.

Tightness number three, like this?

I think we've really got to hammer these guys.

So that tightness being... an average Post Office band, extended over about eight inches.

Yeah, I think so.

...and since we've recorded that report, everybody featured in it has lost their hair.

The Day Today: slamming the wasps from the pure apple of truth.

Well, here we are at the hanging. It's a very sombre atmosphere. The condemned man has just arrived with executioner Mr. Albert Marsh, who's highly respected...

[narrating] The evening begins with a chance to savour again Great Britain's last televised hanging.

...he's using a nylon-hemp mix rope tonight for the first time ever. That's what he wanted, that's what he's got. It's to guarantee extra strength.

Arright Madge, what can I do yer for?

[narrating] The '60s saw television breaking taboos again and again, with Frampton Row the first popular weekly serial to use swear words.

...I'm not made of money, 'specially not since Eddie Copsie and 'is bloomin' lids.

Oh, aye.

Go on, then, I'll 'ave the Express. [hands over money] There y'are, yer big hairy cock.

Ta.

Tarah, Stan. [walks off]

Tarah, yer shitter.

These days it's very fashionable among young people to do what I'm doing now. I'm being fellated by a young girl known as a groupie. It's an interesting feeling, and, er, certainly quite relaxing...

Well, it's half an hour later. My initial reaction was one of intense joy, but that's now been replaced by a vague feeling of inadequacy and gloom. It's not an experience that I can see catching on, but, er, neither is it one which I regret.

Time now for business with Collately Sisters.

Thanks, Chris.

[offscreen] Take her off the monitor. I don't want to see her face.

Here at home, from tomorrow the new Bank of England five pound note comes into circulation. The notes, which feature the head of Iggy Pop, can only be used once. [rests her head on the desk]

Thanks, Collately. Coming up: Bosnian old woman...

A week of foul-tempered debate in Europe ended this afternoon as finance ministers agreed new quota rates for trade with the United States. In Brussels is our economics correspondent, Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan. Peter, what is the new rate?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

It's 30 percent, Chris. Agreement was a long time coming, but in the end the decision was unanimous.

What was the Germans' reaction? Because they've been holding out for 40 percent, haven't they?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

That's right. When I spoke to finance minister Reinhardt earlier today, he said he didn't like the deal, but he had to go along with it.

Really? You spoke to him yourself, you managed to pin him down? He's a pretty tricky man, isn't he?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

That's right.

Where did you get hold of him?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

He was in the hotel.

And you conducted a conversation with him about the quota rates?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

That's right - he said he didn't like it, but he had to go along with it.

...What language did you conduct this conversation in, Peter?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

...German.

You spoke to him about the technicalities of the deal in German?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

Yes.

So what's the German for "30 percent"?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

...Trenter percenter.

Dreißig prozent?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

Yes.

And what about that quote you attributed to him, "I don't like it but I'll have to go along with it"?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

That's what he said.

How did he say it?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

"I don't like it, but I'll have to go along with it."

In German, how did he say it?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

Ich... nichten lichten...

Presumably you mean "Rufen Sie ein Taxi bitte sonst verpass' ich meinen Flug"?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

Yes!

No you don't, Peter, because that means "Get me a taxi, I'm late for my plane!" Now I'm going to ask you a question: did you speak to the German finance minister about the new deal this afternoon?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

[defeated] No.

And what was his reaction?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

I don't know.

Peter, thank you.

We're pushed for time, can you sum it up in a word?

No.

A sound?

Woouueerrrr.

Spartacus, thank you. Alan, Sport.

Alan Partridge

Thanks, Chris. Well, as I said, it really was--

Shut it, Alan - I want you to stop! All programmes have now been suspended on all channels to allow the broadcast of this film, held in reserve for times of crisis...

It's just been anno - yeah, thanks... it's just been announced there's to be an special inquiry into the Government's handling of the Frome shipping deal, which flew to pieces last month amid allegations of gross ministerial misconduct. Our economics correspondent Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan is with the Minister for Ships, Michael Crane. He's just prised him out of an emergency meeting.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

I'm with the Minister for Ships, Michael Crane MP...

[in voiceover drowning out Peter] That's right, Peter. Everything I've just said comes spewing straight back out of your stupid slab of a face...

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

...Mr. Crane, choppy waters for the Government?

Not at all, Peter. This procedure was entirely proper, and I think the inquiry will prove that the Government's handling of this matter was entirely proper.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

So the Government's ship back on course?

Absolutely.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

Back to you, Chris.

Peter, what the hell was that? This man's made a big-scale cock-up here, you let him get away with it! Now let me speak to him. Put your earpiece next to his head and stand still. Now, Minister, there's reason to believe that you lied to the House. How do you answer that?

Well, that is a very serious and unfounded allegation, and I will be making a statement to the House based on the preliminary inquiry next week.

A week is a long time in politics.

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

Rab Butler.

Shut up, Peter. Now, Minister, did you or did you not lie to the House?

I will be making a full statement to the House next week.

It's a simple question. Yes or no? Did you or did you not lie?

...I, erm...

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

As the Minister for Ships sprawls on the pin, it's back to you, Chris!

No it isn't, Peter! He's about to answer the question! He's about to admit to lying to the House! You've let him get away again! Where's he gone?!

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

Over there...

Well, get him back!

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

He's in a cab.

Peter, you've lost the NEWS! What are you going to say?

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

Sorry.

Look like you mean it! Look down at the ground and say sorry!

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

I'm sorry!

Peter, next time you cross the road, don't bother looking!

Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan

Sorry...

The Day Today: because fact into doubt won't go.

[motions for the camera to come forward] And we've just heard that areas in three of Britain's biggest cities are being evacuated due to suspect dogs.

Sinn Féin have so far denied they are backing the campaign. Earlier today I spoke to their deputy leader Rory O'Connor, who, under broadcasting restrictions, must inhale helium to subtract credibility from his statements.

So, what's your initial statement?

[inhales helium from a tank] These incidents are inevitable, given the position of the British Government.

You support this campaign, then?

The IRA have been forced into this position.

So you do support this campaign of violence.

[inhales helium] The IR... (inhales more helium) Sinn Féin is a legitimate political party.

Which supports terrorist action!

Your tone is antagonistic and you're making me very angry!

And since we conducted that interview, all sides in the conflict have had a meeting, and have sorted everything out.