Alan Partridge quotes from The Day Today

Alan Partridge

I don't know what this man is playing at! There's no way... surely the judges must come down like a ton of bricks on that. Carrying bikes on the top of a car is not a sportsmanlike way to run this race.

Alan Partridge

Thank goodness, actually, they're wearing gloves, because I've witnessed bare-knuckle boxing... in a barn in Somerset, about three years ago. And it was a sorry sight to see men goading them on in such a barbaric fashion. And I'm rather ashamed to say I was party to that goading. And, er, two men fighting as I saw in that barn that night, naked as the day they were born, and fighting the way God intended. Wrestling, at points, I don't know if you've seen Women in Love, that marvelous scene by the fire. It, er, kind of resembled that.

Alan Partridge

Two to look out for, number one there - "Zeinab Badawi's Twenty Hotels", and number three, "Two Headed Sex Beast".

Alan Partridge

Not sure what that is, hope it's, er... [chuckles] ...hope it's not a dead horse. They're not going to fit it in the back of a Volvo 340. [beat] Actually, I hope it isn't a dead horse... sorry.

Alan Partridge

TWWWAT! That was liquid football!

Alan Partridge

And... SHIT!! Did you see that? He must have a foot like a traction engine!

Alan Partridge

Eat my goal! The goalie has got football pie all over his shirt.

We're pushed for time, can you sum it up in a word?

No.

A sound?

Woouueerrrr.

Spartacus, thank you. Alan, Sport.

Alan Partridge

Thanks, Chris. Well, as I said, it really was--

Shut it, Alan - I want you to stop! All programmes have now been suspended on all channels to allow the broadcast of this film, held in reserve for times of crisis...

Alan Partridge

[in a locker room] The atmosphere here hangs heavy, like a big smell. The smell of men together. The smell of cats' musk. Bob Mariner! You missed the penalty, why?

Yeah, Alan, it was a bad one. It took the top of me boot, it was all over in an instant.

Alan Partridge

You looked really stupid.