A character in The Day Today
Chris Morris
The Day Today · 78 quotes
Most-quoted character in The Day Today: in 36 of its 78 quotes
Most scenes with: Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan (3), Collately Sisters (2)
The echo from the nuclear bomb which destroyed Hiroshima is set to devastate the city again. Half of the original blast has ricocheted off Jupiter, and will strike Japan in 2041. It's not yet known if the city will be evacuated. I'm Rosy May. Tread not on the forest leaves, for you tread on my face.
Today is the anniversary of 1944.
Still to come: Controversy over new Treasury appointment.
I'm sick to death of this, all I ever get, "Treasury, Treasury, Treasury"! It's all I ever hear! I'm sick of it! I've had enough! Just all of you [beep] off!
Back live now, progress on The Day Today smart bomb. Jonathan? [to offscreen] Get rid of Hurd! [Hurd's image is replaced with a POV of a cruise missile] Thanks.
Well, Chris, as you can see, there's the missile, cruising at around two thousand per second, trying to locate the target soldier it's aimed at...
[The TV image closes in on a screaming soldier]
There's the soldier. It goes in through the mouth. Down through the oesophagus, into the stomach, and there's the explosion.
Absolutely bang! That's The Day Today, bringing you another tear on the face of the World's mother! Alan, sport.
The American car company General Motors have today announced a cut in their workforce at their plant in Detroit. Our economics correspondent Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan is there at the moment. Peter, what's going on?
Chris, it's a mass redundancy measure. It's the biggest lay-off in American industrial history. Thirty-five thousand jobs in one fell swoop, gone!
Thirty-five thousand?
Peter, there's only twenty-five thousand people at the plant.
That's right, Chris, mass redundancy on an unprecedented scale!
Well, would you mind telling me how the plant can function on minus ten-thousand workers?
[grinning] I don't know, Chris, you tell me!
I'll tell you what, Peter, you mean thirty-five hundred workers have been sacked.
...No. Thirty-five thousand, it's all here. [checks notes]
Let me see what you've got down there.
It's thirty-five hundred, you're right. I've made a mistake.
Peter, I want to s- I want to see it. I don't want to hear anything more out of your mouth, I don't believe it. Now show me your notes.
Yes!
It's thirty-five hundred.
Show me, I don't believe what you're saying, I just want to see the numbers. Now hold them up! [he holds them up briefly] Hold them up and keep them up! [he does so] And rotate them a hundred and eighty degrees in my favour! [as he does] Do it... Peter, what's that? [taps the monitor]
I don't have the monitor, Chris. I can't see what you're doing.
You know what I'm talking about, it's just above your right eye. [Peter points at a doodle] Yes.
A cobweb.
And how's a cobweb going to dig you out of your numerical mess?
I don't know.
Peter, you're lying in a news grave. Do you know what's written on your headstone?
"News?"
Peter, thank you.
Gay Desk now with Colin Poppshed.
Thanks, Chris. Quick roundup of today's gayness, starting with the roads: The M70, the A3, the B664 and the A48(M), they are all gay as of midnight tonight. The gay elements are potassium, zinc, hydrogen, copper, and argon. A quick look at the world's walls: The Wailing Wall is gay, Hadrian's Wall is very gay, the Great Wall of China, that's not gay, and the Old London Wall has also stopped being gay. Gay cars next, they're the same as last night: all Volkswagens registered between 1982 and 1985, they stay gay for another fortnight. And finally, the gay seas are the Caspian and the Mediterranean... so, see you there. Chris?
Thanks, Colin. He's not gay, by the way. We wouldn't employ a homosexual.
[reading off a card] This... this is my complaint, right? TV is the most un-kinking, un-happening, un-sussed piece o' sheet in the hood right now.
Look at the lens, please.
Oh, sorry. You gotta get it. Totally dis-counture. More in the area. See, I'm talking more ragga, more boogle, more death mental...
Death metal.
...death metal and Belgian house. You hear me? Let's get TV banging, mud-far... mud-the-far-cuss.
And look at the camera again and nod your head as you say that.
Mud-the-far-cuss.
And say that last bit again once more into the camera.
Mud-the-far-cuss.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Day Today pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
