Chris Morris quotes from The Day Today

[about farmer Chester Johnson] What he didn't know was that he and Lindsey were about to make a flight neither of them would ever forget, even if their brains were erased with mind rubbers.

Just time to have a quick look at tomorrow's headlines. "Aristocrat's Dung Saves Village from Flood," that's in the Mail. Today: "Drowned Italian Wins Eurovision". The Express go with "Lord Mayor's Pirouette in Fire Chief Wife Decapitation," grisly but gripping. The Sun: "Robin Cock!" And the Daily Star: "'Feel My Nose and Put My Specs There,' Roars Drunken Major."

The headlines tonight: Portillo's teeth removed to boost Pound. Exploded cardinal preaches sermon from fish tank. And where now for man raised by puffins?

The American actor Marlon Brando has been sold today in an auction at Sotheby's. Brando, who starred in films like Apocalypse Now and Superman, was part of a sale of international works of art which attracted interest from all over the world. He was sold in the large wooden chair he has occupied for the last three years to the Vatican, at just under the expected price of two and a quarter million dollars. It's believed he will be installed in St Peter's later next month.

"Arafat Ablaze in Kerosene Oyster Hell," that's in the Telegraph.

The heads tonight: Teenage boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly. Heseltine fading fast. And headmaster suspended for using big faced child as satellite dish. This is the news!

Just time for a quick look at tomorrow's headlines. Today: "'You Could Blow Notes Across the Holes in His Head,' Says Sinatra Doc." The Herald Tribune go with "'Boiled Dog Could Do Maths,' Claims Experimenter". The European: "Elastic Song Strangles Hucknall". The Daily Telegraph and other broadsheets feature tabs here down the side for ease of turning the pages. And The Independent go with "'Portillo's Face Felt Like Guts,' Says Girl". That's it. Just to let you know, the police are still looking for the actor Burt Reynolds after he stole a dodgem and drove it out of a fairground in Islington. The fifty-nine-year-old American eluded capture after a low-speed car chase, and was last seen heading north on the M11 near Saffron Walden.

The headlines tonight: NATO annuled after delegate swallows treaty. "I'm so sorry," yells exploding cleaner. And bearded cleric in oily chin insertion. Those are the headlines... God, I wish they weren't.

Spiders will never speak, insists ambassador.

The only way police can neutralise bomb-dogs is to spray them with a resin coating which hardens instantly to contain any explosion. The inside of the bomb-dog is obviously destroyed, but the outside stays the same shape. However, if the underside is not covered, a highly directional blast launches the animal vertically to a height of over a thousand feet.

The Libyan leader Colonel Gadaffi has plunged southern Europe into crisis by kidnapping Crete and towing it to a secret location off the Libyan coast.

The headlines tonight: Euro MPs' new headsets play the sound of screaming women. Bryan Ferry bathmat poisonous say lab. And bouncing elephantiasis woman destroys central Portsmouth. Those are the headlines. Happy now?

As City markets crashed and flew off, the government tried to stabilise the economy with an emergency currency based on the Queen's eggs, several thousand of which were removed from her ovaries in 1953 and held in reserve.

It's been revealed that the junior treasury minister Michael Portillo carries a sawn-off shotgun to constituency meetings, corners children in parks and chews their cheeks, and has frequent sexual intercourse with stray animals, claiming, "As long as it's got a backbone, I'll do it." That story we reported last week, and have since discovered it to be untrue.

The Daily Mail: "Child Made of Paint Wins By-election".