(Singing) Jay, I'm glad that you're not gay. I may show you why someday. (Kisses Jay on the cheek)
(Smiling) Yay!
S2 E1Sherman, Woman and Child
Doris, I can’t lose this job. It’s all I know how to do.
Ah, come on. Everyone has hidden talents. Like me. I’m a whiz with smoke rings. Watch.
(Doris inhales from her cigarette and blows out a spiraling ring of smoke that transforms into a demonic-like shape)
SSmoke
(Diabolically) Doris … Tick Tock!
That was supposed to be a bunny.
(Introducing herself and her daughter to Jay) I'm Alice Tompkins and this is my daughter Penny.
You didn't like The Lion King! You're mean! (Punches Jay in the nose)
Penny!
It's all right. Rex Reed did the same thing.
I'm sorry. (Kisses him on the nose)
Aww. Rex did that too.
(Singing to the tune I’m A Little Teapot) I'm a happy critic, short and stout. I'll have a brisket.
(Also singing) Sorry, we're out.
(Jay sighs dissapointingly)
(On TV) Hey, kids! Let's welcome our special guest, Madonna! (Madonna appears on screen) Hey, Madonna!
MMadonna
Don’t (bleep) with me, hippo.
Hey, do you eat with that mouth?
MMadonna
Yeah, and I also (bleep) and (bleep) with it.
(Humphrey exclaims a nervous moan toward the camera)
CSChristian Slater
(In Jack Nicholson's voice) I want the truth!
JNJack Nicholson
You can't handle the truth!
CSChristian Slater
I can handle the truth!
JNJack Nicholson
The truth is you talk like me, you act like me. You don't have an original bone in your body.
CSChristian Slater
That's a freakin' lie!
JJudge
Could the stenographer read that last part back?
WDWilliam Devane
(Also in Nicholson's voice) What am I, a freakin' myna bird?
S2 E2Sherman of Arabia
I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!
NRNews reporter
Jay, we're live.
S2 E5From Chunk to Hunk
Hey Rush, race you to the lobby!
RLRush Limbaugh
I accept your challenge, you liberal cream puff! Mmmmmmmmm, liberal cream puff.
ZVZoltan Veramirovich
Ow! I made one-one in my tutu!
S2 E7Siskel & Ebert & Jay & Alice
(After being exposed by Gene Siskel) You win another round, Siskel, but we shall meet again!
S2 E8All The Duke's Men
Jay, sit on my lap. (Jay sits on her lap and her bones crunch.) Get off my lap!
But it's so comfortable!
S2 E9Dukerella
(Jay and Alice enter Duke's costume ball dressed as Homer and Marge Simpson)
Jay, where'd you park?
I left my car with the valet.
There's no valet!
D'OH!
Sorry pretty lady. Vlada's souffle hasn't risen in years.
So you see, looking back, I think the other kids always picked me last for sports because I was smarter than them, not because of my unpredictable bladder.
Now, I'm about to take off my shirt. A feeling of mild nausea is normal.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Critic pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.