[Theo is wearing an unplugged set of headphones to cover his pierced ear.]
Son?
Yeah, Dad?
There's no music coming through the headset. You still bopping to what's left of your brain?
S1 E14Independence Day
S1 E15Physician of the Year
Dad, Denise is hogging the bathroom!
Why don't you use the one downstairs?
The small one? That one's for guests.
Then pretend you don't live here.
Dad, Denise is hogging the bathroom!
Why don't you use the one downstairs?
The small one? That one's for guests.
Then pretend you don't live here.
S1 E16Jitterbug Break
Hey, if Dad lets you go, I'll give you five-hundred dollars.
You don't have five-hundred dollars!
Do I look worried?
Theo is babysitting?!
That's right.
But what if the house catches fire?
Then Theo will call the fire department!
Well what if burglars break in?
Then Theo will un-arm them!
Well what if they know karate?
Then Theo will die!
Hey, if Dad lets you go, I'll give you five-hundred dollars.
You don't have five-hundred dollars!
Do I look worried?
Theo is babysitting?!
That's right.
But what if the house catches fire?
Then Theo will call the fire department!
Well what if burglars break in?
Then Theo will un-arm them!
Well what if they know karate?
Then Theo will die!
S1 E17Theo and the Joint
Hi mom!
CClaire
Hi. Where are you going?
Down the street to play touch football.
CClaire
Theo, it's five degrees out there!
I got two pairs of socks on.
CClaire
Well you are putting on gloves and a hat.
Mom, this is freeze football. If you wear a lot of stuff, you're not a real man!
CClaire
Well how's a real man gonna feel when his mother shows up on the field carrying his gloves and a hat?
[Theo puts on the gloves and a hat; Cliff enters the front door]
Hey dad.
Hey, where you going?
Freeze football.
You can't play freeze football like that, you gotta take all that stuff off!
Hi mom!
CClaire
Hi. Where are you going?
Down the street to play touch football.
CClaire
Theo, it's five degrees out there!
I got two pairs of socks on.
CClaire
Well you are putting on gloves and a hat.
Mom, this is freeze football. If you wear a lot of stuff, you're not a real man!
CClaire
Well how's a real man gonna feel when his mother shows up on the field carrying his gloves and a hat?
[Theo puts on the gloves and a hat; Cliff enters the front door]
Hey dad.
Hey, where you going?
Freeze football.
You can't play freeze football like that, you gotta take all that stuff off!
S1 E18Vanessa's New Class
CClaire
Cliff that really was not necessary.
What?
CClaire
Cliff, these classes are competitive enough without us putting extra pressure on this girl.
There's nothing wrong with a little competition.
CClaire
Okay I just don't want Vanessa to get carried away like a certain person in this family...
You talking about me?
CClaire
Yes. Yes as a matter of fact I am. Now let's take the way you play Monopoly.
What does Monopoly got to do with science?
CClaire
I'm talking about the way you handle competition. You see, most human beings view Monopoly as a game. But you take it as a means to crush all those who dare challenge you! You are the worst! Someone gets a 'Go to Jail' card, you applaud.
That's right.
CClaire
Somebody lands on your property, you start making cash register sounds!
Cha-ching! Cha-ching! That's right!
CClaire
And then when you win, you pile all your money up on the floor and roll in it! You are the worst!
Yeah, now I know what you're talking about! This has nothing to do with science. You're still warm about the Monopoly game we played- [laughs] and- and I had Boardwalk, and you rolled the dice, and you landed on my Boardwalk! And I had about 5000 hotels, and 600 houses, and you only had $30! And I told you to pay up, and you said, 'But I'm your wife!' [Claire leaves the room] ...and you'd better pay!
CClaire
Cliff that really was not necessary.
What?
CClaire
Cliff, these classes are competitive enough without us putting extra pressure on this girl.
There's nothing wrong with a little competition.
CClaire
Okay I just don't want Vanessa to get carried away like a certain person in this family...
You talking about me?
CClaire
Yes. Yes as a matter of fact I am. Now let's take the way you play Monopoly.
What does Monopoly got to do with science?
CClaire
I'm talking about the way you handle competition. You see, most human beings view Monopoly as a game. But you take it as a means to crush all those who dare challenge you! You are the worst! Someone gets a 'Go to Jail' card, you applaud.
That's right.
CClaire
Somebody lands on your property, you start making cash register sounds!
Cha-ching! Cha-ching! That's right!
CClaire
And then when you win, you pile all your money up on the floor and roll in it! You are the worst!
Yeah, now I know what you're talking about! This has nothing to do with science. You're still warm about the Monopoly game we played- [laughs] and- and I had Boardwalk, and you rolled the dice, and you landed on my Boardwalk! And I had about 5000 hotels, and 600 houses, and you only had $30! And I told you to pay up, and you said, 'But I'm your wife!' [Claire leaves the room] ...and you'd better pay!
S1 E19Clair's Case
CClaire
[preparing for a court case] Now, Ms. Huxtable. Would you please tell the court exactly what Mr. Wilson said to you after he examined your engine for the first time?
You know, I have the perfect strategy, for this mechanic huddle. I think that we ought to just forget about the trial, and the three of us go over to his house and beat him up!
CClaire
[preparing for a court case] Now, Ms. Huxtable. Would you please tell the court exactly what Mr. Wilson said to you after he examined your engine for the first time?
You know, I have the perfect strategy, for this mechanic huddle. I think that we ought to just forget about the trial, and the three of us go over to his house and beat him up!
S1 E20Back to the Track, Jack
Dad can I talk to you for a minute?
Sure.
Privately? It's about boys.
Excuuuuuse me.
EErnie
How much did you weigh in college?
A hundred and sixty-five.
EErnie
And how much do you weigh now?
A hundred and sixty-five.
EErnie
With your clothes on!
206.
EErnie
Whoa!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Cosby Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.