The Cosby Show · Season 1
That's a wonderful thing you're doing for your wife!
Thank you.
How long you been married?
21 years.
How many kids?
Four at home and one in college.
Five children and 21 years. What are you celebrating?
Survival.
[Claire and Cliff have just gotten into bed, and the phone rings; Cliff answers]
Hello? ... This better be necessary. [hands the phone to Claire] It's for you.
Hello.
[on the other end] Good night mom! And don't bring home another baby!
Make sure she stays in the bed, give her lots of liquids, and aspirin every four hours.
I don't believe you! You're the only woman who went to law school and got a degree in medicine!
[yelling from upstairs] Daddy!! Did Mommy leave?
Yes. What do you want?
Mommy!
Make sure she stays in the bed, give her lots of liquids, and aspirin every four hours.
I don't believe you! You're the only woman who went to law school and got a degree in medicine!
[yelling from upstairs] Daddy!! Did Mommy leave?
Yes. What do you want?
Mommy!
[Cliff walks downstairs wearing a bunch of outrageous things he's gotten in the past for Father's Day]
Dad you look funny!
Well thank you!
You're welcome!
[Cliff is opening Rudy's gift to him]
Da-dadada-dan dan dan DAAA!
[Cliff opens the gift to reveal a tube of Tennis Balls]
Tennis balls!
I hope they're the right size.
I'm sure they're the right size! Let me see. [opens up the canister]
I looked in your closet, and there was only one left.
And you know what, they are the right size!
[Cliff walks downstairs wearing a bunch of outrageous things he's gotten in the past for Father's Day]
Dad you look funny!
Well thank you!
You're welcome!
[Cliff is opening Rudy's gift to him]
Da-dadada-dan dan dan DAAA!
[Cliff opens the gift to reveal a tube of Tennis Balls]
Tennis balls!
I hope they're the right size.
I'm sure they're the right size! Let me see. [opens up the canister]
I looked in your closet, and there was only one left.
And you know what, they are the right size!
Look my folks are not coming over to eat, they are coming over here to spoil the children.
Well what do you expect? They're grandparents.
Right, grandparents, all right. These are not the same people I grew up with, these are the biggest hypocrites you've ever seen.
...
Your mother's one of the sweetest people I've ever met.
I didn't say she wasn't sweet. But this woman comes over here to the house, kisses every child. 'Just come here and kiss your grandmother. Oh you're just the most beautiful children on the face of this earth!' But when I was her child, I'm telling you, this woman, all she ever wanted to do was take a stick and ask God to give her enough strength so she could knock us somewhere! And to this day, I still don't know where Kingdom-come is. And all she is, as far as I'm concerned, is an old person trying to get into Heaven now.
[revealing his earring to Cliff] It's an earring, dad. There's a hole in my ear, and Denise says it might be infected.
[Cliff comes over, to examine the ear, touches the ear, and Theo flinches]
Well, she's right. It is infected. Come on.
What are you gonna do to me?
I am going to fix your ear.
Then what?
You expecting some sort of punishment?
Shouldn't I?
Yeah.
Look my folks are not coming over to eat, they are coming over here to spoil the children.
Well what do you expect? They're grandparents.
Right, grandparents, all right. These are not the same people I grew up with, these are the biggest hypocrites you've ever seen.
...
Your mother's one of the sweetest people I've ever met.
I didn't say she wasn't sweet. But this woman comes over here to the house, kisses every child. 'Just come here and kiss your grandmother. Oh you're just the most beautiful children on the face of this earth!' But when I was her child, I'm telling you, this woman, all she ever wanted to do was take a stick and ask God to give her enough strength so she could knock us somewhere! And to this day, I still don't know where Kingdom-come is. And all she is, as far as I'm concerned, is an old person trying to get into Heaven now.
[revealing his earring to Cliff] It's an earring, dad. There's a hole in my ear, and Denise says it might be infected.
[Cliff comes over, to examine the ear, touches the ear, and Theo flinches]
Well, she's right. It is infected. Come on.
What are you gonna do to me?
I am going to fix your ear.
Then what?
You expecting some sort of punishment?
Shouldn't I?
Yeah.
Look, my folks are not coming over to eat, they are coming over here to spoil the children.
Well, what do you expect? They're grandparents.
Right, grandparents, all right. These are not the same people I grew up with, these are the biggest hypocrites you've ever seen. No, I am telling you right now, my father comes through that door, reaches into his pocket pulls out a handful of money. “Well let’s see if granddad has any money for these wonderful children.” This is the same man who when I was his child, I would ask him for 50 cents, the man would tell me his life story. This man would tell me how at age five, he woke up at 4 o’clock every morning, had no alarm clock, had no rooster, just the sense of responsibility. Snow was up to here. [mime saluting] Had no shoes but he walked through a blizzard. Backwards. And I talked to other people with fathers, and find out fathers are the lyingest people on the face of this earth. I have a friend who’s Puerto Rican. His father was brought up in San Juan, walked through the snow in San Juan. No, my father got a job milking 120 cows. The man he worked for had no bucket so he had to squirt the milk into his hand, walk eight miles, through the snow up to here [salute]. And I am telling you right now my mother is the same way.
Your mother's one of the sweetest people I've ever met.
I didn't say she wasn't sweet. But this woman comes over here to the house, kisses every child. 'Just come here and kiss your grandmother. Oh you're just the most beautiful children on the face of this earth!' But when I was her child, I'm telling you, this woman, all she ever wanted to do was take a stick and ask God to give her enough strength so she could knock us somewhere! And to this day, I still don't know where Kingdom-come is. And all she is, as far as I'm concerned, is an old person trying to get into Heaven now.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Cosby Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
