The Cosby Show · Season 5
I don't get it. If you weren't going back to school, why did you pack all your bags?
'Cause as soon as I tell Mom and Dad what I'm doing, Dad's going to throw me out of the house.
Good. That means I'll get my room back.
So will I.
You guys! I'm about to face a really difficult situation and all you can think about is yourselves?
Hey, who else are we supposed to think about?
Yeah! [they leave the room]
I've decided to discontinue my college education.
Come again, young lady?
I'm not going back to Hillman.
Wanna bet?
(to Clair) Can I go write a note and slip it under the door that says, "I told you so"?
No.
Well, how about if I hire an airplane to fly past the window with a big sign on the end that says "I told you so"?
No, eat your grapefruit.
I'll eat this grapefruit, and I'll take every one of these seeds and take them over to the bathroom door and spell out "I told you so."
Yes, I know Tina Turner. I knew Tina Turner when she was rollin' on the river!
Dad, you will do your impression of the funny pirate, won't you? Everybody loves it when you do the pirate!
Well, first of all, I am not a professional comedian.
(to Sondra) I'm not putting down your apartment. It's wonderful! It's got character, it's charming, But c'mon, you can't act like children for the rest of your lives. It's time for you to grow up.
Oh, who are you telling to grow up? You dropped out of school and then when Mom and Dad wanted you to go back, you wouldn't even listen to them.
Sondra, that is because in my case Mom and Dad didn't make any sense, okay? They know what they're talking about. Come on! You guys are having a baby! A little bambino, another life. Would you actually consider raising a kid in...this...place?!?
Look, Denise, as long as we love this child, it doesn't matter where we raise it.
Please, as soon as this kid can talk, it's gonna say, "Call me a taxi, I'm outta here!"
What did they say?
I had my ear right to the door and all I heard was "Denise," "Quitter" and "Dropout".
That's all you heard?
No, but then I heard Daddy say (deepens voice) "Rudy, get away from the door!"
That's it, I'm not going! The chance of a lifetime. It'll never happen to me again!
(Cliff and Clair come downstairs to the kitchen)
Hello! First of all, I want you to understand that I didn't appreciate you sending a spy. And on top of that you sent a lousy spy.
(Rudy scoffs)
How come you didn't let him have it?
Roy is a gentleman, Rudy and he was trying to protect my feelings.
Oh man, love's a joke!
No, it's not! Not if you have a guy like Roy. (goes upstairs excited) Yes!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
In two days, she'll be writing about dead crickets again.
Take this little boy here, (points at Kenny) he probably already has preconceived notions about sexual politics.
Kenny, you've been hearing us talk, what do you think?
I'd never let a woman type my papers. (Julia and Justine smile and nod) She should be home, cooking my supper.
I just don't know about this "Grandma" business. They should think of another name for us like "Second Mother" or "Mother Once Removed."
"Experienced Mother."
"Solid Gold Mother."
How about "Mother: The Sequel."
(about Denny ending up with Julia) Dad, he stabbed me in the back!
Looks to me like you handed him the knife!
[After Vanessa and her friends' dance routine]
I thought they were hot!
Maybe you should go up to your room and cool off!
Aw, man!!! [goes upstairs]
Mrs. Huxtable, is there something wrong?
I don't know who you think you are, but you are not the people who just came down here in my living room, half-dressed, flinging parts from one end to the other!
Are my eyes deceiving me? Aren't you all swollen in areas where you weren't swollen before?
Thank you. Because I definitely detect some growth! [approaches Vanessa and removes a large wad of tissues from top portion of her outfit]
Mom! That's part of our outfits!
The only part of your clothing that you will be allowed to stuff things into will be your pockets. Now you take this and go upstairs and put some clothes on! [To Kara and Janet] Now I'm not your mother, but I feel safe in saying I speak for them when I say go cover yourselves immediately!
Yes, Mrs. Huxtable. [The girls go upstairs]
[muttering] C'mon guys. You know I finally thought they were open enough to understand I'm not a child anymore.
[yells upstairs] And don't put those tissues back in the box!
Did you see Miss Kara with that bra on on top of the leotard? Tell me!
Did I see it? I...
We have made a mistake! We have planted roses, but we keep getting these weeds! Sondra's in the wilderness, Denise is in the jungle, and she's on the Locomotion! [yells upstairs] You better take that wall paint off your faces! Before the mothers come in here and see me. They'll be blaming me.
Yeah, now let's...
Running around here dressed in nothing! Jumping around like they just hopped off the hot seat! Suppose some fool comes along, sees that, takes them seriously, Vanessa could end up on a stage somewhere across the country in a smoke-filled cafe, singing and dancing, and gyrating like that. And I won't be around to take the tissues out then. I am not!
No, no. See...
What do they know? What do they know?! "Easy as doing your ABC's" [yells upstairs again] Miss 1400 on the SATs! I got your locomotion down here in the living room with a science book!
Right!
And take that makeup off!
That's right!
I can see it now! Sittin' in a Hollywood swimming pool with a remote phone in her hand calling me up [imitating a snobby girl] "Hi, Mom, Babe! Let's do lunch!" I will not have it! [storms into the kitchen]
[yells upstairs] And that goes for me, too!
[before an exercise class] Good afternoon, all you sagging hunks of flesh! I see you've been munching those bon-bons and eating that gourmet ice cream; it looks like some of you went back for seconds! I know what you were thinking..."I'll enjoy it now and pay later." Well, let me introduce myself. I'm later!
[to Emma] Now whatever the diet and whatever the exercise, you just bring it on because I am here to work! And I am going to be so good when I'm finished, I'm going to make my own video: The Clair Huxtable Workout. And I'm not going to give you a copy. You're going to have to buy your own!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Cosby Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
