The Cosby Show quotes

Cliff

So I know there's going to be a present for me, boy. So, what is it?

Theo

Come on, Dad, you know I can't tell you.

Cliff:

[chuckles] I know that. How old are you now?

Theo

14.

Cliff

14. Two years from now, you're going to want a car. I'm the only one who can buy it for you. So my boy, what's it gonna be?

Theo

Okay, Dad.

Cliff

Okay.

Theo

This year, everyone is pitching in to get you something you're really gonna love.

Cliff

Clair, Clair. Clair! [kisses Clair] Clair, Clair, it's the first day of school!

Clair

It's the first day of school?

Cliff

First day of school!

Clair

We get the house back?!

Cliff

We made it through the summer! And now all we have to do is get them out of the house, and if you and I are good about it, we can get them out in ten minutes!

Cliff

[to Theo] A vacation is something you get when you have a job and work. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you didn't work hard all summer. You were the hardest worker I ever saw, at begging, begging for money for pizza, begging to stay up later to chase little girls who didn't love you. And son, now, you get to rest. [Theo falls back on the bed] You get to go to school!

Cliff

Theo is that the shirt we bought?

Theo

Yeah.

Cliff

Well, when we bought it, didn't it have sleeves?

Theo

Yeah, they're upstairs.

Cliff

Well, didn't they feel like coming down this morning?

Clair

It's your turn to wake the children. I woke them on the last day of school.

Cliff

That is nothing. All you did was stand out in the hall and shouted "Last day of school!!" and the children next door were jumping out of windows!

Cliff

[Phone rings.] Oh, not another Vanessa caller. [answers] Vanessa's residence? No, she cannot come to the phone right now. Because it's now 10:01, and she cannot take any calls past 10:00. No I cannot take a message, I am her father. I'm a doctor, I graduated from medical school, alright? Thank you for calling, this is a live voice.

Cliff

Clair, Clair. Clair! [kisses Clair] Clair, Clair, it's the first day of school!

Clair

It's the first day of school?

Cliff

First day of school!

Clair

We get the house back?!

Cliff

We made it through the summer! And now all we have to do is get them out of the house, and if you and I are good about it, we can get them out in ten minutes!

Cliff

[to Theo] A vacation is something you get when you have a job and work. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you didn't work hard all summer. You were the hardest worker I ever saw, at begging, begging for money for pizza, begging to stay up later to chase little girls who didn't love you. And son, now, you get to rest. [Theo falls back on the bed] You get to go to school!

Cliff

Theo is that the shirt we bought?

Theo

Yeah.

Cliff

Well, when we bought it, didn't it have sleeves?

Theo

Yeah, they're upstairs.

Cliff

Well, didn't they feel like coming down this morning?

Clair

It's your turn to wake the children. I woke them on the last day of school.

Cliff

That is nothing. All you did was stand out in the hall and shouted "Last day of school!!" and the children next door were jumping out of windows!

Cliff

[Phone rings.] Oh, not another Vanessa caller. [answers] Vanessa's residence? No, she cannot come to the phone right now. Because it's now 10:01, and she cannot take any calls past 10:00. No I cannot take a message, I am her father. I'm a doctor, I graduated from medical school, alright? Thank you for calling, this is a live voice.

Clair

What is this?

Cliff

Dear. This is a stainless steel maintenance free appliance which provides nutritious drinks for just pennies a day.

Clair

And it's going to end up with the rest of the stainless steel self maintenance appliances in the appliance graveyard underneath the counter. [opens up the counter] Let's see. [pulls out a waffle-maker] The answer to Sunday breakfast?

Cliff

Yes I bought that.

Clair

"Waffles, Clair. I'm going to make waffles every Sunday morning!" Until you had to clean it! And this... [pulls out a special pan] "Crepes, Clair. Think of all the different kind of crepes we can make with this." Turned out to be none.

Theo

Yeah but mom, remember the sausage stuffer?

Didn't stuff a thing!

Clair

Appliances can be hard to resist sometimes. They're shiny, they make weird noises, they have those buttons that light up. That's why your father likes them!

Cliff

Is this the same juicer that I said, 'Mine, mine, mine'?

Rudy

Yes...are you mad?

Cliff

Yes, yes, yes.

Clair

What is this?

Cliff

Dear. This is a stainless steel maintenance free appliance which provides nutritious drinks for just pennies a day.

Clair

And it's going to end up with the rest of the stainless steel self maintenance appliances in the appliance graveyard underneath the counter. [opens up the counter] Let's see. [pulls out a waffle-maker] The answer to Sunday breakfast?

Cliff

Yes I bought that.

Clair

"Waffles, Clair. I'm going to make waffles every Sunday morning!" Until you had to clean it! And this... [pulls out a special pan] "Crepes, Clair. Think of all the different kind of crepes we can make with this." Turned out to be none.

Theo

Yeah but mom, remember the sausage stuffer?

Didn't stuff a thing!