Dad can I talk to you for a minute?
Sure.
Privately? It's about boys.
Excuuuuuse me.
S1 E20Back to the Track, Jack
EErnie
How much did you weigh in college?
A hundred and sixty-five.
EErnie
And how much do you weigh now?
A hundred and sixty-five.
EErnie
With your clothes on!
206.
EErnie
Whoa!
S1 E21The Younger Woman
CClaire
If I died, would you marry again?
We'll talk about it when it happens.
CClaire
We can't talk about it then!
Okay, no. The answer is no. I wouldn't.
CClaire
Under no circumstances, if I die, would you marry again. You would be single forever?
Yes.
CClaire
Would you date somebody?
No. I wouldn't.
CClaire
Okay, Cliff I'm dead. I'm gone.
And you're still in the bed with me?
Suppose I die, and your mother came home with a 19 year old boy...
Yeah?
Well what do you mean, 'yeah?' I mean, I'm dead, and you can't even mourn for a tenth of a second?
Dad, you're not dead, you're sitting right here. This is a hypothetical death.
Okay, it's a hypothetical death, but you didn't even take the time out for a hypothetical mourning! I mean it's almost as if you wished I was dead.
No, dad, I don't want you to die!
Are you sure?
Yes.
CClaire
Cliff, what's the point?
The point is I'm dead, and you all have me out on the sidewalk with the garbage.
CClaire
Cliff, you are a wonderful husband and a loving father, but darling, you do have a problem. You never get to the point.
I am trying to get to the point.
CClaire
All right, Cliff, go ahead. If you die...
Never mind.
CClaire
If I died, would you marry again?
We'll talk about it when it happens.
CClaire
We can't talk about it then!
Okay, no. The answer is no. I wouldn't.
CClaire
Under no circumstances, if I die, would you marry again. You would be single forever?
Yes.
CClaire
Would you date somebody?
No. I wouldn't.
CClaire
Okay, Cliff I'm dead. I'm gone.
And you're still in the bed with me?
Suppose I die, and your mother came home with a 19 year old boy...
Yeah?
Well what do you mean, 'yeah?' I mean, I'm dead, and you can't even mourn for a tenth of a second?
Dad, you're not dead, you're sitting right here. This is a hypothetical death.
Okay, it's a hypothetical death, but you didn't even take the time out for a hypothetical mourning! I mean it's almost as if you wished I was dead.
No, dad, I don't want you to die!
Are you sure?
Yes.
CClaire
Cliff, what's the point?
The point is I'm dead, and you all have me out on the sidewalk with the garbage.
CClaire
Cliff, you are a wonderful husband and a loving father, but darling, you do have a problem. You never get to the point.
I am trying to get to the point.
CClaire
All right, Cliff, go ahead. If you die...
Never mind.
S1 E22The Slumber Party
What's the matter?
I'm bored.
You're bored? Well that's funny because I've got $3 million of books up in your room.
Now, Rudy, what did your grandpa do to make you all quiet?
He said if you all sit down quietly and smile, you'll give us all a dollar by morning.
What's the matter?
I'm bored.
You're bored? Well that's funny because I've got $3 million of books up in your room.
Now, Rudy, what did your grandpa do to make you all quiet?
He said if you all sit down quietly and smile, you'll give us all a dollar by morning.
S1 E23Mr. Quiet
[entering a building] Hi, Chester. How's everything going?
CChester
You're late! You have a whole class back there yelling at me! Get here on time!
CClaire
[nicely] Hello, Chester.
CChester
[nicely] Well hello, Mrs. Huxtable!
Why are you being so nice to her? She's late too Chester.
CChester
Well she's late, but looks good. You're just late!
[entering a building] Hi, Chester. How's everything going?
CChester
You're late! You have a whole class back there yelling at me! Get here on time!
CClaire
[nicely] Hello, Chester.
CChester
[nicely] Well hello, Mrs. Huxtable!
Why are you being so nice to her? She's late too Chester.
CChester
Well she's late, but looks good. You're just late!
S1 E24Cliff's Birthday
The joy of a birthday, is finding out what the present is, before one gets it. And you know I always do.
CClaire
Not this year.
'Not this year.' You say that every year, and every year, I find out. So what do you want to do, you want to tell me what it is now sweetie? Or do you want me to start working on the children?
CClaire
You may work on whomever you please.
Really?
CClaire
But you're not going to find out anything.
Let the games begin.
So I know there's going to be a present for me, boy. So, what is it?
Come on, Dad, you know I can't tell you.
[chuckles] I know that. How old are you now?
14.
14. Two years from now, you're going to want a car. I'm the only one who can buy it for you. So my boy, what's it gonna be?
Okay, Dad.
Okay.
[a moment passes as the two look around to make sure no one is watching]
This year, everyone is pitching in to get you something you're really gonna love.
Cliff Well what is it?
[another moment passes as the two look around to make sure no one is watching]
Theo They won't tell me.
The joy of a birthday, is finding out what the present is, before one gets it. And you know I always do.
CClaire
Not this year.
'Not this year.' You say that every year, and every year, I find out. So what do you want to do, you want to tell me what it is now sweetie? Or do you want me to start working on the children?
CClaire
You may work on whomever you please.
Really?
CClaire
But you're not going to find out anything.
Let the games begin.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Cosby Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.