Theo Huxtable quotes from The Cosby Show

Vanessa

Shhh!

Theo

Don't tell me to shhh! I can talk when I wanna talk!

Theo

I don't get it. If you weren't going back to school, why did you pack all your bags?

Denise

'Cause as soon as I tell Mom and Dad what I'm doing, Dad's going to throw me out of the house.

Vanessa

Good. That means I'll get my room back.

Rudy

So will I.

Denise

You guys! I'm about to face a really difficult situation and all you can think about is yourselves?

Vanessa

Hey, who else are we supposed to think about?

Rudy

Yeah! [they leave the room]

Theo

(about Denny ending up with Julia) Dad, he stabbed me in the back!

Cliff

Looks to me like you handed him the knife!

The coffee table broke. It broke when I was dancing on it.

Theo

You were dancing on a coffee table?!

Don't worry. I'm not going to sue you.

(to Theo) Is our relationship in so much trouble that you have to go and practice with somebody else?

Theo

Justine, it's me, please don't hang up! (Justine hangs up on the phone and Theo gets upset)

Vanessa

(Slams the door and gets angry) UHH!!! Just kill him! Who does he think he is?!

Theo

Vanessa, would you please keep it down? I need some peace and quiet right now.

Vanessa

I will NOT keep it down! Do you have any idea what happened to me today? I stayed late at school because I had a science club meeting, so when I left I took a shortcut home. And right there on Flatbush Ave. in front of everybody sitting on a bench with his arm around Kyle Stevens was MY boyfriend! Excuse me, EX-boyfriend. Jeremy "The rat nose" Wilson!

Theo

(He looks at her while being concerned) He was?

Vanessa

So I went up to him, and I said: "What are you doing?" and he just looked at me and said: "Well, I was just sitting here with my arm on the bench and she sat down next to me.". Can you believe that?! Right there in public with his hands all over some other girl?! Would you do that to someone that you cared about?! Why would he do that, Theo? Why?!

Theo

I don't know, Vanessa. But JUST because he had his arm around with another girl, doesn't mean he doesn't care about you! You should give him another chance.

Vanessa

That is the same kind of garbage he was trying to lay on me! Was is it with you guys, do you read from the same book of bull?! Jeremy is history! Do you know the sacrifices I made for this guy?

Theo

Well, what if he came to you, and confessed that he made a terrible, terrible mistake?

Vanessa

I'd show him the door!

Theo

Okay, what if he said he was really, really sorry and you saw that he was in a whole lot of pain?

Vanessa

If I see him again, he will KNOW what pain is.

Ah-nu-nu-nu! Ah-nu-nu-nu! Ah-nu-nu-nu-nu!

Cliff

No-no-no-no-no!

I had to stand up in front of the police in the police station and tell Jade that I found the watch, symbol of our love on the street.

Theo

How'd she take it?

She broke up with me, calling me a conniving creature. Then she turned to the police and said, "Officers, arrest him for impersonating a man."

Sondra

Where are my babies?

Theo

(joking) Did you check under the couch?

Theo

I never thought Vanessa would crack under the pressure.

Clair

What pressure?

Theo

The pressure of growing up in this family. Because of what you guys have accomplished, people expect a lot more from us than other kids. Think about it, you're a lawyer, dad's a doctor. That's a lot of pressure mom.

Clair

We never said "become a doctor" "become a lawyer", we said "go to school, study, become whatever you want".

Theo

There you go, pressure! "Go to school" "become something", that's a lot of pressure, mom. All my friends see it.

Clair

Theo, when do you feel this pressure?

Theo

Every now and then.

Clair

This isn't about pressure, Vanessa got drunk because she and her friends were bored. Although they had television, VCR, video cassettes, audio cassettes, books.

Cliff

And each other.

Clair

Thank you.

Cliff

That they call every five minutes when they're away, yet they were bored together.

Clair

So you see, she did not feel any pressure from us, the only pressure she felt was from her friends.

Theo

Why couldn't they have had an essay question that said, "Write the story of Icarus"? I would have cleaned up on that.

Cliff

Because this is not Burger King! You cannot have it your way!

Clair

When are you gonna get it, Theo? This is not about living with Justine. This is about doing something behind our backs and then lying to us about what it is you're doing!

Theo

I'm sorry.

Cliff

The other day, you said your mother and I were controlling you with our money and that you and Justine were gonna go live your own lives. Now, did you ever stop to think what would happen if we said, "no, you can't come back here"?

Theo

No, I didn't.

Clair

Of course you didn't. Because we're your SAFETY NET! You always do this, you go out into the world and you mess up. Why? You know we're always sittin' in this house waiting to take you BACK IN! It's always been that way.

Theo

I know, Mom.

Clair

You come back into this house, you listen to the speech we give, just like the one your father just gave, you go right back out into the world, you mess up, and you always get to come back into the house again! Well, honey, I'm sorry, I have had enough. I do not have the strength to give you the permission to come back into this house.

Theo

Living with Justine has been good for my study habits. I mean she helps me organize. You know, just because you guys give me money doesn't mean you can control my life. You know if you guys aren't gonna get behind us on this, then Justine and I will just have to figure out a way to do it on our own and live our own lives! [Leaves the house]

Cliff

[to Clair] He told you!

Theo

I know I've been there.

Clair

Where? Where have you been? You have been nowhere. And that is where you're going to stay if you don't quit stirring up trouble.

Theo

How many is that?

Well, if you count all the shots I've taken today, I'm about 1 for 30.

Theo

Well, let's just say that the first 29 were practice and this one really counted.

Thanks, Theo.

Theo

Ah, your just in time, turkey burgers all around.

Clair

Alright, put one on my plate please? It looks good, I don't know what to put on it.

Cliff

How about some mustard.

Clair

Don't patronize me! I know what I want. I want some of the red stuff.

Theo

Mom, it's ketchup. [Clair gives him a look]

Cliff

Theo...[shakes his head no]

Theo

Right mom, red stuff.

Clair

Go get me a glass of water Rudy!?

Vanessa

Mom, I'm Vanessa.

Clair

Whoever you are, go get me a glass of water! No forget the water just give me ice, lots of ice! Pam get me a warm towel!?

Pam

Coming right up.

Clair

Oh, never mind, get out of my way! Ah this is so much better! [puts her face in the freezer]

Cliff

Would you get me some ice cream while you're in there?

Clair

Have you lost your mind, an ice cream would melt in this room, a person could burn up in this room. Never mind lets just get through this dinner! [slams the freezer door] Now where is Rudy?

Vanessa

Don't you remember, Denise took Rudy out tonight.

Clair

And who is Denise! Oh, that's right, that's the child's sister.

Theo

Mom would you like some peas?

Clair

I was hoping we have carrots. [starts crying]

Theo

We can make carrots mom.

Clair

It's too late, it's too late, I wanted something orange.

Cliff

Why didn't you fix some carrots boy? You kids are not worth a nickel around here.

Vanessa

Mom, it's ok, they have tear ducts specialists for this.

Clair

My tear ducts are fine. It's my children who are so stupid!