Cliff Huxtable quotes from The Cosby Show

Cliff

I would treat that cousin like a patient.

Pam

Would you give me a prescription for birth control pills?

Rudy

This is woman stuff. I really need mom for this one.

Cliff

I'm a gynecologist and you want to talk to a lawyer.

Elvin

Why can't we just have simple bodies....like Dad.

Cliff

This is your piece.

Sondra

Elvin, I don't know what you see when you look in the mirror but your body is certainly not complicated.

Elvin

Thank you Sondra, I'll be sure to keep my feelings about your body to myself.

Sondra

What feelings?

Elvin

It is not the time or place.

Sondra

No, what feelings?

Elvin

Your neck.

Sondra

What's wrong with my neck?!

Elvin

It's just a shade thin, sometimes I wonder how you swallow.

Pam

The truth is I was going to break curfew and take my punishment.

Clair

Come here. And just how do you know what that punishment is?

Cliff

Did Rudy tell you about that machine in the basement?

Excuse me, Ms. Huxtable. It wasn't Pam's fault. She didn't even want to go. I talked her into it.

Cliff

Well, then you must not be too much of a friend.

Yeah. I care for her a lot.

Cliff

Well, I don't think so. Because people you care for, you look after them.

Pam

Dr. Huxtable, it's not all on Slide. I have a mind of my own.

Clair

Then you better start using it!

Clair

How about getting in the car to got to work and discovering your daughters understanding of 'empty' is 'I'll just park the car over here and mom will fill it up'.

Cliff

How about leaving the car radio on so that both of us have a heart attack. Last time you left the thing on so loud your mother's hair went straight up!

Denise

How about when you have a date with a guy you really like?

Vanessa

Go ahead, tell him Denise.

Denise

And your father insists on meeting him. So what does he do? He takes the guy into the kitchen...

Cliff

Have a little talk.

Denise

Yeah, have a little talk with your four-foot buck-knife!

Vanessa

You took Jeremy into that kitchen, took two apples put them on top of each other. Said that was us. Took one of the apples, skinned it, and said that was him. I haven't heard from the boy since.

Theo

Ah, your just in time, turkey burgers all around.

Clair

Alright, put one on my plate please? It looks good, I don't know what to put on it.

Cliff

How about some mustard.

Clair

Don't patronize me! I know what I want. I want some of the red stuff.

Theo

Mom, it's ketchup. [Clair gives him a look]

Cliff

Theo...[shakes his head no]

Theo

Right mom, red stuff.

Clair

Go get me a glass of water Rudy!?

Vanessa

Mom, I'm Vanessa.

Clair

Whoever you are, go get me a glass of water! No forget the water just give me ice, lots of ice! Pam get me a warm towel!?

Pam

Coming right up.

Clair

Oh, never mind, get out of my way! Ah this is so much better! [puts her face in the freezer]

Cliff

Would you get me some ice cream while you're in there?

Clair

Have you lost your mind, an ice cream would melt in this room, a person could burn up in this room. Never mind lets just get through this dinner! [slams the freezer door] Now where is Rudy?

Vanessa

Don't you remember, Denise took Rudy out tonight.

Clair

And who is Denise! Oh, that's right, that's the child's sister.

Theo

Mom would you like some peas?

Clair

I was hoping we have carrots. [starts crying]

Theo

We can make carrots mom.

Clair

It's too late, it's too late, I wanted something orange.

Cliff

Why didn't you fix some carrots boy? You kids are not worth a nickel around here.

Vanessa

Mom, it's ok, they have tear ducts specialists for this.

Clair

My tear ducts are fine. It's my children who are so stupid!

Cliff

Last year I wanted a Maserati for my birthday and Mrs. Huxtable wouldn't let me have one.

Olivia

Well, if you tell Daddy and Denise that I want a pony, I'll tell Mrs. Huxtable that you want a Mister Ragi!

(while in pain) My back!

Your back?

Is killing me!

I'll get the tennis balls and massage you. (starts massaging Alicia)

You're doing it all wrong.

The book says...

Forget the book! That is not helping my back at all.

Cliff

Try straight up and down motions.

Excuse me, it's my back. (realizing it's Cliff) Oh, try straight up and down.

Clair

Cliff? Why is Olivia holding that piece of meat?

Cliff

Don't you get it, dear? It's the steak to drive through the vampire's heart!

Olivia

Ew, I hate liver. It tastes icky.

Clair

Oh, but it's so good for you.

Olivia

If it's so good for you, why don't you eat it?

Rudy

Uh-oh.

Clair

What did you just say to me, young lady?

Olivia

I said, you eat it. Please.

Clair

Okay. (starts eating)

Rudy

Mom!

Clair

Oh, but Rudy she said "please."

Cliff

Please doesn't work on me.

Olivia

I'll be your best friend.

Rudy

Dad!

Cliff

I want to be her best friend.

Clair

What is this? [taking a hand out of the fridge]

Olivia

My hand, I made it myself.

Cliff

Do you need an extra?

Olivia

Yes

Cliff

What for?

Olivia

You never know.

Cliff

How many times do I have to ask you to knock before you enter this room?

Rudy

Why? It's not nighttime.

Theo

Mrs. Jackson, your daughter has a concentration problem.

Clair

[as Mrs. Jackson] (begins speaking in Spanish)

Theo

No, no, aww naw. I said your name is Mrs. Jackson.

Clair

Si, soy Señora Jackson.

Theo

How am I going to handle this?

Cliff

Deal with it.

Theo

Hablo un pequito de español. Necesito un interpreter.

Cliff

(obviously impressed) My man dealt with it.