Cliff Huxtable quotes from The Cosby Show

Clair

Denise is married and I don't even know her last name.

Cliff

Mrs. Stupid.

Martin

Dr. Huxtable (shakes Cliff's hand), Mrs. Huxtable (shakes Clair's hand). It's a pleasure to meet you both. Denise has told me so much about you.

Cliff

I'm sorry we can't say the same about you.

Denise

Mom, Dad, the Kendalls are home!

Denise

There's someone here I'd like you to meet.

Clair

Oh, Martin, she's adorable. Isn't she, Cliff?

Cliff

She's too short.

Martin

Olivia, this is Denise's father. His name is Dr. Huxtable.

Olivia

Hi.

Cliff

And how are you?

Olivia

I'm fine.

Cliff

Good. Do you have a job?

Olivia

No.

Cliff

Then I guess I can't get any money out of you.

Olivia

I have money.

Cliff

You do? How much?

Olivia

I have a lot of it. You can have some if you want.

Cliff

I know this is not one of my children.

Cliff

Vanessa was in here.

Clair

Oh, really?

Cliff

Well, yeah. Came in to complain there's too many people in the house, and then demanded to use our bathroom.

Clair

Did you tell her to get a job?

Clair

Cliff, Angela Henning just called to say that while she and her husband went out, her daughter and her friends- our daughter included - decided to play the alphabet game while chug-a-lugging bourbon, and it seems that Vanessa was very drunk when she left.

Cliff

She must have lost.

Vanessa

[hungover] Daddy? Oh, Daddy...My stomach hurts. My head...EVERYTHING hurts. Please...give me something, anything...!

Cliff

[gently] Nothing I can give you, kid. There's no cure for this.

Theo

I never thought Vanessa would crack under the pressure.

Clair

What pressure?

Theo

The pressure of growing up in this family. Because of what you guys have accomplished, people expect a lot more from us than other kids. Think about it, you're a lawyer, dad's a doctor. That's a lot of pressure mom.

Clair

We never said "become a doctor" "become a lawyer", we said "go to school, study, become whatever you want".

Theo

There you go, pressure! "Go to school" "become something", that's a lot of pressure, mom. All my friends see it.

Clair

Theo, when do you feel this pressure?

Theo

Every now and then.

Clair

This isn't about pressure, Vanessa got drunk because she and her friends were bored. Although they had television, VCR, video cassettes, audio cassettes, books.

Cliff

And each other.

Clair

Thank you.

Cliff

That they call every five minutes when they're away, yet they were bored together.

Clair

So you see, she did not feel any pressure from us, the only pressure she felt was from her friends.

Theo

Why couldn't they have had an essay question that said, "Write the story of Icarus"? I would have cleaned up on that.

Cliff

Because this is not Burger King! You cannot have it your way!

Cliff

There's your dumb canned pumpkin, your stupid eggs, and your silly nut.

Clair

Nutmeg, and thank you. [kisses Cliff] Will you take those wet things off before you catch a cold? [begins to unpack the groceries] Cliff, there are no eggs in here!

Cliff

There's eggs in there! I put eggs in there, I bought eggs! [Claire lifts up the bag to show him it is empty] I don't care what that bag says, there's eggs in there!

How am I supposed to make corn bread without eggs?

Cliff

People don't need, uh, corn bread! Let- let 'em eat soda crackers!

Cliff

If it was just $2.30, why'd you steal it? If it was just $2.30, why didn't you just come and ask me for it?

Rudy

If I would've asked you for the $2.30, you would've asked "What's it for?" and I would've said "A sweat shirt", and you would've said "Do you know how much they paid coal miners in 1919?"

Clair

When are you gonna get it, Theo? This is not about living with Justine. This is about doing something behind our backs and then lying to us about what it is you're doing!

Theo

I'm sorry.

Cliff

The other day, you said your mother and I were controlling you with our money and that you and Justine were gonna go live your own lives. Now, did you ever stop to think what would happen if we said, "no, you can't come back here"?

Theo

No, I didn't.

Clair

Of course you didn't. Because we're your SAFETY NET! You always do this, you go out into the world and you mess up. Why? You know we're always sittin' in this house waiting to take you BACK IN! It's always been that way.

Theo

I know, Mom.

Clair

You come back into this house, you listen to the speech we give, just like the one your father just gave, you go right back out into the world, you mess up, and you always get to come back into the house again! Well, honey, I'm sorry, I have had enough. I do not have the strength to give you the permission to come back into this house.

Theo

Living with Justine has been good for my study habits. I mean she helps me organize. You know, just because you guys give me money doesn't mean you can control my life. You know if you guys aren't gonna get behind us on this, then Justine and I will just have to figure out a way to do it on our own and live our own lives! [Leaves the house]

Cliff

[to Clair] He told you!

Cliff

I want you to do me a favor. From where my heels are to where I land, I want you to mark how far I jumped. [He jumps across the living room.]

Clair

All right, stay right there. [Counts and calculates.] One... two... that's about eight feet.

Cliff

Eight feet? Add another three to that. Because when we see Vanessa, that's how far away from her I will have to be.