Cliff Huxtable quotes from The Cosby Show

Cliff and Clair, I am so glad you are here.

Clair

What is going on with Rudy?

Rudy is a delight and has quite an imagination.

Cliff

That's it for the meeting.

Hold on... Miss Rudy and I are having a problem, it is about behavior and music.

Clair

What is the matter?

Every year about this time I let them play musical instruments and let them choose. Well... Rudy was absent on the day and she had to pick what was left: the violin. She wanted the cymbals, but Kimberly chose them. As soon as music starts, she snatches the cymbals, but she's not going to play the violin forever. We switch every two weeks.

Denise

I've decided to discontinue my college education.

Clair

Come again, young lady?

Denise

I'm not going back to Hillman.

Cliff

Wanna bet?

Cliff

(to Clair) Can I go write a note and slip it under the door that says, "I told you so"?

Clair

No.

Cliff

Well, how about if I hire an airplane to fly past the window with a big sign on the end that says "I told you so"?

Clair

No, eat your grapefruit.

Cliff

I'll eat this grapefruit, and I'll take every one of these seeds and take them over to the bathroom door and spell out "I told you so."

Rudy

Dad, you will do your impression of the funny pirate, won't you? Everybody loves it when you do the pirate!

Cliff

Well, first of all, I am not a professional comedian.

Denise

What did they say?

Rudy

I had my ear right to the door and all I heard was "Denise," "Quitter" and "Dropout".

Denise

That's all you heard?

Rudy

No, but then I heard Daddy say (deepens voice) "Rudy, get away from the door!"

Denise

That's it, I'm not going! The chance of a lifetime. It'll never happen to me again!

Cliff

Hello! First of all, I want you to understand that I didn't appreciate you sending a spy. And on top of that you sent a lousy spy.

Theo

(about Denny ending up with Julia) Dad, he stabbed me in the back!

Cliff

Looks to me like you handed him the knife!

Rudy

I thought they were hot!

Clair

Maybe you should go up to your room and cool off!

Rudy

Aw, man!!! [goes upstairs]

Mrs. Huxtable, is there something wrong?

Clair

I don't know who you think you are, but you are not the people who just came down here in my living room, half-dressed, flinging parts from one end to the other!

Cliff

Are my eyes deceiving me? Aren't you all swollen in areas where you weren't swollen before?

Clair

Thank you. Because I definitely detect some growth! [approaches Vanessa and removes a large wad of tissues from top portion of her outfit]

Vanessa

Mom! That's part of our outfits!

Clair

The only part of your clothing that you will be allowed to stuff things into will be your pockets. Now you take this and go upstairs and put some clothes on! [To Kara and Janet] Now I'm not your mother, but I feel safe in saying I speak for them when I say go cover yourselves immediately!

Yes, Mrs. Huxtable. [The girls go upstairs]

Vanessa

[muttering] C'mon guys. You know I finally thought they were open enough to understand I'm not a child anymore.

Cliff

[yells upstairs] And don't put those tissues back in the box!

Clair

Did you see Miss Kara with that bra on on top of the leotard? Tell me!

Cliff

Did I see it? I...

Clair

We have made a mistake! We have planted roses, but we keep getting these weeds! Sondra's in the wilderness, Denise is in the jungle, and she's on the Locomotion! [yells upstairs] You better take that wall paint off your faces! Before the mothers come in here and see me. They'll be blaming me.

Cliff

Yeah, now let's...

Clair

Running around here dressed in nothing! Jumping around like they just hopped off the hot seat! Suppose some fool comes along, sees that, takes them seriously, Vanessa could end up on a stage somewhere across the country in a smoke-filled cafe, singing and dancing, and gyrating like that. And I won't be around to take the tissues out then. I am not!

Cliff

No, no. See...

Clair

What do they know? What do they know?! "Easy as doing your ABC's" [yells upstairs again] Miss 1400 on the SATs! I got your locomotion down here in the living room with a science book!

Cliff

Right!

Clair

And take that makeup off!

Cliff

That's right!

Clair

I can see it now! Sittin' in a Hollywood swimming pool with a remote phone in her hand calling me up [imitating a snobby girl] "Hi, Mom, Babe! Let's do lunch!" I will not have it! [storms into the kitchen]

Cliff

[yells upstairs] And that goes for me, too!

Cliff

(yells back) SHUT UP!

Would you mind if I took off my jacket? It's getting kind of hot in here.

Clair

That's fine.

Am I allowed to answer her?

Clair

Yes.

It's all right, Vanessa.

Vanessa

(yells again) I miss you!

Cliff

Let me tell you something right now. I'm coming up and it's not because I love you!

Clair

So that's where you took Theo.

Cliff

That's the second place, the first place was the army recruiter. I was serious, I was going to put his you know what in the army. We got there and there were 50 parents there, with 50 kids, all in line ahead of us. Some of them had their kids by the neck, one had a rope tied around her kid, then after 7 parents and kids went in and came back out, the army recruiter came out with a bullhorn. And he said, "Now listen up! All you parents who brought your kids here because they racked up money over the weekend on the credit card, or because your kid made somebody pregnant, or because they threw a party and destroyed the house, GET OUT OF LINE!"

Clair

Rudy, why don't you go upstairs and do your homework, honey. I'll check in on you at 9:30. Be ready for bed.

Rudy

[grumbling] 9:30! Why can't I stay up past 9:30! And they say it's a free world, HA! That's what they think. It's a free nothing!

Cliff

It's free because we pay for it!

(to Cliff) My granddaughter's having a baby?

Cliff

Yes.

I didn't know she was married.

Cliff

She isn't. You see it is possible to have a baby without getting married.

Rudy

It's easy, for me, because I have better manners than you.

Vanessa

Rudy, its not nice to say that you have better manners than someone.

Rudy

Its true, because if you had any manners at all, maybe you have a boyfriend right now, and you don't because you're a pig.

Vanessa

You're the slop that pigs eat.

Rudy

You are the piggy that make all the other piggies sick.

Cliff

Stop it! What are you doing?

Vanessa

I just wanted to straighten out her shirt.

Ah-nu-nu-nu! Ah-nu-nu-nu! Ah-nu-nu-nu-nu!

Cliff

No-no-no-no-no!

Clair

Well, first of all, we want to tell that we are really proud of you for sticking it out in the rainforest of Africa. That must have been quite an experience and I'm sure that you have grown a lot from that. And you're probably thinking about what you're gonna do next with your life.

Denise

You know, as a matter of fact, I wanna talk to you guys about that.

Cliff

Yes! And I talked to the president of Hillman and she said you can come back anytime you want.

Denise

Mom, Dad, I'd like to...talk to you about the guy who's watching my luggage.

Cliff

(chuckles) Come on. No, no, no. We're talking about...

Denise

No, Dad.

Cliff

Yes?

Denise

He's wonderful.

Cliff

Good, good.

Denise

His name is Martin.

Cliff

Fine.

Denise

And, um...Dad, he graduated from Annapolis. And, uh...ahem. He's a lieutenant in the navy.

Cliff

Ah, boy. Navy man. Can't go wrong with that.

Clair

You have to bring him by the house sometime.

Denise

Yeah, yeah! I'd love to! Soon, I hope.

Cliff

Sure, okay, yeah.

Clair

Wow! You two sound serious!

Denise

Yeah, we are.

Cliff

Yeah.

Denise

Um...We got married.

Cliff

So, I'm talking about what we're going to do is...Now, even if you don't want to go to college...

Clair

(while Cliff is still talking) Cliff, stop! Stop, Cliff! Stop, stop, stop!

Cliff

I'm talking to her about going to college...

Clair

This child has just said that she is married!

Cliff

Who said that?