Fritz Howard quotes from The Closer

Brenda

You can't leave the curtains open! Someone is going to see Kitty and then there's going to be big, big trouble.

Fritz

We can't meet the upstairs neighbor because the landlord said no pets. We have to keep the curtains closed 24 hours a day because the landlord said no pets. It's like living with Anne Frank.

Fritz

I've got to tell you, Brenda, I am so sick of this double standard.

Brenda

What double standard?

Fritz

You sent me on a needless and very expensive stakeout, you undermined three years of hard work, and if I had done anything remotely similar to that, if I had screwed with your case, my God, you would have changed the locks on the doors. I would have been so far out of line, but here is the difference: I would know it and I would try to correct it somehow.

Brenda

Now wait a minute! Just hold on! I never lied to you. I gave you exactly what you asked for. Exactly! Now, I'm sorry. I should have called you when we took Dean into custody, so I apologize for that.

Fritz

That. That's what you're sorry for?

Brenda

Yes.

Fritz

Really. That's it? Apology not accepted. [turns and walks away]

Brenda

[chases after Fritz until he stops] Now, wait a minute! All I did -- all I did was try to get the justice system to work for my victim! That is all I did!

Fritz

That is bullshit! You didn't do it for the justice system! You didn't do it for the victim! You did it to close your case! That's it! It's obviously the most important thing to you. It's clearly not me, and you know, maybe that's fine, but Brenda for once in your life be honest with yourself!!

Fritz

You want to call off the critical missing?

Pope

This kid, Sergei, has an extensive juvenile record and a history of running away. It appears that his father punished him, not unjustly, and the boy ran off in the middle of the night.

Brenda

If we investigated everything based on appearances we'd have a whole lot less to do.

Brenda

If I hear one more mention of weddings or chapels, I swear I am going to kill someone.

Fritz

They're just excited. That's all.

Brenda

No, no, no. You don't understand my daddy. When he wants something he will not stop until he gets it. Trust me on this.

Fritz

So it runs in the family then.

Brenda

Ha. Ha.

I hope we find a proper place for y'all to get married before we have to get on that ship. Brenda Leigh always lets things slide till the very last minute. I wish she'd take more of an interest in all this.

Fritz

Oh, she's very interested, Willie Rae. For example, look at how hard she's been searching for the right cake.

If that girl had her way, she'd ask the minister to stop by a crime scene, then serve Ho-Hos out of her purse.

Fritz

Didn't I tell you, honey? Claire's decided she's a psychic.

Brenda

Oh, really? Oh. I did not know that.

Actually, it's not a decision, it's a gift. I've had it since I was a child. [to Fritz] Remember that time I saved your life? I warned you not to step out of the treehouse?

Fritz

Yeah, because you pulled the ladder away.

Look, I don't wanna fight! Anyway, I prefer the word "intuitionist". People hear the word psychic and they think "wack job"!

Brenda

Claire may be a bit touched, but she seems perfectly harmless. She might enjoy coming to my work and seeing...

Fritz

What? No! No, no, no, no! I wouldn't let her anywhere near a murder case! Do you remember when the FBI sent 30 agents to drain that lake in Virginia looking for anthrax? That was her!!

Brenda

I have to check the schedule?

Charlie

He thinks I'm a youth volunteer.

Fritz

And the nurses think you're his sister?

Charlie

They only allow family members in the ICU. Thank God I heard you use his mom's name. Obviously Jake knows I'm not his sister, so I told him I was a youth volunteer. It was easier than explaining that you're my aunt.

Fritz

[laughs] You two are so related.

Fritz

And you've been having an affair for how long?

Brenda

Less than a month, but I sort of fell into it because you've been away a lot.

Fritz

So I want to kill you?

Brenda

No, not me. My boyfriend.

Fritz

Why not the both of you?

Brenda

Because we were on the roof together for a while, but you waited until my boyfriend was alone to shoot him.

Fritz

Are you sure my motive's jealousy and not irritation that everything you promised me you would bring to your new office is still boxed up in here?

Brenda

It's not my fault! I park blocks from where I work! And you don't want to kill me, anyway, you want to kill my boyfriend.

Fritz

I certainly do. So if I don't blame you for the affair, I have to blame the guy who seduced you.

Brenda

That's right. But just so you know, I'd never blame the other woman. It would be your fault a hundred percent.

Fritz

Who's the killer here, me or you?

Brenda

You, you, you. Sorry, go ahead.

Fritz

Jealousy can provoke a crime of passion, but it can also arrive in stages, like grief.

Brenda

Shock. Denial. Rage.

Fritz

Followed by gunshots to the head.

[news broadcast] "Daddy Say Yes" has broken into the top ten in downloads following her father's tragic accident. A bit of comfort for the folks gathering here in the Fort Wayne theater community.

Brenda

Ugh. It's only a bit of comfort if you believe Bob Michaels found a fresh pizza on a mountain trail one hour before he was pepper sprayed and shoved off the side of a cliff by the Invisible Man. It's so frustrating that you couldn't find any footprints.

Fritz

Yeah, too many feet on the trail to tell who's who. Obviously somebody neatened up near the edge of the cliff. It's not my fault.

Brenda

Ooh! That song again! It makes me want to jump off a cliff.

Fritz

You've got to admit, it's kind of catchy.

Brenda

So's the flu.