So, uh. Lester, wha-uh-what the-what can we expect from this?
[in the same intonation as "I don't know"] Mmmm. I'm not usually on the Ned Beatty side of this situation. Best I can guess is...ouchie in the boom boom.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Leggo my negro.
See, Cleveland. That's the difference between our shows. On our show, we would have shown the rape, and had a show tune about the rape.
And I would have just been the black guy. [cries]
Of course I do, son, but Christianity makes sense: A virgin had God's baby, who then grew up to be murdered by the [clears throat] Romans, so you and I could be forgiven for Eve eating that apple she got from the talkin' snake. Three days later, Jesus rose from the dead to tell everyone he was coming back someday to fight the Devil; then he flew up to his mansion in Heaven where he sits in judgment of the gays! HOW CAN YOU NOT BELIEVE THAT?!
Just don't.
But this is a Christian home!
Then how come we never go to church?
Church is for those in need, Junior. You don't go to the doctor when you're healthy.
I heard what you said downstairs. Heartbreaking stuff, man. It got me thinking about how much you and I have in common.
Really?
Mm-hmm. I used to be just like you. Lost. No direction. I was a real troublemaker. Then one day, I pushed things too far. Drew on the wall with a crayon after Momma told me not to.
Oh, no.
That was the day my luck ran out. Got put in a time out—10 to 15—mandatory minimum. That's hard time for a kid, time I'll never get back, so I prayed for forgiveness, and Jesus entered my heart and changed my life. It was divine intervention.
You drew on the wall the next day.
In the name of the Lord. I'm talking about faith. I believe that the man who created the entire universe knows my name and cares what happens to me. Do you know what that is?
Narcissism?
[after being hit on the head by a tree] And that's the way it is Friday, May 19, 1978...
Oh, no. He thinks he's Walter Cronkite again!
Man, that's some C-BS!
No! This is what you get when you ignore the warnings of the National Weather Service , like a dumbass, and think you can wait out a hurricane!
But we can't go home now.
You're right. Your mom and Junior will tease the dickens out of us. [looks off camera] Can we say that? Oh, okay. They'll tease the dickens out of us. [bumps into a table] Ow! Right in the dickens!
[Cleveland pushes Donny across WD-40 fluid from Junior's costume toward the window]
DDonny
I hate black people!
[Donny falls out the window]
Figures.
[Cleveland, Jr. cleans his award]
Junior, I don't ever wanna see you laughed at like that again.
[Cleveland, Jr. trips over]
[laughs] Walk much? So anyway. From this moment on, I don't want you to follow anybody else's rules. I want you to be a renegade.
CJCleveland, Jr.
Okay.
See? That's exactly what I'm talking about. Don't say okay to everything.
CJCleveland, Jr.
[sadly] Sorry.
And don't say sorry all the time.
CJCleveland, Jr.
Okay.
No! Oh, forget it. Just go to bed.
CJCleveland, Jr.
Okay, sorry.
Oh. Dang it, Junior! It's only 6:30!
CJCleveland, Jr.
[in bed] I thought I seemed early.
Then why were you going to bed?
CJCleveland, Jr.
Well, because you told me to, Daddy.
That's exactly why you shouldn't. Here, chug this beer.
CJCleveland, Jr.
I'm not 21. Plus, I'm on allergy medication that shouldn't be mixed with alcohol. But if you say so. [drinks the beer, causing him to fall down and dies]
[cut to the hospital]
DDoctor
I'm sorry. We did all we could. He's dead.
[sobs] Junior, please don't leave me!
CJCleveland, Jr.
[gets up and is alive] Okay.
[angrily] Aah, you're hopeless!
[Rallo is in a costume]
And on this faithful day, by amalgamating the power of electricity, Rallo Tubbs will transform himself into [takes a fork out] Electro-Boy!
[hop and tries to stick the fork in the outlet; electricity is heard]
Kids, dinner!
Coming. [drops the fork, picks up scissors; screams and starts cutting]
MMurray
Come on, our table's back here. We already had our soup and sent back our first two courses.
Ha! Wait, we?
[Hazel puts on her lipstick and puckers up]
HHazel
Hi, Rallo. I'm so glad you could join us.
Excuse me? What's Wrinkle-Me-Elma doing here? [Murray picks him up and puts him in a booster seat] You said it was just gonna be us.
MMurray
[pinches and moves Hazel's cheek] You tell that face no.
[they start making out]
Well, I don't have an old people fetish.
BABystander at the Nativity scene
Jesus was white!
Welcome to the party over here, pal.
CJCleveland, Jr.
Will you tell us the sequel next Christmas, Dad?
Let's wait and see how the internet responds to the first one.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Cleveland Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.