Joker quotes from The Batman (2004)

Joker

Didn't we all learn an important lesson today? That's right, with a positive attitude and a smile, maybe, just maybe, we can all get along?

Joker

[during the "Telethon"] We've just received fifty dollars from: Grandma Shades! She says: "Please don't harm my grandson, I beg you". Human compassion at it's finest!

The Joker

Pop psychology at its worst! The girl's [Harleen Quinzel] theories are unfounded! Her professional manner's a joke and training, if ANY, is shoddy at best! I LOVE this show! The girl's more screw-loose than me!

Joker

This town's gone mad! [laughs]

Joker

Takes after his pa, wouldn't you say?

Batman

What did you do to him?

Joker

Just some laughing gas, drag. Don't tell me you're not an inmate. [jumps down] What rational being dresses like you?! Speaking of threads, think this is a good look for me?

Batman

Who are you?

Joker

Joker.

Batman

Not what. Who?

Joker

Smear-free. It's "perma-clown"! Ooh, tough crowd. Look. Nothing up my sleeves. Ha, ha. [reveals a weapon] Nothing that won't put a smile on your face. Say cheese! [Batman throws a batarang, which knocks Joker's weapon out of his hand] I'm out of gas.

Batman

And I'm out of patience!

Joker

You really know how to spoil a coming-out party. How do you expect me to spread mirth and whimsy without a proper hideout?!

Batman

Listen, Joker, you're sick. You need help.

Joker

Well, maybe I am a little off. [kicks Batman] But what are you gonna do? Lock me in the loony bin? I'm already here!

Joker

Stop me if you've heard this one, Batman. There were these two fellows in an abandoned party favor factory. One says to the other--

Batman

Where are you keeping the gas, Joker?

Joker

You call that a punchline?

Batman

I don't share your sense of humor.

Joker

Yet we're linked, you and I. Like comedy and tragedy. Two sides, same coin.

Batman

The gas, Joker! Or I vow I will turn your smile upside down.

Joker

If it's gas you want... [He throws a playing card at a brown bag, which falls to the stage floor. Batman dodges it in time] Place all tray tables in their upright positions! [Joker laughs maniacally as his balloon takes off]

The Joker

[mutters to himself in his cell, until Batman appears] The Batman! What if I hadn't been decent?

Batman

You're never decent, Joker. Why bother adding a stand-in to your card collection instead of me?

The Joker

[Laughs] To drive you batty, of course. And look, it's working.

Batman

[Grabs Joker] Answers, Joker.

The Joker

Do you really think I'd send a flunky to eliminate my favorite sparring partner? I reserve that pleasure for me alone.

Batman

Then why -

The Joker

Because I miss your company, Batman. [Batman pushes Joker aside] We're two sides of the same card. After all, you knew where I'd send my look-a-like to find you. And I knew all along that if I left a trail of breadcrumbs, you'd gobble them up!

Batman

Joker, you're not making sense. Why convince an orderly to do your dirty work when you could just have him unlock your cell?

The Joker

Because you've always been my ace, Batman. My ace in the hole! [Laughs and pulls out two sticks and plays a tune with no notes]

Batman

What?

The Joker

[Cackles] I don't need you in my card collection. I never play with a full deck! [Laughs]

Joker

Welcome to Joker's revenge-o-rama! Introducing my first guest, [unveils Wigzell] Judge Horace Wigzell! He's such a card! [presses button, canned laughter plays] Now, why are you here? [in Southern accent] Because y'all done me wrong! [to the Judge] Wigzy, you sentenced me to life in the loony bin! [to Yin and Bennett] Detectives, you arrested me; Shame on you! [to Bagley] Bagley, how many times have I told you, I hate macaroni and cheese! Oh, how I've wanted to deck you all, and deck you I shall! [knocks Wigzell into the river] Go fish! [presses button, canned applause plays]

Joker

Ah, detective, my therapy worked! It seems you and I finally share the same sense of humour!

Detective Ellen Yin

[aiming at the Joker] Don't fool yourself, Joker. Bennett plays for my team.

Detective Ethan Bennett

Yin?

Joker

The yin to his yang. [aims his "Joker Putty" gun at Bennett] Drop it! Or laughing boy gets it! You don't know what this stuff does to humans!

Joker

For that matter, neither do I. Let's find out! [aims at Bennett again]

Detective Ellen Yin

NO!

Joker

Well, well, well. Graffiti! That's a pretty serious offense, girls. But that's why I became a crimefighter - to take out garbage like you!

Batman

The costume party's over, Joker.

Joker

Joker? Didn't you hear? The Clown Prince of Crime's checked out. He just couldn't take anymore. Couldn't take the Batman. Always there to thwart his latest scheme. Well, it was really starting to drive him mad! [Batman grabs Joker] But then Joker thought, if he couldn't beat the Bat, he'd be the Bat. [chuckles]

Batman

Think Gotham has one Batman too many.

Joker

Which means one of us has gotta go.

Batman

My thoughts exactly.

Penguin

Huh? Joker?!

Joker

I'm the Batman.

Penguin

You see, the thing is... you're not!

Joker

The eggs, Penguin, or I scramble you.

Penguin

Are you out of your gourd?! I'm in the middle of a heist! You don't see me barging in on your "gas all of Gotham" schemes, do you?! It is called professional courtesy!

Joker

Sorry, Pengy, but bringing down Gotham's second biggest criminal means my biggest bounty yet.

Penguin

"Second biggest"?! Says who?!

Professor Hugo Strange

I have developed a device that allows its user to tap directly into a patient's mind, like a two-way radio transmission.

Chief Angel Rojas

You gotta be kidding me.

Professor Hugo Strange

Hardly. The technology is untested, and therefore risky, but I am willing to volunteer.

What makes you so sure Joker will be willing to cooperate?

Joker

Another voice in my head? Well, the more, the merrier!

Joker

I proclaim this street "Rictus Row"!

Penguin

It's my 'hood, and it's "Penguinsburg"!

Riddler

I prefer the ring of "Enigma Avenue".

Penguin

Who are you?

Riddler

Call me... the Riddler.

Joker

"Riddler"? You stealing my shtick?!

Riddler

I do riddles. I don't tell jokes.

Penguin

Well, Gotham ain't big enough for the two of us, skinny, let alone three!

Riddler

Precisely why I propose we settle this with a wager.

Joker

What's the game?

Riddler

The first to capture and unmask our greatest common foe wins Gotham.

Joker

No matter who wins...

Penguin

The biggest loser is the Batman.

Joker

[after boosting his muscles with Venom] Hide your families, Gotham! Cause when Joker goes jumbo... [breaks a dumbbell over his knee] he'll snap your twigs!

Batgirl

[enters through the fleeing crowd] Whoa, big.

Joker

Batgirl? You're way dinkier than I expected. [swats her away into the side of the tent] Being a criminal genius just doesn't cut it these days. You need brawn to complement the brains! [smashes a beam, bringing the whole tent crashing down]

Batgirl

I think I'd better join a gym...

Joker

Oh, Batgirl, you stepped up to heavyweight class!

Batgirl

[inside the Batbot] Here goes nothing... [gains control] Yes!

Joker

How many rounds can you go with Sugar Ray Joker?

Batgirl

Let's find out.

Time's up, my friends.

Professor Hugo Strange

[clears throat] Excuse me. Before you send us all to that big Arkham Asylum in the sky, would you mind indulging an old man's intellectual curiosity, and answer a simple question: why?

Why? I'll tell you why. [removes his mask] I'm a bodyguard of Paul Karon. A great man. A man you, Joker, maimed.

Joker

[smiles, flattered] Me?

Catwoman

Should've known this was Joker's fault.

Penguin

Just had to make the nut-ball angry!

Don't blame Joker - blame the Bat. He had the chance to permanently stop each and every one of you, but was always prevented by some code of ethics. Now I'm left to finish a job he doesn't have the guts to.

Professor Hugo Strange

[laughs] And you believe every word of that, don't you? You didn't capture us so you could save Gotham. No, you're trying to erase your own failure of not saving your boss.

That's not true! Shut up!