Penguin quotes from The Batman (2004)

Penguin

What took you so long? You are late - again! [the crow caws at him] Zip it! I'm through with you birdbrains. [to the owl] You're not wise enough! [to the vulture] You eat too much meat! [to the crow] You are always crowing about something or other! And you, finch - don't get me started on you and your bird pies! [slams his fist down, then cringes as he realizes he touched a dropping] Oh! Indoors?! Eurgh! I have had it with you slobs! Well, you and your doo-doo are going the way of the dodo!

Penguin

Well, well, well - come to help with the dusting, Jeevesy?

Alfred Pennyworth

Actually, I just popped in to reclaim some missing property.

Penguin

Fine, you can use it to serve me more of those shrimp puffs.

Alfred Pennyworth

The days of Pennyworths serving Cobblepots are long since over!

Penguin

Huh? You're a Pennyworth?

Alfred Pennyworth

And the only thing keeping me from walloping you soundly is the shame that the news of the incident would bring upon my Master Bruce.

Penguin

Wayne, shmayne. The good old days when Cobblepots were king are coming back, 'cause I'm gonna restore the Cobblepot name to its former wealth and glory!

Alfred Pennyworth

Hmm. If you intend to do so by pilfering, it may take a while.

Penguin

Not as long as you think, old man. [points at the pile of riches stolen by his birds]

Alfred Pennyworth

What has Master Bruce ever done to you?

The Penguin

Oh, nothing. Nothing really. Except own everything that should rightfully belong to me! I am from noble blood! The Cobblepots were once the toast of society! I am a Cobblepot!

Catwoman

Cats and birds are natural enemies, you know.

Penguin

Now, with enemies like you, cat chickie, who needs friends?

Penguin

Huh? Joker?!

Joker

I'm the Batman.

Penguin

You see, the thing is... you're not!

Joker

The eggs, Penguin, or I scramble you.

Penguin

Are you out of your gourd?! I'm in the middle of a heist! You don't see me barging in on your "gas all of Gotham" schemes, do you?! It is called professional courtesy!

Joker

Sorry, Pengy, but bringing down Gotham's second biggest criminal means my biggest bounty yet.

Penguin

"Second biggest"?! Says who?!

So that's the wretched device which controls me. Its frequency must have triggered my echolocation bat-hearing and reactivated dormant traces of the serum in my system, transforming me into Man-Bat!

Penguin

...Yeah, whatever. So I just gotta flip this puppy on to turn nerd-guy back into Man-Bat?

I shall allow you to live, Penguin, if you hand it to me now.

Penguin

Hand what to you, huh, this? This?! [waves it at Langstrom mockingly and knocks him back with his umbrella, laughing]

Then be sure you never lose it. For the first opportunity I get, I shall clip your flightless wings.

Joker

I proclaim this street "Rictus Row"!

Penguin

It's my 'hood, and it's "Penguinsburg"!

Riddler

I prefer the ring of "Enigma Avenue".

Penguin

Who are you?

Riddler

Call me... the Riddler.

Joker

"Riddler"? You stealing my shtick?!

Riddler

I do riddles. I don't tell jokes.

Penguin

Well, Gotham ain't big enough for the two of us, skinny, let alone three!

Riddler

Precisely why I propose we settle this with a wager.

Joker

What's the game?

Riddler

The first to capture and unmask our greatest common foe wins Gotham.

Joker

No matter who wins...

Penguin

The biggest loser is the Batman.

Killer Croc

Listen, mothball. There's only room for one "killer" here - that's Killer Croc.

Firefly

Nice wings. Granny make 'em?

Ragdoll

Now, now, give the man a chance. What are your special talents? Attraction to bright lights? Eating holes in sweaters?

Listen, I can help you guys! I got a lot of skills!

Penguin

Do enlighten us, Moth.

Well, I got stealth skills, code-breaking skills, karate skills, cocooning skills...

Penguin

[holds up a mug] What about coffee-making skills? I take mine black, two lumps.

Firefly

Bats sure went out with a bang!

Killer Croc

Yeah, we always think that.

Penguin

It doesn't matter. We kicked those Bat-butts once, we can do it again! Tonight proved it! Team Penguin is unstoppable!

Ragdoll

How about "Villains United"?

Penguin

How about you shut up?

Time's up, my friends.

Professor Hugo Strange

[clears throat] Excuse me. Before you send us all to that big Arkham Asylum in the sky, would you mind indulging an old man's intellectual curiosity, and answer a simple question: why?

Why? I'll tell you why. [removes his mask] I'm a bodyguard of Paul Karon. A great man. A man you, Joker, maimed.

Joker

[smiles, flattered] Me?

Catwoman

Should've known this was Joker's fault.

Penguin

Just had to make the nut-ball angry!

Don't blame Joker - blame the Bat. He had the chance to permanently stop each and every one of you, but was always prevented by some code of ethics. Now I'm left to finish a job he doesn't have the guts to.

Professor Hugo Strange

[laughs] And you believe every word of that, don't you? You didn't capture us so you could save Gotham. No, you're trying to erase your own failure of not saving your boss.

That's not true! Shut up!