Batman quotes from The Batman (2004)

Batman

[after Ethan and Karlo are cured from their Clayface transformations] Welcome back, Ethan.

Batman

Be careful what you say in front of him, Robin. Strange may be a madman, but he's also a brilliant psychiatrist. If he finds an opening, he'll mess with your head.

Joker

Takes after his pa, wouldn't you say?

Batman

What did you do to him?

Joker

Just some laughing gas, drag. Don't tell me you're not an inmate. [jumps down] What rational being dresses like you?! Speaking of threads, think this is a good look for me?

Batman

Who are you?

Joker

Joker.

Batman

Not what. Who?

Joker

Smear-free. It's "perma-clown"! Ooh, tough crowd. Look. Nothing up my sleeves. Ha, ha. [reveals a weapon] Nothing that won't put a smile on your face. Say cheese! [Batman throws a batarang, which knocks Joker's weapon out of his hand] I'm out of gas.

Batman

And I'm out of patience!

Joker

You really know how to spoil a coming-out party. How do you expect me to spread mirth and whimsy without a proper hideout?!

Batman

Listen, Joker, you're sick. You need help.

Joker

Well, maybe I am a little off. [kicks Batman] But what are you gonna do? Lock me in the loony bin? I'm already here!

Joker

Stop me if you've heard this one, Batman. There were these two fellows in an abandoned party favor factory. One says to the other--

Batman

Where are you keeping the gas, Joker?

Joker

You call that a punchline?

Batman

I don't share your sense of humor.

Joker

Yet we're linked, you and I. Like comedy and tragedy. Two sides, same coin.

Batman

The gas, Joker! Or I vow I will turn your smile upside down.

Joker

If it's gas you want... [He throws a playing card at a brown bag, which falls to the stage floor. Batman dodges it in time] Place all tray tables in their upright positions! [Joker laughs maniacally as his balloon takes off]

The Batman, I presume?

Batman

The masked look must really be catching on.

Defeat me, and I will allow you to remove it.

Batman

Hate to disappoint, but I don't fight for sport.

Then fight for your life!

Batman

Talk to me. You can start with name and motive.

I am Bane, the last opponent you will ever face.

I knew you'd come calling, Batman. So tell me - who's the better bat?

Batman

This has to end now, before you start feeding on humans.

Oh, but I'm so close to my goal! Two more doses of my formula, and the Man-Bat will rule the night forever!

Mr. Freeze

You're finished, Batman. I'm king of the mountain! The new emperor of Gotham! So get used to the weather.

Batman

No, Freeze. This is my mountain.

So, would you say the idea of a Batman/Catwoman link wasn't so farfetched after all?

Ellen Yin

Yes, it's clear now that they work together to take down Katsu... as a vigilante team.

Alfred Pennyworth

Not quite what I had in mind when I encouraged you to meet women who share your interests, Master Bruce. But it's a start.

Batman

If Catwoman were somehow, some way able to trace the signal back here-

Alfred Pennyworth

We would have to rename it "The Catcave."

Batman

Firefly.

Firefly

Batman. [laughs] I see you survived your crack-up.

Batman

I know about GothCorp.

Firefly

What? That a rock band or something?

Batman

For someone who gets his kicks scorching tech companies, hard to believe you've never heard of them.

Batman

You're done, Firefly. Cooked.

Firefly

Says who? [laughs, salutes and flies outside] No one touches me in the sky!

Firefly

What?

Batman

This time, I brought the heat.

Bonus round! Stump Cluemaster and they go free!

Batman

Well, that doesn't seem fair. Is there anything the great Arthur Brown doesn't know?

You'll find out.

Batman

What can I ask you about?

Anything!

Batman

No topic is off-limits?

History, science, literature...

Batman

Music? Biology? Current events?

Anything! Let's go already!

Batman

Okay. Name the true identity of... the Batman.

Trick question! Ask another!

Batman

You said I could ask anything.

NO FAIR!

Only one heist away from retirement and the clean, honest work of a cowboy.

Batman

You know... Gotham Penitentiary has a thriving retirement community.

The Joker

[mutters to himself in his cell, until Batman appears] The Batman! What if I hadn't been decent?

Batman

You're never decent, Joker. Why bother adding a stand-in to your card collection instead of me?

The Joker

[Laughs] To drive you batty, of course. And look, it's working.

Batman

[Grabs Joker] Answers, Joker.

The Joker

Do you really think I'd send a flunky to eliminate my favorite sparring partner? I reserve that pleasure for me alone.

Batman

Then why -

The Joker

Because I miss your company, Batman. [Batman pushes Joker aside] We're two sides of the same card. After all, you knew where I'd send my look-a-like to find you. And I knew all along that if I left a trail of breadcrumbs, you'd gobble them up!

Batman

Joker, you're not making sense. Why convince an orderly to do your dirty work when you could just have him unlock your cell?

The Joker

Because you've always been my ace, Batman. My ace in the hole! [Laughs and pulls out two sticks and plays a tune with no notes]

Batman

What?

The Joker

[Cackles] I don't need you in my card collection. I never play with a full deck! [Laughs]

Joker

Welcome to Joker's revenge-o-rama! Introducing my first guest, [unveils Wigzell] Judge Horace Wigzell! He's such a card! [presses button, canned laughter plays] Now, why are you here? [in Southern accent] Because y'all done me wrong! [to the Judge] Wigzy, you sentenced me to life in the loony bin! [to Yin and Bennett] Detectives, you arrested me; Shame on you! [to Bagley] Bagley, how many times have I told you, I hate macaroni and cheese! Oh, how I've wanted to deck you all, and deck you I shall! [knocks Wigzell into the river] Go fish! [presses button, canned applause plays]

Clayface

Come on in, Batman. It's time to say our goodbyes to Chief Rojas.

Batman

Let him go.

Clayface

What, you don't approve, Bats? After all, to Rojas here, we're both on the wrong side of the law.

Batman

It doesn't matter what he thinks. It's the code you live by that matters. And you don't want to cross a line that you can't uncross.

Clayface

Maybe you haven't noticed, Bats, but my line's been crossed! For good!

Detective Ellen Yin

Ethan, no!

Clayface

[morphs into Ethan Bennett] It's not cool to reveal secret identities, Yin. [morphs into Yin] Not that it matters, [morphs into Bruce Wayne] when I can be anyone I choose, [morphs into Batman] and when I'm no longer sure what I am, [morphs into the Joker] except a freak! [laughs] You know what separates the freaks from the normals? Just one rotten day. Ever had a really rotten day, Batman? [morphs back into Clayface] Thought so.

Batman

Joker's rotten to the core by choice. A choice that's still yours to make, Detective.

Detective Ellen Yin

Turn yourself in, Ethan. We can help you.

Clayface

You don't get it, do you? Joker didn't just melt my skin - he melted my mind! I'm a freak, inside and out! And Chief Rojas has zero-tolerance for the likes of me!

Catwoman

You read Ancient Egyptian?

Batman

The pictures help.

Ellen Yin

Four sides facing north. The house is at the South Pole, so it's a polar bear. The answer is "white." [Batman ignores the trap] Aren't you taking a risk?

Batman

There are no bears at the South Pole. This riddle has no answer.

Ellen Yin

Riddler cheated?

Batman

Riddler quit. He's through playing.