(After having died, the Nerd spawns in a temple, where he has to wait for ten seconds before restarting.)
SStatue
"There's no cure for stupidity beyond death."
Yeah, well, fuck you too, you fuckin' statues!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
(waiting for a platform to take Drake to the top of a building) O-oh, come on! I could build a sculpture of a horse takin' a shit, out of horse shit, in the time it takes to get up there!
This is where the problems in the game REALLY mount up, and it just... builds inside you with all this RAGE, and you become... just BOILING SO FUCKIN' HOT! It's not like you're in Hell; you've become Hell! Bad people die, and they go into you!
(fighting a boss) And before I know it, I'm dead! What the fuuucck?!
So you defeat the boss, you rescue your master, and now you gotta go down into the subway, and... (gets hit by a train and dies) HAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! Thi-I-I-I-I can't fuckin' stand this. I-I would cheat, but, they didn't even program cheat codes! But how could they, if they can't even program a fuckin game?! (stammers and briefly meditates)
[first lines of the episode; Tomb Raider theme music plays in the background]
I have a confession: I totally missed out on the Tomb Raider craze.
Full disclosure, I saved all my money for a Nintendo 64, so I missed out on all the PlayStation games that everybody talks about like Metal Gear Solid, (Castlevania: )Symphony of the Night, Final Fantasy VII, and, yes, Tomb Raider. In the mid 90's and early 2000's, Tomb Raider was one of the biggest game franchises. Every year, we got a new Tomb Raider game. I can see why people liked it. It revolutionized 3D platforming, the same way Super Mario 64 did. The puzzles were fun, the settings were cool, the music was atmospheric, and the action was top-notch for the time.
Seemed like the only thing bigger than the games, was its star, Lara Croft.
[Hydlide theme plays]
Lara Croft was basically Indiana Jones for the '90s. You thought Indy was badass? Lara goes from fighting wolves and dinosaurs, to mummies, and eventually, skinless Atlantean demons straight from a Clive Barker movie. Oh, and bats. She also fights bats. Can't forget those.
[Tomb Raider theme resumes]
Lara Croft's popularity took the world by storm. She was the first female game protagonist to get this kind of attention. Her fame transcended the games, and she ended up being on the cover of magazines, and even the spokesperson for products. I'm not kidding. She was in car commercials, soda commercials, and an ad for Visa! Seems like the world was obsessed with Lara Croft. Even in the early episodes, when I always had that (The Legend of) Zelda poster, on the other side, Lara was here all along.
I'm not sure why everyone was into Lara Croft, but I can guess a couple of reasons. These days, she still appears in games, and even had a few movies based off her. Her fame might not be as big as it was back then, but it's clear she will still be kicking ass in video games for a long time.
But they can't all be hits, and that's why I'm gonna go on a journey to find the worst Tomb Raider games ever made! Now you gotta pack, because when you're dealing with shitty games, you gotta really be prepared for these! [he packs several firearms into a backpack] Because these games, who knows how bad they're gonna be?! I mean, we might find some vile fucking crap here! So, you gotta bring all the necessities here!
So, here's Tomb Raider: Chronicles, the fifth in the series, but the first to fail critically and financially. The game opens with Lara's funeral. Yeah, that's right. The last game ended with her dying. The developers were tired of doing Tomb Raider and hoped the fourth game would be the end. Well, maybe if I killed off my character, I wouldn't have to review any more shitty games! Nah, just kidding. Not yet. The game centers around a group of her friends sharing stories of her adventures. After that, we get a loading screen where I noticed something interesting. There's a credit, for Timex. Yeah, Timex, the watch company. What, did they make this game on a ZX Spectrum? Oh, here's why. It's an ad, for a grip-clip watch. Lara uses it in the game to keep track of her time and progress. So, right away, this game just sells out with a product placement! It's like people only do things because they get paid. And that's just really sad.
(Tomb Raider: )Chronicles is just a soulless rehash of the other games and a shameless advertisement for a watch (almost) no one remembers. I don't know what else to say about it, so I'll just quote one of the developers of the game. "Tomb Raider 5 was effectively a load of OLD SHIT. That was the most depressing one for us. We were effectively just doing that for a paycheck because no other team wanted to take it on. So, we had to do it, basically. By that time, it had taken its toll. Three years of hammering it, and we were burnt out. That shows in the product." [chuckles] Oh, my God! This might be the first time someone who made the game reviewed it for me! Huh. [tosses the game into the pool]
So, here it is. The (un)holy grail of shitty Tomb Raider games: (Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - The )Angel of Darkness. It was so bad it killed the studio making it and nearly killed the whole franchise. This was the first Tomb Raider game on the PS2. It was gonna usher Lara Croft into a new age with a bigger, better adventure. There would be larger environments, and more stuff to do. It would be a whole new game...or it would've been if the development wasn't such a disaster.
The problems start right at the beginning. The opening cutscene introduces Lara in a dark office where her associate [Werner Von Croy] gets killed by someone offscreen. This is how you open your fun action-adventure game? By ripping off Clue?
Compare this to the first game which opens in an exotic location and has Lara murdering fucking wolves! But then, (Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - The )Angel of Darkness starts off with a tutorial, and you better not fuck up because if you die without saving, you start at the beginning.
And I don't mean, "The beginning of the level.", I mean, "The beginning of the whole game." No checkpoints, nothing, so get used to saving.
Save after every puzzle, save after every enemy, and save after every jump. [sighs annoyedly] And the jumping. You would think, since this is PS2, the controls would be better than PS1! [chuckles sarcastically] But you'd be wrong. They're extremely clunky, and that's the reason why you die so much.
You know what would've been nice? A training section where I could practice these new controls without affecting the main game. You know, like the Croft Manor section of the old games.
Now you have to reach a certain part in the game to get a new ability. Climbing this wall will make you be able to climb longer. Moving this box will give you the ability to move two boxes. Kicking a huge metal drawbridge will give you the ability to open a small door. That doesn't even make any sense!
The creators spent so much time figuring out how to make Lara's boobs jiggle, they forgot to make her fun to play. By the way, the camera in this game sucks. It constantly fucks you up and makes jumping difficult. At one point, the camera goes into Lara's head, and it's one of the most horrifying images I've seen!
[An intense horror scream sound effect plays in the background]
In the words of one of the people who made the game, "The camera was just a complete pig." [nods his head in agreement] Yeah, that's one way to put it.
OMOld Man
Leave me alone. I'm busy.
[breaks the fourth wall] Busy? Busy doing what, staring at a wall?
A guy standing in the park all by himself saying he's "busy". He looks like the least busy person in the world.
That's all he says. Turns out, he's one of two people who help you get into the club. I talked to someone else first, so that triggers this guy to just say the same thing, over and over.
OMOld Man
Leave me alone. I'm busy.
[while he attempts to finish the game] I need to finish it! I need to finish the game!
NSThe Nerd's Dad
Junior, let it go.
But I'm so close. I'm so close! I can finish it!
NSThe Nerd's Dad
Nerd. [whispers] Let it go.
You're right. Fuck the shitty game. [drops the PlayStation 2 into the lava pit as it hits the lava and explodes into oblivion]
So, the whole story is, the game was rushed out, unfinished, it failed, and then Core Design, the company who originally made Tomb Raider, shut down. It was so bad that Paramount blamed it for (Lara Croft: )Tomb Raider - (The) Cradle of Life's low box office.
[Wah-wah-wah-wah music plays as the low box office gross for Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - The Cradle of Life, which shows a 57% loss, is shown.]
Oh, and have you ever noticed the Angelina Jolie Tomb Raider movies aren't called Tomb Raider? They're officially called Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life. What a mouthful. Did they just read the movie poster out loud? Might be why it took 15 years to get another feature film, which was simply called, Tomb Raider, unless the real title was supposed to be: Alicia Vikander is Lara Croft Tomb Raider March 16th Experience It In IMAX. But that's probably too much for a theater marquee, right? Anyway, it was the end of an era, but my journey leads to one last game. One almost forgotten like the shit you took last month.
[picks up the Nokia N-Gage] The Nokia N-Gage. Nokia's attempt to mix a phone with a gaming system. These days, it's common to play a game on your phone, but back then, options were... kinda limited, but Nokia was here to change that. They had a pretty impressive catalog, too. Stuff like Call of Duty, Tony Hawk's Pro Skater, and of course, Tomb Raider. Before we play the game, we have to put it in! Right? No problem, let's just pop the back off the phone, then you pull out the battery... Hmm. I hope no one tries to call me while I'm doing this.
[The scene cuts to Shit Pickle who tries to call the Nerd back at home, while the basement is occupied by Super Mecha Death Christ, the Glitch Gremlin, Charlie, and Munky Cheez.]
Shit pickle, shit pickle! Shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle!
SMSuper Mecha Death Christ
FUCKERRRRS! FUCKERRRRS!
MCMunky Cheez
MUNKY CHEEEEEEEEEEEZE!!!!!!!!!!!!
[The scene cuts back to the Nerd.]
So, we insert the SD card, pop the battery back in, put the case( of the phone) back on, and we're ready.
[after he reviews the Nokia N-Gage version of Tomb Raider] Well, it was an interesting experiment, but ultimately a failure. The (Nokia) N-Gage couldn't compete with Game Boy Advance, and eventually faded into obscurity.
[Suddenly, the ground rumbles and shakes with an explosion.]
Oh, shit!
[The golden dragon appears from nowhere as he breathes fire and lands on the ground as he roars.]
GDGolden Dragon
Leave me alone. I'm busy.
[The Nerd picks out two pistons and shoots the dragon repeatedly where he spontaneously combusts. The ground shakes again as the Nerd falls down to his death.]
[shouts] FUCK!!!
This game is kicking the PlayStation while it's already down. Mainly in the balls.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Angry Video Game Nerd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.