TV show quotes
(after the Nerd appears in the intro to the original Resident Evil)
You see that shit!? Well, I guess I gotta explain. The Umbrella Corporation, they moved in next door, set up a secret lab, and now there's monsters and stuff, and I dunno what to do! Well, I guess I'll pop in the disc, play some Resident Evil: Survivor, have a pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.
So this guy's seen hangin' from a helicopter, he falls off and the copter crashes. Then that same helicopter shits another guy out. Seriously, look at this! The helicopter's on fire, and this dude just shoots out like a turd with an explosive fart behind it!
Eight years ago, I played the first Hydlide. Since then, I've gotten a lot of requests to review the other Hydlide games. The other Hydlide games? Because the first one was so good, you've gotta have more, no, sequels to games that already sucked Donkey Kong dong, that I can't stand! I can't stand the sound of it! Hydlide! HYDLIDE! (vomits both sequels)
Imagine living in this world: you're late for work, so you skip breakfast, and then two hours later, you're in the middle of a meeting, and ya drop fuckin' DEAD in front all your coworkers! Nothin' left but a withered husk. Tragic.
[reading from Henry G. Frankfurt's On Bullshit] "It does seem fitting to construe carelessly made shoddy goods as bullshit, but in what way? Is the resemblance that bullshit, itself, is invariably produced in a careless or self-indulgent manner that is never finely crafted? The word 'shit' does suggest this. Excrement is not designed or crafted at all. It is merely emitted (or dumped)." So, while the game did not actually come out of somebody's asshole, it sure CAME OUT in the same manner!
What the shit? Where's my save file? A game didn't save? Oh, that's right, the battery must be dead. Because the Sega Saturn has those... watch batteries inside you have to replace them. Yeah, it's this battery right here: 2032. (goes to the cash register and pushes the bell repeatedly) All right, I'm done running errands. Time to run virtual errands.
Thankfully, Virtual Hydlide is over. The credits play, and ya get the List of Shame, set to some shitty stock JPEGs of the countryside. You wasted precious hours of your life, to give yourself eyestrain and motion sickness, and all you get is a fucking "Congratulations!" screen. Well, at least they spelled it right. Anyway, Virtual Hydlide is literally "Bullshit". Oh, that's right; where'd I throw the book? Ah, well... whatever. I don't have anything planned anyway, so... (scrolls up like a cel sheet, revealing a "Conglaturation!!!" message)
Commodore, once the most popular name in the home computer industry. Throughout the '80s, it held its own against industry giants and etched its place in video game history, with the VIC-20, Commodore 64, and Amiga line of computers. Though, sadly, as time went on, it went from competing with the likes of Apple and IBM... to just becoming... BM. After the video game crash of the '80s, companies emerged, like Nintendo and Sega, to pick up the pieces and resurrect the dying industry. Commodore would try to hang in there, but it ended up crumbling like week-old cat barf on a carpet. So, what went wrong? How could a company that once ruled the home computer industry be reduced to a small footnote in video game history? You wanna know the answer? [picks up the Amiga CD32] The Amiga CD32. Yeah. This thing was the straw that broke the camel's back, the shit-caked baby wipe that ruptured the septic tank. After declining sales in the late '80s and early '90s, Commodore decided to take a stab at console production. The CD32 was released in Europe and Canada in September of '93 and slated to release in the US, early the next year. But, guess what? It never happened. Commodore wasn't allowed to release it in the US, until they paid 10 million dollars in back-owed patent royalties. On top of that, the system was discontinued only eight months after being released, bankrupting the company. This console is such a joke that it ruined one of the biggest computer companies of all time in less than a year! Even if it did come out in the US, the original retail price for this monstrosity was 400 dollars, and that's in '93! Nowadays, with inflation, ballpark estimate, that equals almost 700 dollars! You could buy two PlayStation 4s for that price! What were they thinking?! Who in their right mind would buy this, when you could get a Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis for less than half the price? And, because I'm the Nerd, I'm gonna have to check out a stack of these games.
[unable to play the CD³²] What the fuck? It won't start. It won't start! Start. Start! [pushes the buttons rapidly] How do you start? Oh, that's perfect. I have to hold the disc hatch down just to get the game to spin. What, did I really expect this thing to work? I don't even want to play this piece of fuck to begin with, let alone one-handed, holding the thing down to get it to function. [picks up a paint can] There we go, the brand new CD32 add-on, a paint can. It's like the hillbilly cousin of the 32X.
[playing Dangerous Streets] Right off the bat, this is possibly the worst group of fighting game characters I've ever seen. Lookin' back at Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat, each game had a group of memorable characters, like: Ryu, Guile, Scorpion, Liu Kang! This game has Futuristic Tommy Wiseau, Asscheek Lady, Spring Shoe Guy, Fat Guy with His Pants Undone, and a Native American guy TAKIN' A SHIT! And, there's this guy who was "born in Pennsylvania"... which just confuses the shit outta me.
[playing Gloom] You collect bouncing balls for guns, and baby bottles for health! What is this, like a spoof?! Like PO'ed? Yeah, the game where you're shooting butts! But, that was done on purpose, as a parody! This one, it's just a fuckin' watered-down piece of shit Doom knockoff!
[playing Bubba 'n Stix] The gameplay is kinda like a puzzle platformer, where you have to use Stix to get past obstacles, like using him to pry this rock up, or sticking him into the wall to use as a platform. This part right here is pretty funny. You have to get close to these weird guys without interrupting their conversation, and then throw Stix, the character, at them. The graphics are really nice, too. It's cartoony and colorful, but not like the rainbow vomit from Oscar. This is actually a good game. At least, until I get to the second level and I can't figure out what to do. And, I don't have the time to figure it out, so...oh, well, I guess we gotta move on. But, I can give this one the Nerd stamp of not shit!
[receiving a call from the Nerd about a scene from the Surf Ninjas game] This is Cinemassacre Video, where selection is the name of the game. This is James speaking. How may I help you?
Yeah, okay, I just wanna ask you a quick question.
Sure thing. Go right ahead.
Have you ever watched the movie, Surf Ninjas?
Yeah. In fact, I just had a chat with a bunch of friends all about that. Did you know that the costume designer was the same in Street Fighter: The Movie? That would explain all the blue camouflage--
Okay, okay. Look-look-look-look. I just wanna ask a fucking question. In the movie, Surf Ninjas, does anybody rip someone's heart out, Kano-style?
Um... no, I don't think that happened in the movie.
[hangs up abruptly] See? I knew it.
Hello? Hello? [sighs and hangs up phone; annoyed] Wow. What an asshole.
[playing Kang Fu] I have no idea what to do here. I'm just hopping around, shooting a fucking machine gun! Why is it called Kang Fu?! If he's not doing kung-fu, then he's got a machine gun! Oh, gosh. Oh, I'd rather be playing Shaq Fu. I'd rather play U2 Fu and Robin Williams Fu. I thought I knew what bad games were. I thought I was prepared, but I was wrong. [the game over screen appears with a picture of a dead kangaroo carcass in the desert] Oh, my God. [breaks into laughter] That game over screen! That is... I thought I've seen everything. But-But they use a real ph-photo. You go from a cartoony kangaroo to a real picture of a kangaroo skeleton in the fucking desert!
One more: Zool. Well, it's basically much the same as Atari Jaguar Zool 2, which I already covered before. It's another average platformer. It's so average it doesn't even matter. I don't have anything else to say about it, so let's just pretend I said nothing. In fact, let's just forget all about the Amiga CD32, which is one of the worst consoles I've ever played in my entire life. It's the equivalent of hyena diarrhea, and you know what hyenas eat? The leftover scraps of dead animals that predators didn't want. So, imagine a hyena's decaying intestinal tract, spraying liquefied death sauce at its shit chute, and there you have the Amiga CD32. Fuck this thing, watch it go. [takes the Amiga CD32 to the trash and throws it into the garbage container] All right. Oh, that's right, I should've tossed this shit, too. [notices the warning label] Huh? "Warning: Do not play track 1 of this game CD on any audio CD player." Huh? Why not? I have to find out.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Angry Video Game Nerd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
