The Angry Video Game Nerd quotes

The Nerd

[after he beats Sonic '06] Wow! Can't say I've seen that before. Well, Sonic '06, it's all done. Just to think, all the hours spent, all that time, all that torture, and now, it's all over?

The Nerd

[exclaims] Yeah! You like th-Ah! Ah! Yeah! Give it to me! [shouting] Ah! Yeah, yeah! [exclaims] Yeah, oh you like it when I give you those bedroom eyes! [shouts] Yeah! [exclaims and shouts]

Good morning, Nerd.

The Nerd

Who said that?

Down here, Nerd.

The Nerd

The fuck is that thing?

It's me, Charlie. I've come to help you with your game decision. I've got one in mind I think you'll like.

The Nerd

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's just what I need. Thank you. Thank you very much. How about you just get the hell out of here before I smash your circuits all over the floor?

Why don't you take a look at the game first?

The Nerd

Oh yeah. Charlie's Angels: the Movie the game. I heard that one's some grade-A ass!

Indeed it is, Nerd, but you'll only find out if you play. Now play it.

The Nerd

Okay. All right, so somebody comes and makes me play a game. Freddy, Jason, Bugs Bunny, a speaker phone? I mean, this is an all-time low. We're reachin' here, and you know where. What do you think I do all day? Just sit around and play shitty games?

The Nerd

It's finally happened. For years I've been calling games ass. But here is a game that's literally ASS!

I'm really sorry, Nerd. I thought you would've loved a game that was ass.

The Nerd

And why would I love that?

Because... you're a pieceashit!

The Nerd

What? JIZZ!? 'A popular style of freeform, wailing music' Jizz! Yeah, there is 'jizz' in this book. (flips to another page) Jizz-wailer!? 'A musician who plays a fast, contemporary, and upbeat style of music.' Jizz-wailer! It's in Star Wars!

The Nerd

Let's learn some motherfucking math! On the move!

The Nerd

[on the game's oversized box] Your MOM has an oversized box!

The Nerd

LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME PLAY THE GAME!

That's right, Nerd! Don't take shit from nobody! Only give shits and while you're at it, get some clothes that fit.

Yes, it's a little on the baggy side.

The Nerd

Hey! I don't need any advice from you or the shit talking shit.

The Nerd

While the movie was Dirty Harry, the game... was just straight-up filthy.

The Nerd

(at the title screen) It opens with the classic line from Sudden Impact.

Go ahead. Make my day.

The Nerd

This game is yet another one of those "Where the fuck do I go?" kind of games. I ran around for 20 minutes like a chicken with its head cut off and barely accomplished anything.

The Nerd

I know what you're thinking, did he fire six shots or only five? Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I... kind of lost track myself. But being this is a Konami Justifier, the most powerful light gun in the world, it would blow your label clean off. You gotta ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya? Punk?

The Nerd

(meditating to ethnic music) ... Oh, hey. I've just been meditating to summon the power of the Chosen One to give me the patience and the courage... to play today's game.

The Nerd

This game is what you get if somebody ate every badass dual-pistol wielding, trench coat-wearing late '90s action movie cliché, then barfed it out, ate the barf, and then dumped their ass into a piss-and-shit-stained bus station toilet, and then they took that rancid concoction, and somehow printed Xbox discs made out of it! 99 Dragons, made out of 99 percent bullshit!

The Nerd

But ooh boy, let me tell ya, I haven't even started playing yet, so let's pick up the Duke here, this big-ass tank fuckin' controller, and let's get started. 'cuz it's gonna get fucked...

The Nerd

I understand the game was developed under a very short time, but somebody had to pop this in at least ONCE and say; "This controls like ass."

The Nerd

(on the cutscenes) Oh, and the lips barely move, so I can never tell if they're actually talking, or it's some kind of inner monologue. (As he speaks, the Nerd's mouth is intentionally out of sync with his voice, parodying this.)