[sighs in relief] Man. I gotta calm down. All right. If I'm gonna play some sports games, I gotta start with the Atari 2600. Yeah! This is when sports games were fucking sports games. Look at these titles; Baseball, Basketball, Football, not this Madden shit. Just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dime-back, Nickelback, simple, ordinary, un-embellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom BOMB, one compound word, it's motherfuckin', goddamn, sons-of-bitchin', fuck, fuck, fuckin' FOOTBALL! [growls and slams the cartridge into Atari 2600] And it's one of the worst games I've ever played in my life. Are these football players, or are they stormtroopers? Are they wearing helmets, or are these microwaves on their heads? Is it Team White vs. Team Naked? Is that a crowd noise, or is it the sounds of the ocean? Is that the entire field? Yeah, it is. And it's surrounded by... water, it looks like. Yeah, it's like an island. It's Football Island. [chuckles] In other words, Hell. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it... Yeah. yeah...! [scores a touchdown] TOUCHDOWN! [he screams hysterically and tackles the camera]
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Here's another game I've had a personal grudge with since I was a kid. Ikari Warriors on NES. Let's pop this fucker in and I'll show you how it goes. Two guys, tugging at their crotches, march up to the title, fire their guns around at nothing, and then you pick one or two players. Well, I'm not getting anybody to play this shit with me. So, I'm going solo like usual.
An average game of Ikari Warriors lasts about five minutes. But you're in luck, there's a code. A-B-B-A. It brings you back to life. [dies] Oop. I'm dead again. A-B-B-A. [dies again] ABBA. Get used to that, you're going to be doing that a lot. [dies a third time] A-B-B-A.
AVGN [commenting on the slow nature of the gameplay]: It's not horrible, it's just tedious as fuck and with one player, this is gonna take all night. I need a second player.
[The Nerd looks over to the end of the couch, behind which is the skeleton of Kyle Justin, complete with his fedora and a guitar. He nods to the camera, then gets up and walks over to the skeleton.]
A-B-B-A.
[Kyle slowly comes back to his human life form. Once he does, he sees The Nerd and groans in disgust.]
[groans] I guess somebody needs a favor.
Yeah. I need your help, to beat a game.
Let me-- let me guess. A shitty game?
Yeah, a shitty game. Ikari Warriors.
Yeah, I know that game.
Oh yeah?
Yeah, I know what you could do with that game too.
Uh huh.
Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, and you grease up the game and just shove it up your ass! I'm not helping you. Besides, you never play my theme song anymore.
Yeah, the theme song. And I thought people were getting tired of that.
You thought wrong.
Yeah, [to camera] I know. Alright, so if we do the theme song, will you play the game with me?
Fine.
Alright. Let's do this. Play the song.
[Kyle cracks his knuckles.]
Kyle Justin (playing scales on his guitar and singing): Do-mi-so-mi-do...
Play the song. [Kyle clears his throat] Play the fucking song! [Kyle moistens his lips while getting spittle on the Nerd, then sings the theme song as the Nerd pantomimes frustration]
Okay, Ikari Warriors. You know what "Ikari" means?
What?
Anger.
Do you know what "Warrior" means?
"Warrior"? No.
Brave soldier or fighter?
Brave soldier or fighter.
So who is this guy? Rambo?
Well, if that's Rambo, who's the other guy?
Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Which movie?
Commando.
That'd be a fucking awesome movie! John Matrix and John Rambo, together at last! Of course it'd be "Rambo and Commando'". Say that three times fast.
Rambo Commando Rambo Commando Rambo Commando!
(Just after entering Level 2, The Nerd and Kyle come up to a point where Kyle's character has become stuck inside a rock.)
You're not stuck. Stop fooling around. Get outta there.
I'm trying!
...you're really stuck. (Begins lobbing grenades toward the rock)
Just kill me.
I'm...I'm trying!
No, kill me for real.
Wait, wait, just wait for one of these missiles to come. (The enemy missile hits the rock and obliterates Kyle's character.) Alright. We're back in business now. (The Nerd then sees what happens next and gets a look of shock on his face; Kyle's character still cannot move) Oh, shit, you respawned inside another rock!
I've had it with this fucking game! I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out!
(He picks up a Zapper, puts it to his head, and pulls the trigger. He flashes on screen four times, then disappears.)
(turns to where Kyle was sitting) A-B-B-A!
(This time, Kyle comes back to life with part of his body stuck behind the couch.)
Aw fuck!
You're right. Having two players doesn't help much.
Get me outta this couch, you damn Nintendo dork!
Yeah, made it to Level 3. And finally it looks different! But the music's still the same. Anyway, it looks so different it's like you stepped out of the jungle and into The Twilight Zone. Look at all the white chocolate bars and scrotum guns.
[singing] White chocolate bars and scrotum guns. [stops singing] Wait, I don't remember the episode with the scrotum guns, but the one with the gremlin on the wing was pretty good.
[singing] It's the game of life.
A, B, B, A.
It will bring you back today if you want it to.
[The Nerd has died again and is frantically trying to punch the code in.]
A-B-B-A! A-B-B-A! Fuck!
[singing] It will save you today...
It didn't save me now!
[singing] and bring you back to life...
Apparently near the end of Level 3, A-B-B-A stops working.
...didn't save him today...
Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. First, we're gonna use Game Genie to get infinite lives. [puts the NES Game Genie with the cartridge attached into the Nintoaster] Then we're gonna use a stage select code; that way we can go back to Level 3 and continue our fucking game. You can find the code in the classic book How to Win at Nintendo. Nowcheck out this code: "right before the title screen, press: up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A ,B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B, select." [pauses incredulously] WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?! Why's the code have to be so fucking long? And according to this you have to punch in the code before the titlescreen comes up!
(after he tries to enter the code) So, I'm faster than greased lightning now. I can pull off the whole code before the title screen comes up, but turns out the book was wrong. To really find how to do the code you check out the VHS tape, "Secret Video Game Tricks, Codes, and Strategies". Yeah, I used to rent this fucker from the video store all the time. But anyway, the real way to do the code is during the title screen, not before it. Let's try again. (enters the code during the title screen)
(singing) Up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A, B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B and start.
So here we are, back in level 3.
Anyway, the last stage is as hard as fuck. I hate these guys that swim under water. You cant shoot them when they're submerged, and they're too fast to outrun. What are these, human beings or fucking torpedoes?
(singing) Throw milk at them, just try it, might work.
Now let's see how bad this ending sucks.
[singing to the tune of the AVGN theme song]
You have accomplished
the mission.
You are the very prevailer
that protect right
and justice.
I would express my sincere.
Thanks to you.
Take good rest!
General Kawasaki
Get back behind the couch.
[still singing] He's the Angry Video Game Nerd.
Kyle Justin's "Scrotum Guns" song, version 1
We might be past the scrotum guns
But I haven't forgot them
'Cause they are so hairless
Where did their hair go?
Ooh, where did their hair go?
Where did their hair gooo?
Where did their hair go?
Why's there always gotta be bats?!
Bats, th-these aren't bats, Nerd, these are cats with wings! When-when I was a teenager at Tijuana, I-I had some pussy with wings. [AVGN smiles and snickers before covering his face with his hands] And-and-and th-that's what it's all about, man! [AVGN laughs offscreen]
Yeah. How do you like this? World 2-4, World 2-5, and we're still going. And it's a portable console! You can beat Super Mario Land at a time--
[Interrupts the Nerd] Wh-What are you talking about?! You want something to, uh, take a long time to beat?! Would take me a long time to beat off to Justin Beiber, man! And uh...
[nods in agreement] Takes a long time.
Long! My penis is pretty damn long right now! [AVGN snickers offscreen] And I'm... I'm not even flaccid.
Look at all the "Z"s on the fence. That's exactly how I feel when I play this game. [Lloyd Kaufman yawns as he falls asleep with the controller in his mouth] ...Like going to sleep. [AVGN glances at him and nods] Alright, alright, okay, okay, okay, okay!
[suddenly wakes up and hallucinates] Ah, where am I?! [whimpers as he twiddles with the SNES controller]
Alright.
Well, as you can see, you can tell it's another beat 'em up game. So what do you think of that chopper? Why's it have so many colors?
Well, uh, the chopper is made out of a tie, man. And it's tie dye. That's why it is those many colors. [AVGN shakes his head before he and Lloyd Kaufman struggle over the controller] Give me that! Give me that! I want that!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Angry Video Game Nerd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.