And... that's it? Did anything else happen? Did the angel say anything? Did the sight of the angel make Joseph sick in his stomach? Did the donkey stalk them in their sleep? What happened? I assumed that I pressed the button by mistake and actually cancelled out the rest of the ending, but no, I've actually beaten the game multiple times just to try and solve this mystery and the same thing happens! It just stays on this screen until you press something, and then it returns you to the main menu. But I'm aware that the last screen is supposed to be playing text that says "Give your heart to Jesus," but I'm not seeing it so I'm assuming that I'm supposed to beat all 3 games to see the true ending, and I'm not going through all that trouble, although I will give my heart to Jesus. (The Nerd physically rips out his heart and holds it out.) OH JESUS!
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I'm back. And so is Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Expendables 2 I can't wait to see that! In the 80's and 90's, nobody kicked as much ass and coined as many catchphrases as he did. And now that he's comin' back to do a little more acting, I think it's an appropriate time... to look at some NES games based on his movies. NES, a console so influential in the side-scrolling action genre. Now pair that with one of the biggest action movie stars, and... you have a match made in heaven. How could you go wrong? (nervously gives a dorky smile) Uh, I don't know. (Chuckles) Uh, Take this game for example: Total Recall. I remember my first time playing it as a kid. It was a Friday night, my homework was all done, my mom took me to the video store, I rented this game, I took it home, man, I played it, and it just FUCKIN' PISSED ME OFF, AND RUINED MY WHOLE GOD DAMN WEEKEND!!!
I've already talked about the Terminator games and they suffered the same fate. The first Terminator had some of the worst controls in existence. The only way to fire the gun is to crouch into this gun mode and jumping around requires extreme accuracy. The second game was a monotonous button masher where enemies take a thousand punches. And there were platforms you can't jump on, like some kind of prank!
[playing "Last Action Hero" on NES] It uses cutscenes with images taken from the movie, but they look like garbage. The contrast is so intense you can't even tell what you're looking at. What is this? A dead fish? A porcupine's back? Oh, it's the top of some guy's head. Damn, it looks like the NES just vomited all over your TV screen. How does it look this bad? I know this is only 8-bit, but I've seen much better. Even with Total Recall! Arnold's face on the title screen actually looks like him. Hell, even the E.T. game on Atari 2600 actually looks like E.T. On the title screen at least, but, God, [stutters] I can't talk about that game.
[after playing "Conan" on NES] Who'd wanna play it anyway? I'd rather have a Sasquatch sit its ass on my face and shoot diarrhea down my throat! I'm dead fucking serious. What a shitload of fuck. What were they thinking? [he drinks Rolling Rock] And you know what the worst part about it is? I don't think it's really supposed to be based off the Conan the Barbarian movie. Just the character. So it's not really a Schwarzenegger game, and I just wasted my fucking time.
All right, one last game, one last chance for the Schwarzenegger NES library to redeem itself: Predator. How could this be bad? It's fucking Predator. You look at the cover and think "Yeah! This game's gonna be awesome!" This is a real man's game. This game will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur. Like me. [puts the game in the Nintoaster as the screen shows the game that Arnold wears pink] Is he wearing pink? Why'd they put him in pink? Did they see the movie? He doesn't wear pink in the movie. That's not an appropriate army color. I don't know. Maybe he's in pink to stand out from the dull graphics. The graphics are as ugly and dirty as this game's mom. This game sucks so bad the enemy soldiers commit suicide. In addition to the enemy soldiers, you must also face scorpions which you can stand on and they take you for a ride. But only the green scorpions. What, you thought you could ride on a red scorpion? What are you, crazy?
This is another one of those games where the music doesn't stop when you pause. Even worse, if you press any button while paused other than "Start", you will self-destruct. This can be handy, if you find yourself stuck somewhere, due to faulty game design. Like, here. I'm stuck in the damn rocks. So, rather than working out the bugs, they decided to include a suicide button. This is dangerous, because whenever the game's paused, you have to be careful not to hit the wrong button. Don't pause it, and then, pass it to your buddy whose thumb accidentally touches the "A" or "B" button, and kills off your last life fast than you can say "Oops!". Another major inconvenience is that every time you die, you have to make sure to pick "Continue". If you pick "Start", your game is forever lost, and you have to go all the way back to the beginning. And sooner or later, when you keep playing this long enough...you're gonna make a mistake. It doesn't help that they put the cursor on "Start" by default. And you can't select by pressing the D-Pad. You have to use the "Select" button, which is right next to the "Start" button, increasing your risk of fucking it up. That is some sadistic bullshit.
This game blows ass, sucks duck cunt, fucking shit munchin' bunch of pile of... poop.
[gets killed] Fuck! All right, c'mon. C'mon, c'mon c'mon. [he accidentally selects "Start" instead of "Continue", and is shocked] Oops. I hit Start? I hit Start... I gotta go all the way back to the beginning. [The Nerd shakes his controller and screams in rage] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-- SHIIIIIIIIIIT!! [chokes himself with the controller] FUUUUUUCK!! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!! AAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS! YOUR MOTHER! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! [drinks Rolling Rock] That's it. I'm seein' red. I'm gonna beat this fucker right now!
Oh, my God, I'm so fuckin' mad I could take a chainsaw to a fuckin' baby's neck right now! I could kick a baby pony! Out of my way, I'm gonna fuck you up. Fuckin' game, I'm gonna fuckin' kill it! [grunts] Your mother! Your father! Your uncle! Your uncle! [growls] Yeah! Yeah, I'm at the final boss! And-- And it's a... big Predator head that looks like Casey Jones from the Ninja Turtles.
C'mon, fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fuck-- shit! [grunts] Shoot the bastard, come on! You stop shootin' that shit at me, I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! See, I'm not playin' around. I'm not FUCKIN' AROUND HERE! [growls] I'M NOT...FUCKIN' AROUND!
[eventually defeats the first phase of the boss]
Ooh, the mask is off now. Now it's serious. Now it's fuckin'... [grunts] ...fuckin' fuck time! Oh, my God, I gotta fuckin' win before I have a heart attack!
[defeats the boss]
[shocked and happy] I did it! I did it, I won! I beat Predator! Oh, man. Ooh, boy. [exhales and reads text] "Congratulations. You have survived." [deep sigh] Barely! [throws the NES controller.]
Happy Halloween. And guess what I have here? I was doing an autograph signing not too long ago, and one of my fans hands me this piece of paper. It's a petition to review Ghosts 'n Goblins. Yeah, he went through the line and got everybody to sign it. Now, what's there to say about Ghosts 'n Goblins? Well, it's not a bad game. It's made by Capcom so how could it? But, it's one of the most difficult games in the NES library. This game is harder than fossilized triceratops turds! I'm talking Mega Man combined with Castlevania, that kind of hard. Games this ruthless and unforgiving should be illegal. And I never got a petition to review any other game. That's a true testament to the game's legacy and the internal frustration that scarred us all since childhood. I remember my first time playing it: I got it for my birthday, the same day I got my NES.
You wanna play Ghosts 'n Goblins?
Yeah, I do!
Look!
I do!
Of course I had the Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt combo cartridge, but the first game I attempted was Ghosts 'n Goblins. That's right, this is the first NES game I ever played. And that's one Fuck of a game to start with.
Go on, shoot 'em, shoot 'em!
I don't know how!
Naturally, I got my ass kicked. This is what it would've looked like my first time playin' the game. I sucked balls. This new console was way different than the Atari 2600 I was accustomed to. In the 80's, these were the kind of brutal-ass games that kicked us into shape and heightened our senses. Made us into fuckin' tigers. And now, 25 years later, I'm gonna put my gaming skills to the ultimate test, and see if I can finally beat this fucker. Because, it's Halloween. There's no excuse. I can feel in the air. The time is right to play some Ghosts 'n Goblins.
[The Nerd inserts the game and thunder claps and lightning flashes]
It begins with one of the most shocking intros in video game history: A couple just got done having sex in a cemetery. I'm not even kidding! What else does it look like? He's not even wearing clothes! Next thing, Satan shows up as if saying "Yeah, I want to get in on some of that!" and takes her away. That's the plot. Is that the greatest opening to an NES game or what?
Most of the video games I talk about are... action games, sidescrollers, games that are in the realms of fantasy. But, there's a huge, huge following for games based on sports. And I get a lot of requests for that, and I'm not really a big fan. Because, I don't know, I-I guess I like fantasy games more because it's something that you couldn't do in real life, whereas a sports game you could go outside and play sports. It's possible. Not for me, 'cause, I don't know anything about sports; I'm a fuckin' nerd.
Football; Don't even get me started. And I'm not talking about the kind of football where they actually use their foot. I mean the kind where they slam into each other, like a bunch of barbarians! [he pounds his fist into his hand as he grunts] What I don't understand is why everything is always "bowl". What, like a toilet bowl? Okay, I know at least what the Super Bowl is. It's the most anticipated football game in the season. And with so much testosterone and high energy going around, why is the halftime show always some pussy pop group? GET METALLICA IN THERE OR SOMETHING, it doesn't make any sense!
Alright. Back to football video games. Madden, Madden, Madden. Madden '91! Madden '92, Madden '93, Madden '94, Madden '95, Madden '96, Madden '97, Madden '98, Madden '99, Madden 2000, Madden 2001, Madden 2002, Madden 2003-- Who the fuck is John Madden anyway?! He doesn't even look like an athlete! What is it with football? Everywhere you go, football! Go there, football! Football, football, football. Like, what the fuck? Sunday Football, Monday Night Football, Thursday Night Football, Football on Thanksgiving, Football on Christmas, and out of all sports, it's the one everyone goes fuckin' ape-shit over! Makes them act like fuckin' maniacs! [screams and crushes Rolling Rock can with his head]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Angry Video Game Nerd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.