Fuck! Shit! Get up there! This is fuckin' BULLSHIT! You'd think to shoot up you just press up, but no, it jumps! Sometimes I get it to work by pure luck until I found out that, okay, this is how it works: To shoot up, you press select and up in a very specific way. You have to press select slightly before you press jump. If you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air. But if you press them both at the same time, you just jump! THAT'S A GOOD REASON WHY THE JUMP BUTTON SHOULD NOT BE UP!! WHY CAN'T IT BE ONE OF THE FUCKIN' BUTTONS?! HAVIN' THE FUCKIN' UP BUTTON JUMP IS FUCKIN' FUCKED UP!!! If this [up on the d-pad] aimed your grappling hook and THIS [B button] jumped, THEN IT WOULD BE FINE! BUT, NO! THEY GOTTA BE THE SAME BUTTON!
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Everything's so dark, you can never tell where there's a door. Then you walk back and look for one of those spots where you can use your grappling dick. [Batman manages to jump onto his grappling hook] See? Right there. That was just a lucky guess.
Another problem is the fuckin' foreground keeps blocking me. It's like, "GET THAT SHIT OUT OF THE WAY! I CAN'T SEE WHAT I'M DOIN'!" I'd rather have a diarrhea dog take LAVA DUMP all over the screen!
And just when you thought you had the controls all figured out, you come to this part where you need to jump down. You'd expect to be able to just simply push Down, maybe in combination with the jump button. But, oh, that's right, there is no fuckin' jump button. It's Up. That would be pretty impressive, to be able to press Down and Up at the same time. Well, anyway, you try every combination imaginable, and guess what? It's Down and R! YEAH, R! That's not even one of the main buttons! WHY R?! And again, the R button has to be tapped slightly before you press Down.
And sometimes there isn't even a hole to tell you where you're able to do that! WHY IS EVERYTHING SO CRYPTIC?!
[the Batnerd is in shock over the bad controls of the game]
WH- THIS IS FUCKED BEYOND BELIEF!!! It's like, the controls in this game are like something you do for a cheat code, not a basic move that you HAVE TO DO in order to play the game! Why'd they program it in such an asinine, ball-brained, cockamamie, RIDICULOUS FASHION?! It's like, geez, there's four buttons right in the front of the controller! LIKE, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TO WORK WITH?! Instead, they have to, like, program it, like, all into, like, weird, kinda, crazy button combinations and shit?! It's like, what were they thinking?! It's like, up is jump?! Select for the grappling hook?! Select shouldn't even be part of the game, select should be like for the menus, or something. I mean, jeez, like, were they tryin' to just ruin this game? Just flat out, just fuck it up?! Well, they did. Batman Forever, it sucked back then, and it sucks forever!
[Batman voice] I'm Batmaaaaan. [throws "Batman Forever" to the floor]
[Batman voice] That's it. That's all the shitty Batman games I can take. The review's over.
[Joker laughs insanely in the background and appears from behind the couch]
Batman! Batman! You wanna play a really shitty Nintendo game, Batman? Well, how 'bout, Return of the Joker on the Nintendo Entertainment System, Batman?
[normal voice] Yeah, but I'm not really Batman, though.
You're not Batman?! Batman, you're Batman, I'm Batman! [laughs insanely] Come on, Batman, let's play! Come o- [Batnerd punches him in the face and picks him up]
I'm not playin' anymore shitty Batman games!
[chortles] Yes, you are! [water squirts out of the Joker's flower into the Batnerd's face] [laughs insanely] Ooh, Batman, let me give you a hand! [The Batnerd grabs the Joker's hand, and gets electrocuted by a joy buzzer while the Joker laughs and puts "Return of the Joker" into the NES Top Loader and the caption "TO BE CONTINUED..." appears on the screen]
[narrating] Will the Batnerd escape the Joker? What bad games does he have up his sleeve? Tune in next episode, same bat time, same bat channel!
Look at this pandemonium! There's a fucking ceiling waiting to come down and kill me, there's a guy throwing an oil drum, if I try to get out of the way I get hit by these rotating blades and shit. I take the guy down, and then I try to set off the ceiling trap, and... I'm dead.
[Joker laughs crazily at Batnerd's misfortune]
Shut up!
[briefly angry] Fuck you, motherfucker! [laughs resumes laughing]
[playing "Batman: Return of the Joker" on Game Boy] The controls are like trying to get a horse to wipe its ass on an eagle.
I swear that these games were programmed by the Joker.
[playing Batman: Revenge of the Joker on Sega Genesis] What's with the gargoyle statues? You shoot them and get nothing. What's the point? And why does it hurt you to touch them? BATMAN CAN'T EVEN TOUCH A FUCKING STATUE?!
OKAY, SO WHAT'S WITH THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT?! What, do they just die whenever they feel like it? Like is it a glitch, or is it some obscure trick that I don't know about? It's just the first level of the game! AGAIN! THE FIRST FUCKING LEVEL, AND I CAN'T GO ANY FURTHER! I've had enough of this catastrophe!
[after subduing the Joker] I'm gonna shove these fucking games up your ass! Batman: Revenge of the Joker! [Joker screams] Batman: Return of the Joker! [Joker screams] Batman Forever! [Joker screams] Batman: Return of the Joker on Game Boy! [Joker screams again] And last but not least, Batman on Commodore 64! [Joker screams]
This is a very special episode because I'm not gonna review the game, the fans are. Yeah. For the first time I asked the fans to recount their experiences with the game and send them to a specified email address. And as a result, this one inbox got over 6,000 messages. So, if you're one of the lucky ones, then I hope you enjoy hearing your words coming out of my mouth. But regardless, thanks for the submissions, thanks for supporting the show, this one's my little reward, to you. Enjoy.
Oh, this must be why the attack is so slow: Our hero must pass the blades out of his cock! Hell, if broadswords shooting out of my cock was my only defense against purple inchworms & bats, I’d probably let them kill me.
Even the manual says, "You have no confidence in this sword." What the fuck kind of advice is that? That's like saying "Buddy, if you play this game, YOU'RE GONNA GET FUCKED UP THE ASSHOLE WITH A PORCUPINE!! GOOD FUCKIN' LUCK, DOUCHEBAG!"
You get an inventory screen. It's empty right now, but it seems pretty standard. It tells you your life and everything. It also has this thing called 'ludder'. Yeah, it says you have 50 ludder. I can only assume that that's currency, so I Googled it to check what it meant and according to an Urban Dictionary, 'ludder' means 'cheap-ass hoe'! So, therefore we're already starting out with 50 cheap-ass hoes, so we're doing alright for ourselves. I wonder what the exchange rate is for the expensive whores?
Oh, and the music. The bubbly sound of ripping ass isn't even an adequate way to describe the music in this game!
When they named this game Deadly Towers, they weren't kidding. The last time I saw towers this deadly was when they decided the horses need more fiber in their diets! This game is so fuckin' hard, it's easier to lift an elephant with my ass while singing Old MacDonald! This game is equal to that of liquid ass butter! Stay away from this horrible piece of shit-encrusted fuck! I'd rather suck farts out of a dog's ass! Das Spiel ist Scheiße! Dieses Spiel fickt dich härter als das Leben! (Translation: The game is shit! This game fucks you harder than life!) Well, I gave that a try. Anyway, this game isn't just your average turd. It's the kind of rancid, putrid, disgusting turd that sits in the bathroom truck stop for 20 something years until even the flies won't go near it. It's games like this that made me regret ever picking up an NES controller. This game is like a never-ending turd that bends around and goes into your mouth, thus creating an endless cycle of eating your own shit whilst taking a crap and occasionally puking up the same for all eternity! This is so bad, Satan wouldn't even accept it if you offered it with your soul! I'd rather suck the dried shit out of Chewbacca's ass fur! Fuck this game! No, better yet, don't fuck this game! Don't let your friends fuck it! It's unfuckworthy! This game is just an orgy of ass! This game is a chicken-lickin', finger-fuckin', son of a bitch! This game is ball cider! The Assholians bow down to this piece of shit! In other words, the game sucks.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Angry Video Game Nerd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.