The Angry Video Game Nerd quotes

The Nerd

Battletoads on Nintendo. Now, don't worry, it's a good game. It's actually one of the most memorable games in the NES library. But when it first came out, a lot of people were thinkin', "What is this, a cheap Ninja Turtles knockoff, or somethin'?" But, uh, it was actually pretty good-- [he turns to his right and notices Kyle] Who the fuck are you?

I'm your guitar guy. [the Nerd doesn't get it.] I sing your theme song... from... behind the couch.

The Nerd

Well then, go back behind the damn COUCH! Geez!

You know, that's not the welcome I really expected.

The Nerd

Well, look, you can't just sit here while I do the review.

[stutters] Why can't I do the review with you?

The Nerd

Oh, uh-- because that's not how it WORKS! It's, like, I play the game, and you-- Get your ass back behind the FUCKIN' COUCH!!

[angrily; while fighting back his tears] I don't ever get to do anything; you don't even use my song that much anymore.

The Nerd

Why are you always behind my damn couch anyway?!

There are no other couches to go behind!

The Nerd

The intro shows 3 toads: Rash, Pimple, & Zitz. Why such disgusting names? How about Herpes, Genital Warts, & Gonorrhea?

The Nerd

What? You gotta be fuckin' kidding me. YOU died, but we both have to restart the level!

Sorry.

[singing] He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard...

The Nerd

YOU BET YOUR ASS!!!

The Nerd

Remember when everybody was talkin' about Dick Tracy? 1990, the Warren Beatty film comes out. Everybody went from "Who's Dick Tracy?" to "WHOA, Dick Tracy's the SHIT!" It was like a contemporary film noir; stylish with colorful comic book-style visuals and an all-star cast: Al Pacino, Dustin Hoffman, fuckin' Madonna, but it was kinda over-the-top and silly.

You dumb Dick.

The Nerd

It was all right, but its popularity was short-lived. I think it was just an excuse for the kids to say "Dick".

I guess that's the end of Dick.

Yeah. 30 seconds, no more Dick! 30 seconds, no more Dick!

Dumb Dick.

The Nerd

You know, Dick Van Dyke is in the movie. [turns to the camera] You think that's enough Dicks? [holds up the "Dick Tracy" VHS to the camera] Like, seriously, when this movie came out, I never said "Dick" so much before in my life. Every kid on the block was runnin' around sayin' "Dick Tracy", "Dick Tracy", "Dick this" and "Dick that"! My dad said, "Can't you just call him Richard Tracy?" And I was like, "You know... how is 'Dick' short for 'Richard'?" That doesn't even make any sense. It's like Bill and William, or Jim and James. But at least Bill and Will rhyme, and Jim and James both start with a J. But Richard and Dick? Like, nobody ever says "Dickard".

The Nerd

So you get to 5th & B, you go inside, and then the game goes to a side-scroller mode. [Zooms in on Dick Tracy's in-game sprite] What the hell's wrong with Dickard? He looks like he's got a bad suntan.

The Nerd

So I go straight over to 8th & J, and it's swarming with bad guys. Even going into this place with full health, it's hard to survive to the end. It's hard as Dick.

The Nerd

So, I get to Numbers, I arrest him, and then...I need more evidence?

The Nerd

[voice cracks] You gotta be fuckin' kidding me! That's ridiculous! Like, what?! Like, you have to travel all around and go to five different buildings, four to get the clues, and then the last one to arrest Numbers! All without dying once! THAT'S WHORESHIT! ​And I didn't say "horseshit," I said "whoreshit". LIKE A WHORE TAKIN' A SHIT! [drinks some Rolling Rock] You know, remember when you were a little kid, it was fuckin' Friday, you did all your homework, and you rented a game from the local video store. And this was it, this was your whole weekend; this one game. You didn't have anything else to do, so you had no choice, but to keep playing THAT FIRST PART OF THE GAME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! AND IT'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?" IT'S LIKE, "I WANNA SEE THE REST OF THE GAME, YOU CAN'T JUST LET THE GAME FUCKIN' WIN LIKE THAT!" So, THAT'S why you don't give up.

The Nerd

It begs the question: "Are there any health power-ups?" And to tell you the truth, I've heard that there is. But I haven't found any, not one. I actually found a heart, yeah, a fuckin' heart, but it did absolutely nothing at all. Yeah, a fuckin' heart that did fuckin' nothing! So, where the power-ups are, I have no idea, but they're probably not in any of the main buildings. They're probably in some obscure building that you wouldn't think to go in anyway, and the roof is probably covered with snipers, which defeats the whole purpose of going there.

The Nerd

I have another update: I've been informed countless times that the hearts are the power-ups. So, if the hearts are the power-ups, why don't they do anything? Well, here's how it works. You have to select the fuckin' thing. It's called a First Aid Kit. And then you use it by pressing B, right? No, it still doesn't do jack-shit. You have to hold down Select and press B at the same time. But that doesn't work either, because as soon as you press Select, it goes to the next item. The trick is that you have to select the item that comes before the First Aid, and then hold down Select, so now the First Aid should be selected, while you're still holding Select. Then you press B, and there you go! How the fuck was I supposed to know that?! Why couldn't you just push B like all the other items? 'What kind of stupid fuckin' dick-brained idiot programmed it like that?!

The Nerd

THIS IS THE REASON WHY GAME GENIE WAS INVENTED! I'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME FOR ALMOST 20 FUCKIN' YEARS, AND I STILL CAN'T GET PAST THE FIRST STAGE! So why am I still trying? I don't know, I'm just a sucker for Dick Tracy. "Sucker for Dick", that didn't sound good. I'm gonna tell you right now that anybody would have given up on this game had it not been for the name. They made one of the most frustrating games of all time, they took the name "Dick Tracy", and slapped it on the cover just like slapping their own greedy dick! Well, if this game is dick, then we were the balls.

The Nerd

And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance, because I KINDA LIKED the idea of finding clues, and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective. But, ONE guy?! No continues?! Like, seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues. WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?!? WHYYYYYYY?!?! AAAAGH!

The Nerd

[bellowing] FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCKING-FUCKING-FUCK! FUCKING-FUCK! FUUUUUCK! [The Nerd finishes his Rolling Rock, grabs a drill and drills through the game as the cartridge spins uncontrollably, then the screen quickly cuts black as the Nerd smashes the game with a hammer.]

(Playing The Count on the Commodore VIC-20, the Nerd types in "Eat pillow" when the game text asks him what he wants to do. The game responds "Yuck!") Okay, so I ate the pillow? I didn't expect that. "Get up." (Game responds "I'm in a bedroom. Closed window. Brass Bed. North.") Uhhh...okay. "Go north." (Game responds "OK. What shall I do now?") Okay, so I went north? What did that do? "Go east." (Game responds "OK. What shall I do now?") "Go east again." (Game responds "Use 1 or 2 words only!") Oh okay. I'll give you two words! "Fuck you!" (Game responds "Don't know how to "FUCK" something." The Nerd looks on in shock, and does a facepalm)

(Playing the unreleased Drac's Night Out on NES, which features Reebok Pumps as a power-up) Your only real power-ups are the Reebok Pumps. They let you run faster and jump higher. You really need to get these shoes, because without them, you get your ass handed to you. That's what I call a powerup, and that's what I call a promotion. Reebok Pumps! You ain't shit without it! Pump it up and air it out!

Even though it pisses me off, I can't really complain because this game was never released. It's like somebody took a fuck and buried it and then someone else decided to dig it up. It's like "What do you expect?"

(Upon finding the name of television producer Fred Fuchs in the credits for Bram Stoker's Dracula on SNES) Wait, who's this? Fred Fudge - Fred Fucks?! FRED FUCKS?! Fred Fucks! Oh my God, "Fred Fucks"! Ohh, my God, it's Fred Fucks! (Laughs awkwardly) Fred Fucks.

(Playing Bram Stoker's Dracula on Sega CD) I actually did manage to get to Dracula, at least in his first form, and he looks just as laughable as he did in the movie. But the most ridiculous part is when you die.

(Screams)

(Mimics scream) What the hell, is that clip even from the movie? I don't know, maybe it's from Bill & Ted.

(Screams)