The Angry Video Game Nerd quotes

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a shitty game! Superman for the Atari 2600. I'm playing it on the 7800 just for variety. But anyway, what could be said about Superman? He's one of the most famous superheros of all time. Even the word "super" is in his name. A word that implies excellence, outstanding quality and brilliant divine maginificence! (Gameplay of the Atari 2600 game is shown) Yeah, this sucks.

(reviewing Superman on Atari 2600) The whole game is based around the clock - it's all about getting the fastest time, but the only thing that'll eventually happenis you'll throw the game out the window faster than a speeding bullet!

(reviewing Superman on NES) You have a map screen which seems like it should be self-explanatory enough, but there's times when you have to use a subway train. "Oops! You can't ride the subway with no pass!" What, are you kidding me? He's Superman! He needs to buy a fuckin' ticket?!

There's no reason to talk to anybody in this game. It's like in Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. The whole game is full of people who tell you things that don't make any sense or have any relevance with the game. For example, this old woman tells you not to "look into the Death Star, or you will die". Well, the Death Star is nowhere in the game. Both of these games were released in 1988. Now that must have been the year of people talking and not making sense in video games. (talks to an NPC in Superman) "Haven't you seen the movie, Superman?" Yeah, I did, actually! It's nothing like this garbage!

(discussing the stage intermission screen resembling a Daily Planet newspaper) What? "Daily Planets"? Isn't it just the Daily Planet? I don't know, I've had enough of this. Wait a minute. "Stock Market Panic! Stock prices fall!"? What, are we talking about stocks now? "Find out why stock prices have fallen". "You'll learn about stocks at the stock market." Okay, that's the goal here? To go to the stock market? Oh my god. Do you remember being a kid? Do you remember playing Nintendo? What kind of things were you interested in? Comic books? Video games? Uhhm... the stock market? Yeah, do you think any kid playing this game gives a shit about the fucking stock market?! Just, just, w-wh-why? W-wh-why make a game that has anything to do with stocks or taxes or politics? You just don't do that! It's like "What were they thinking!?" Stocks?! I just can't... I just... puh-(raspberry). Augh, God. I just... what a shitload of fuck. That's enough for me. This game is just so awful that it can't be explained. I can review it for another hour and it won't make a difference. It's an unreviewable game. Can not be done justice! If you want to play it and see for yourself, I dare you. But just one warning: You will not be happy. Oh wait, this guy here just gave me a password? What's that for? Like if I want to continue here where I left off? Well, that's completely useless. There's no way I would ever need this password and you wanna know why? Because I'm never fucking playing this game again in my life! (Tosses the game out the window)

That's it. Superman is doomed. What is it about Superman that just spells shit? It's like they couldn't make a good Superman game. But there's one in particular that everybody wants me to review. So here's a typical MySpace message. "and that game is... -drum roll- -dramatic silence- superman 64" "you should do a review on e.t. or superman64" "I have a special demand no, a BIG DEMAND. Do you think you can play more than four minutes of one of the worst N64 games ever? calling: SUPERMAN!" "I'd love to see you review "Superman" on the N64." "Could you review Superman for the Nintendo 64?" "dude u should comment on superman 64" "Ever heard of Superman 64..." "you should review...(gulps)..Superman 64" "I really think you should consider either ET for the Atari or superman 64..." "play or make a video of Superman 64" "Can u do a review of Superman 64 on AVGN? So plz do a review of superman 64." "That's Right; SUPERMAN 64." "Do you need a copy of Superman 64?" "I'll donate Superman 64" "I think he should do Superman 64." "wanted to know if you ever played superman 64" "Superman for the N64" "superman on the N64." "Superman 64," "superman 64," "Superman 64," "Superman 64," "SUPERMAN64," "Superman 64," "Superman 64" "superman 64." "superman64" "superman 64"! [shocked] Well, damn. Well, you want it? You got it. Next review is gonna be... Superman 64.

Okay, the wait is finally over. This is the review that everybody wants to see. Here it is, Superman... on Commodore 64.

Remember those early CD based consoles like the PlayStation and you'd always have to wait for everything to load? Well, it's nothing like that; this thing actually takes 2 minutes and 7 seconds. Yeah, I timed it. Then the title screen starts up with the music, and you're like, "WOW!" But wait, what the hell's this? Type in the character that appears in "column: 09 row:10"? Oh, come on! I gotta get the code card. Yeah, the code card. Match up the damn numbers and there you go, it's 5. 'WHY DO I GOTTA DO THAT!? So you pick your difficulty, and guess what? It's gotta load again! Fifty-four seconds this time. Not long, but seems like an eternity. So anyway, you get this comic book storyline thing, and then- [the "NOW LOADING" screen appears yet again] You son-of-a-bitch! Probably two weeks later when you finally start playing the game, you'll be surprised that the graphics are quite decent and the gameplay is self-explanatory. You just fly around and shoot stuff. You don't have to be Clark Kent and find subway passes or any bullshit like that, so it's actually better than the Nintendo version. But that's not sayin' much. That's like sayin' the shit that I took last night was better than the shit I took the day before.

[holds up Superman 64 cartridge] Aw, come on, you really wanna make me play this? Well, I'm gonna do it just for you, 'cause I like ya a lot. Now don't take that too serious.

First, you're greeted by a smiling cartoon fox. "Tittus"? What the fuck is that?

Looks like Superman's strokin' his super dick.

(after finishing the car-carrying stage 4) So I get to the goal, and guess what's next? Seriously, I want you to just take a guess what comes after this. More rings. Yeah. What kind of game is this!? Is this some sort of insanity test?! Well, I'm done. I'm sorry, but that's all I can do. This game doesn't even qualify as shit! It's like the equivalent of shit takin' a shit! This is unspeakably, shockingly bad. It's sickeningly loathsome! It's a fuckin' suffering to the mind! It's a bunch of fuck and it doesn't belong on this planet! Somebody's gotta take care of it! This is a job for the fuckin' Nerd! [a rock version of Superman Theme plays as the Nerd unbuttons his shirt to reveal a blue Superman shirt. Flies up to the sun and tosses the game into it.]

The Nerd

[dressed up as Batman] All right, [takes off his glasses] let's dig into a big pile of bat shit. As you can see, I'm all ready, because, [puts on Bat-Mask] in order to play bad Batman games. and do 'em justice... [puts glasses back on and becomes Batnerd] [Batman voice] ...you gotta be Batman.

Let's start with Batman: The Caped Crusader for the Commodore 64. This game came out a year before the Tim Burton movie, which makes it the only game on our list that's not movie-licensed.

You get a choice to fight against the Penguin or the Joker, but both games seem to be identical. I never really got far enough to find out. Every time you exit a screen, another panel pops up. I guess they were tryin' to make it look like a comic book, but it's just awkward.

The first enemies you encounter are what I think are toy airplanes and gargoyles, or bats, which take shits on ya. Yeah, if you look close enough, you can see the little shit bombs droppin' outta their asses.

The control is weird. As you can see the instruction manual explains it. To do different punches and kicks, you have to hold the joystick in a certain direction while hitting the button. It's also ridiculous tryin' to hit anybody; You have to be like a step away! And no matter how many times you hit somebody, they don't die! [fighting an enemy] Die! [continues attacking the enemy, who refuses to die] What the hell? [looks at the screen in shock]

There's also this annoying menu screen that keeps popping up. It took me a while to figure out that I activate this thing by pressing Down and the button.

So, I get to this menu by total accident, and I don't know what to do here. What is all this shit? "Restart game"? Who the fuck's talkin' about restarting? [tries to type "N", but the keyboard doesn't respond] Oh, the keypad's busted. Oh, that's great. Yeah, that's another thing about the Commodore: It only works when it feels like it.

Well, anyway, the game sucks, gotta give it the Batman punishment! [Batman voice] I'm Batman. [throws the "Batman: The Caped Crusader" Commodore 64 disk to the ground]

Next up, Batman Forever for the Super Nintendo. Now we're in deep shit, because this game is triceratops testicles.