ColinI don’t think you’re pulling your weight, frankly!
Colin
[confused] What?
Colin
[looking around] Where?
NO you called me Frankly, my name’s Frank Woodley, frankly it makes me uncomfortable.
Colin
What makes you uncomfortable?
Colin
Yes, I wish you were just honest with me. What’s upsetting you?
I don’t like it when you drop the wood!
Colin
I didn’t drop the wood! Frankly, I don’t what you’re talking about!
Colin
Cut the wood!
I’m not cutting the Wood. It’s part of my name!
Colin
Grab an axe and cut up pieces of timber for me!
Oh, okay. Why didn’t you just say so!
[Colin and Frank are watching a game show to decide who’s smarter. Colin’s buzzer is a rubber duck, Frank’s is a whoopee cushion.]
THTV host
What is a glockenspiel?
Colin
[Squeezes his rubber duck.] What somebody says when they’re trying to sell you a glocken.
THTV host
What is the sum of the inside angles of a triangle?
[Squeezes his whoopee cushion.] Albert Einstein.
THTV host
Who created Tom Sawyer?
Colin
Mr and Mrs Sawyer.
THTV host
Ichthyology is the study of what?
THTV host
Name three prime numbers.
Colin
What the hell are you doing?
Well, I haven’t got very much general knowledge, Col, so I thought I’d try using the law of averages.
THTV host
What is the chemical symbol for sulphur?
[Both squeeze their buzzes, but neither answer. Col looks at Frank.]
Oh, I didn’t actually squeeze my buzzer then.
[Frank is talking about how boring his mum is.]
I wish someone would take her out.
Colin
Right... and make it look like an accident...
No, I meant take her out to dinner.
That's it, tiger, walk to me!
Colin
Frank, the baby's a week old! Little baby Cris...to...pher can’t walk anywhere!
Well, that’s the sort of negative parenting that I've come to expect from you.
CColin (voiceover)
In the last episode of "The Adventures of Lano & Woodley", Col became an international jewel thief! And Frank became the sole survivor of a plane crash in the African Congo...
FFrank (voiceover)
Hang on! That's not what happened!
CColin (voiceover)
Yeah, I'm trying to confuse the audience, make them think "Hey, I don't remember seeing that!"
FFrank (voiceover)
Just tell them what happened!
CColin (voiceover)
All right, shall we do the intro first?
FFrank (voiceover)
Yeah, sure.
[Frank almost cuts Colin's towel to change the baby's diaper.]
Colin
Hey, what're you doing? That's my towel!
Eh? Oh, I didn't even realise. I just grabbed the first towel I saw.
Colin
[grabs Frank's towel] Well, why do we have to use my towel?
[swipes his towel from Colin] Well, why do we have to use my towel? [throws it onto the table with Colin's towel]
Colin
[chuckles] Look, this is ridiculous! This is so petty! Look, it doesn't worry me whose towel we use.
Well, it doesn't worry me either.
Colin
Okay, well if it doesn't worry you and if it doesn't worry me, we've just gotta use one of the towels. So let's just use, unhhh... [grabs Frank's towel] ...your towel.
[throws his towel back on the table] Col, don't start that again please. We haven't got time for that nonsense. We're in a hurry. Pass me...your towel.
Colin
[hands him Frank's towel, cheekily] Okay, there you go.
[realises it's his towel and places it back on the table] Hang on...
Colin
Okay! Fine, we'll use my towel. While we're arguing, the little baby is suffering in there with a dirty nappy! Why don't we just make a decision? We're using my towel. [grabs his towel and takes the scissors] It'll be better this way anyway. [prepares to cut]
Good. [stops Colin] Why would it be better this way?
Colin
Well my, uhh...my towel's more hygenic. It'll be cleaner.
I think my towel's cleaner.
Colin
[throws his towel on the table] Alright, we'll use your towel!
Well, you turned around rather quickly!
Colin
Okay, we'll use my towel!
Good. [to the baby] We're gonna use Col's towel!
[Colin takes Frank's towel and rips it in half.]
Colin
Oh, was it? Oh, sorry. Well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Colin
Pointers for surviving in a tropical environment. Look it says here, um, beware of the following plants…
[Gasps.] The following plants? I’ve never heard of following plants! What do they do after they follow you? Do they grab you and devour you with their woody limbs?
Colin
No they do not!
Do they eat you into their timber teeth?
Colin
No they don’t!
Colin
How did you learn how to climb a coconut tree?
'Cause, once I was watching Getaway.
Colin
Getaway!
[Colin pretends to feel himself up.]
[Laughs.] We think we’re hilarious! Yes. And I saw the Fijians climbing them so I watched how to learn, I learned how to, I saw them! But there’s no coconuts.
Colin
What?
Must be the wrong season or something.
Colin
Bummer.
Maybe we can chew on these luscious palm fronds. Oh no, they taste all plasticy. You know what that tastes like?
Colin
What?
That tastes like the shade cloth you get at Bunnings. Lowest prices are just the beginning but unfortunately nutritional value isn't the ending.
Don’t do anything stupid.
Colin
Yeah.
Like for example, if a fly lands on me check and walks across my top lip don’t go [sniffs loudly] and suck it up my nose. ‘Cause that would be stupid.
Colin
That would be stupid and dumb and wrong.
I did that once. It was stupid. [Goes to walk off stage but turns around.] No I really did do it. It was a weird moment. As it was walking across there I just couldn’t help but think, I reckon I could catch that! And I went [sniffs] and I caught, and I did! It was stupid.
Col, I’ve gotta be honest with you.
Colin
What?
I’m a little bit uncomfortable about how much swearing there has been on the show.
Colin
What?
In the show, there’s been too much swearing.
Colin
We’re on an island. We’re dying alright?
Yes but there, you know, we’re a very visual act. And so often, you know, sometimes kids come.
Colin
What?
There might be kids here and you know what? We’re not setting a very good example with all the language. I don’t feel like, are there any kids here tonight? Any kids at all? Here you are. What about this little, what’s your name mate? James. How old are you James? James is nine. He’s nine. You’re a role model for him.
Colin
If I’m his role model, he should get out more. I swear. There’s plenty of other role models okay?
James, I just wanna make it very clear to you okay? That um, even though we’re swearing in our show, a little bit, we’re certainly not encouraging you to ever use the word fuck.
Colin
What are you doing?
I need to make this clear. Don’t ever say fuck James. Don’t say fuck.
Colin
What?
If you said fuck James, that would be very bad. But we can say fuck because we’re in a show. In shows you can say fuck. Once, James, once we were in this show called the chickens. And it went for eight months. It was like a festival show. And it went for eight months and in the whole show all we ever did was go ‘fuck, fuck, fuck,’ it was a great show! But it was a show. Can you see the difference? You know, in a show you can say fuck, but you should never. Like for example, if your mum ever says to you ‘come on James it’s time for bed.’ Don’t turn around and go ‘that’s fuck.’ Don’t. Because if you, if you said that James, if you said that, do you know what that would be? That would be fuck. And I can say that 'cause I’m in a show. And I’m sure your father agrees with me, at least I certainly hope he does because he’s, he’s quite a large muscular man!
The Adventures of Lano and Woodley · 72 quotes