Colin quotes from The Adventures of Lano and Woodley

Frank

Are we going to do a song?

Colin

I’m doing a song. Piss off.

Colin

We’ve gotta make some changes. We’ve got food, we’ve got water, what we need is leadership.

Frank

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Colin

So I’ve had a bit of a chat with myself and I reckon from now on you should call me something like, um, king. Okay, and um…

Frank

Col?

Colin

What?

Frank

There’s no way in the world that I’m ever gonna treat you as my king. [Colin gives Frank a nipple cripple.] Stop it, you’re hurting me your highness.

Colin

Okay that’s good. I’ll be King Col. ‘Old King Cole, what a merry old sole, what a merry old sole was he.’

Frank

Have you heard the second verse? It goes ‘Old King Cole, what a massive ass hole.’ Why do you get to be king? It’s not fair.

Colin

I’m you king, do not insult me! [Bam, bam] I said insult all right? I didn’t… [Bam, bam] I didn't say salt alright, I… [Bam, bam]

Frank

You’d better stop doing that mate or he’ll assault you. [Bam, bam] And he can do that cause he’s the king. He’s the sultan! [Bam, bam.]

Colin

What was your idea hummus boy?

Frank

You’re not gonna regret this king kong.

Colin

I hope I’m not.

Colin

Hey, hey!

Frank

Gotcha!

Colin

What are you doing?

Frank

I’m eating the chicken.

Colin

You can’t kill the chicken with the fire extinguisher! That fire extinguisher is not on the island you idiot. It was from the theatre.

Frank

Col, we’re starving to death. I don’t think now is the time for rigid adherences to theatrical convention.

Colin

Look you idiot, if you can kill the chicken with the fire extinguisher that means if you want sweets you just go into the foyer and get a Kit Kat!

Frank

Well, I can’t do that 'cause I don’t have any money, because my wallet went down in the plane. Get a bit of brainage!

Colin

Give me the chicken.

Frank

No.

Colin

Give me the bird!

Colin

Get down here so I can kill you!

Frank

Well, that's an enticing invitation!

Frank

Have you seen Lord of the Rings?

Colin

No.

Frank

That trilogy of films, that’s the most successful trilogy of films in all history and you know why?

Colin

Why?

Frank

It had a happy ending. It won 11 Oscars 'cause it had a happy ending. 'Cause Frodo gets the ring and he throws it into the volcano at the end he destroys it. It’s a happy ending. He gets it back. Into the volcano with that big eye. I don’t know what that was all about. And he destroys it. It’s a happy ending. He goes through all those trials and tribulations but at the end he gets it back. He throws it in. it’s a happy ending. IT TOOK HIM NINE, FUCKING, HOURS! But he gets it back, he gets it in. it’s a happy ending. It’s happy. It’s a happy ending.

Frank

[Grabs the fire extinguisher.] Col, come over here.

Colin

No, don’t muck around with that okay, seriously, no seriously don’t muck around with that.

Frank

I’ve come up with a new end for the show.

Colin

Yeah, but I, look, we can talk…

Frank

You know how it ends?

Colin

Yeah, but…

Frank

It ends by me going ‘TAKE THAT!’ [Tries to spray Col with fire extinguisher. Nothing happens.] Okay, TAKE THAT ALL ONTO YA! AND YOU CAN ALL TAKE IT ON YOU! Well, that’s a bit embarrassing. Because I don’t know how to MAKE IT ALL BE TAKEN ON YA! I thought I just, must have been out of stuff. Unfortunate, isn’t it. It would have been much better if I could have made it BE ALL TAKEN ON YOU! You know. I could have made it be TAKE THAT ON YOU ON YOUR BODICE! You know. That would have been better. If I could’ve um, TAKE THAT! TAKE THAT ONTO YOUR SKIN SO YOU GET A COLD BURN WHICH I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD GET UNTIL ME AND CLEM WERE MUCKING AROUND WITH THIS BEFORE THE SHOW, AND I GOT ONE!

Frank

TAKE IT INTO YOUR KNEES! ALTHOUGH I MEAN THE BACK OF YOUR KNEES AND I DON’T KNOW IF THAT’S CALLED YOUR KNEES CAUSE NORMALLY WHEN PEOPLE SAY KNEES THEY THINK OF THE FRONT. BUT IN THIS PARTICULAR OCCASION I’M REFERRING TO THE BACK!

Frank

TAKE IT ONTO YOUR PINKY SO IT FREEZES AND BECOMES A WHITEY.

Frank

TAKE IT ONTO YOUR BACK FACE! TAKE IT ON TO YOUR RIGHT EYEBALL, SO IT FREEZES AND CAN’T MOVE AROUND, SO THEN WHEN YOU LOOK AROUND, ONLY YOUR LEFT EYEBALL MOVES, AND YOUR RIGHT EYEBALL STAYS COMPLETELY STATIONARY, AND YOU FREAK JAMES OUT!

Colin

[There’s a long pause. Colin beckons Frank over, and says rather calmly,] If all the village idiots, in all the villages, left their villages, and formed their own village - OF IDIOTS - in that village, YOU would be the village idiot. [Another pause.] Take that into your backface.

Frank

Actually Col, I think you should TAKE THAT! [He whacks Colin in the face with the extinguisher.]

Frank

Do you sense their enchantment?

Colin

I sense their bewilderment!

Frank

YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T!

Colin

Don't call me that!

Frank

C for Colin and F for –

Colin

Fuckwit.

Frank

How do you come up with these ideas? Where do you find them in your, from behind your face? The Great Wall of China.

Colin

I just read about it in a book.

Frank

Oh, I’m hoping one day to read a book.

I've just realised, we're speaking in British accents.

Yes?

We're American!