Colin quotes from The Adventures of Lano and Woodley

Colin

Ba-da!!

Frank

Why are you taking an oar?

Colin

In case we hire a canoe.

Frank

Yeah, but the canoes come with oars.

Colin

I want to use my oar.

Frank

But why?

Colin

My great great great grandfather gave this to me. It's one of my most prized possessions.

Frank

Yeah?

Colin

Yeah, he gave it to me just a few years back.

Frank

But how could your great great great grandfather have given it to you? He must have died about a hundred years ago!

Colin

He just... ohh, sorry. He's not my grandfather's father's father's father, he's just my normal grandfather. But he's a really great, great, great grandfather. He's really great! I love him!

Colin

Remind the neighbours to feed the cat... yep.

Frank

Col, we haven’t got a cat.

Colin

But their cat’s looking really skinny.

Colin

Frank, what’s wrong?

Frank

[Lying to Col about why he’s upset.] Grandad’s dead.

Colin

[Sits down.] Frank, didn’t your grandad die five years ago?

Colin

I think it’s time you got over it.

Colin

Remember? We were sitting at home, and you had to go down to the shops, and I got the phone call saying that he died, and when you got back from the shops I told... [realizes what he said] Ooooh. [cheerfully] Your grandad’s dead, Frank!

Colin

You’re so dumb, aren’t you? You’re such an idiot. You’re so stupendous!

Frank

Col, I don’t think you know what that word means.

Colin

I know exactly what it means. And you’re just jealous ‘cause you know I’m so much better. You know I’m superfluous!

Colin

You’ve been making an excuse everyday for the last fortnight.

Frank

I have not. That’s not true, it’s only been two weeks.

What about Silence of the Lambs?

Colin

Nah, I'm not really into nature films.

Frank

Excuse me, have you got that film? You know, that, um, that film with that guy. You know, that, um, that actor guy. You know, that actor who who’s in all those films. Have you got it? You know, you know the one I mean, oh what’s his name? Um, he’s been in heaps of films, you’d know him, you’d know him for sure. Um. You know, that... actor guy!

Colin

[Looking at a video] Oh, what about Herbie Goes Bananas? Like, who’s Herbie? Is he some, like, psychopath of something?

Frank

Oh, um, hey. Hey! Oh, uh, this’ll help. This’ll help. I just thought, he was in that other film. The one where he, um, where he plays a cop. You know! You know the film I mean, where that actor guy plays a cop.

Colin

[To the video shop guy.] Want me to put it back for you?

No, it’s okay. I’ll do it. It’s my job.

Frank

Oh, and he was after that bad guy. You know! Ah, the... And he’s... the um... the actor guy! What is his name? See, the thing is... the thing is... the thing is, that when I say it, you’ll go ‘ah! Yes. Him. I love him. Adore him, the actor guy, yes. I just, mmm. Yes!’ But I can’t think of his... oh, it’s on the tip of my tongue! [Sticks his tongue out and looks at it.] You’d know it. See, the thing is... the thing is that you would know him, he’s got the hair, and the eyes, bit of a nose, and the mouth there, and he... it’s all held together with a... like a face!

Shut up!

Frank

Col. I love you, Col.

Colin

Frank. [pause] Love is a very strong word, for me. [He goes to leave, then stops.] Frank. I... tolerate you. [He goes to leave again, then turns around and they hug tightly.]

Sorry, have I come at a bad time?

[They look at him, then each other, and then at Mr Mannox.] He loved that factory.

Colin

Didn’t he, Frank?

Frank

He certainly did, Greg. Greg? Greg, Greg, Gregory Peck! The actor guy! Gregory Peck! [He looks frantically between Col and the video shop guy, the solemnly back at Mr Mannox.]

Frank

You know the strangest thing about Mr. Wilson? When he comes over he never says anything.

Colin

Yeah, that’s because he is a mute.

Frank

Oh right. [Pause.] What’s a mute?

Colin

He’s a mute - he can’t talk.

Frank

Ohh... No, I’m still not clear on this mute business.

Colin

For some reason he is unable to speak.

Frank

Ohhh... No, I still don’t get it.

Colin

He’s a mute! He’s dumb!

Frank

Yeah, well, I’m dumb too, but at least I’m polite enough to speak to people!

Colin

As my father always used to say, "The early bird catches the worm".

Frank

[Confused] How does that relate to this?

Colin

Well, the first bird up, the worms are his.

Frank

[Still confused] Yes but, I don't see the connection with our problem.

Colin

[Circling the hole in the wall with a chisel] If you're up before the other biiiiirrrrrrdddds, you won't go hungry.

Frank

[Still confused] Yes, but...

Colin

[Yelling] LOOK I DONT KNOW. I'M JUST TRYING TO BE POSITVE. MY FATHER SAID IT, IT RELATED TO SOMETHING, AND IT MADE ME FEEL GOOD. CAN WE JUST GET ON WITH IT?!

Colin

It's gonna be great in there tonight isn't it? With all those pop stars and dancers and actors.

Frank

I wonder if any of the great Hollywood actors'll be there Col, like Charlton Burton.

Colin

[pauses] There's no such person you idiot. It's either Charlton Heston or Richard Burton.

Frank

No, Charlton Burton. There's a Charlton Burton! He was in that film, that classic film, everybody loves it, 'The Long Long Eyebrow.' It's my favourite.

Colin

I wanna be good out there, Frank! This is my big chance to make a mark in the world! I wanna be remembered. I...I wanna be famous. I wann be a historical figure like Alexander the Great or Scott of the Antarctic or Weird Al Yankovic, you know!

Frank

I didn't know anyone even lived in the Antartic.

Colin

[confused] What?

Frank

[recalling what Colin said] Scott. Scott of the Antartic.

Colin

He wasn't from the Antarctic. He was English. He went there on an expedition. Look, we haven't got time to talk about that now.

Frank

Well, why do they call him 'Scott OF the Antarctic'? They should call him 'Scott Who Went TO the Antartic'. I mean, a friend of mine Russell went to Thailand once and I don’t call him 'Russell of Thailand'.

Colin

Can we just get on with rehearsal please?

Frank

And why'd he go there anyway?

Colin

He wanted to be the first man to reach the South Pole, but he was beaten by some Norwegian guy. He froze to death on the way back.

Frank

So, they should call him 'Scott Who Went to the Antartic...But Probably Shouldn't Have'.

Frank

I really think we should go out.

Frank

It's worth a try.

Colin

I don't think so.

Frank

Give it a chance.

Colin

There's no way.

Frank

Come on, Col.

Colin

I'm not sure.

Frank

Could just work.

Colin

You really think so?

Frank

You never know.

Colin

I just don't...

Frank

You're coming 'round.

Colin

[enthusiastically] I think I am!

Frank

That's the way!

Colin

Let's give it a try!

Frank

I'm with you!

Colin

So I am!

Frank

Come on, let's go!

Colin

I gotta get ready!

Frank

Good idea!

Colin

I'm hitting the shower!

Frank

I am too!

Colin

[sternly] No, you're not! I like to shower alone. I mean, I like...I like you a lot. And we're gonna go out tonight. It's gonna be great. But I'd rather shower by myself if that's all the same to you. Okay?

Frank

I'm gonna go on a long walk and collect autumn leaves.

Colin

You'd better make it a long walk.

Frank

Why?

Colin

Because its SPRING...