Sue Thomas quotes from Sue Thomas: F.B.Eye

I want you to get back in there with him. Keep trying to turn him as long as we've got.

Sue

You saw how it went. All he did was shrug off his problems and make passes at me. You could have done that well without being able to communicate with him at all.

Well, I doubt he would have made passes at me.

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[The team is watching a surveillance video of a bank robber dressed as Santa Claus.]

Sue

I've seen that face before.

And that round little belly. I hear it shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.

My intelligence sources say he works with a group of reindeer--the gang of eight.

Yeah, and their leader's a young buck, Rudolph, code name Red-Nose.

There's two things you don't mess with: Elvis and Santa.

All right, this is serious. We are talking about armed bank robbery here.

All right, Myles is right.

Oh, bah, humbug.

We promise we won't make fun of Santa anymore.

[Myles turns back to the screen.]

Sue

Because if we did, we might get coal in our stockings.

[Bobby laughs. Myles turns and looks at Sue.]

Sue

Sorry, it just slipped out.

[Myles throws down his papers and walks away.]

Oh, Merry Christmas, Ebenezer!

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[Jack, Sue, Bobby and Levi (Sue's hearing dog) are in a car. Jack is driving.]

I thought you knew where the British Embassy was.

I do. It's right around the corner.

That's what you said three laps ago.

Sue

Just look at the map.

Don't do it. Not worth the humility.

Real men don't need maps.

Sue

Oh give it to me. I don't have the "male map phobia" gene.

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How do you do it?

Sue

How do I do what?

You look so refreshed! You were here when I left last night for thirty minutes of tossing and turning on an incredibly uncomfortable Bureau-issued cot. When I got back you were still here.

Well, the noise doesn't bother her so she probably takes catnaps.

Myles! That is the most-!

Oh, save it. [He leaves]

Sue

It's true, I do take catnaps. But I tell Levi they're "dognaps". Right, Levi?

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Sue

Lucy, what do you think? Should I wear my hair up or down?

Up.

Down.

[Lucy stares at Jack. Jack looks away.]

Sue

What?

Jack likes your hair down.

Sue

You do?

[still uncomfortable] What, can't a guy have an opinion on hair?

Well put, Sparky. Nice to see you're not afraid to show your feminine hairdresser side.

You all need professional help.

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[The team has just finished a case in which Jack purposely antagonized a sniper to predict his actions]

Sue

Please don't ever make yourself a target again, or I might take you out. [raises her fist]

[laughs and raises his hands in surrender] Okay.

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[The team has just discovered that Sue and Jack are going undercover as a married couple. The team enters]

And here are the newlyweds now.

[The team begins to throw confetti on Jack and Sue]

Ah, to be young, and in love.

I'm always amazed at how quick word travels in this building...

It's the FBI, the walls have ears.

Speaking of ears, hear that clanging, Sparky? That's the sound of your ball and chain. [Winks at Sue]

Hey, Sue, the boys are going out for a beer after work. Can Jack come?

Sue

As long as he's home in time to mow the lawn.

[Myles enters]

What happened?

You missed it. Jack and Sue got married.

I went out for a tuna sandwich, how long was I gone?

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[Sue and Jack went undercover as a married couple]

I've heard that the traits that originally attract you to a person are the ones that end up driving you nuts. Would either of you care to confirm or deny that rumour?

Sue

Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Thank you.

Sue

...with Jack it's a whole new set of traits that drive you crazy.

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Must be nice to have such a warm and fuzzy outlook on life.

Sue

That's just the kind of attitude I'd expect from a guy who goes to bars to meet women!

Our first fight?

Sue

Probably not our last.

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[Sue has just discovered a commercial she filmed is being used in a senator's reelection campaign without her knowledge]

So what are you gonna do about it?

Sue

I'm going to go and exercise another one of my rights, that's what I'm gonna do about it!

[She stomps off.]

I hope this isn't the one about the right to bear arms.

I think her bare hands are gonna be enough.

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[Sue is sleeping in a chair at work. Jack wakes her up]

I've just been informed that you're spending too much time here. The Bureau wants rent.

Sue

Tell them to take it out of the overtime pay. Oh wait, I forgot there is none.

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In the meantime, Lucy, we need 200 voucher forms.

I'll bite. Why do you need 200 voucher forms?

Operation Paper Chase.

Our target: Randy the ridiculous.

Our chosen weapon: forms. Our goal: to bury the man in them.

Sue

I'm not following.

You're not the only one.

Randy doesn't wish to reimburse us for car rental or work boots, he can reimburse us for the toothpicks I used in my undercover persona during the Sackbar case.

The pack of gum I chewed in the Burroughs sting.

The box of paper clips I used to complete the Curran report. All of which we paid for out of our own pockets.

We got all kinds of receipts, and each one will be attached to its own personal voucher form.

Sue

I used three sheets of a yellow pad at home last night for F.B.I. business. That should be three vouchers.

Hey!

[Dimitrius, Bobby, and Myles fist bump Sue.]

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[Jack and Sue have gone undercover in a law firm]

Janice [looking at Jack]: Is he as nice as he is cute?

Sue

You think he's cute?

[laughs] What are you, blind?

Sue

No, but I am deaf.

[Janice thinks she is joking and laughs]

Sue

[slightly awkwardly] I really am deaf.

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You were really good back there. [Sue stares at him.] I mean, the deposition line.

Sue

Yeah, you too. [Hastily clarifying] With the deposition. That was quick thinking.

Good teamwork.

Sue

It’s all about teamwork.

You know that moment back there that was a response to a situation.

Sue

Very effective.

Cause I would never… Well I mean… I…

Sue

It certainly changes our cover story.

I don’t know, I don’t think it’s a big problem. Do you?

Sue

No, probably just a few more looks around the water cooler.

Probably not the first time they’ve seen a boss/secretary thing.

Sue

Probably not.

[Sue drops her keys and they both reach for them, touching hands.]

Sue

Well, I better get home. See how Levi and Lucy are kissing along… getting along. [Jack chuckles.] How they’re getting along.

Yeah, I’ll see you in the morning.

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Firewall I can’t crack hasn’t been invented yet. Except the one I used which was invented by me.

You’re the best.

[Jack hugs Tara. Sue and Janice enter the office.]

Mr. Buchanan?

Janice. Hi.

Working late again, I see?

Sue, aren’t you and Janice supposed to be going out to dinner together?

Sue

We were, I mean we are.

I forgot my cell phone and Ms. Kern is prone to calling me at all hours so we came back to get it. [to Sue] Certainly works the over time, doesn’t he?

Hi, I’m Tara, just flew in from Milwaukee to surprise my hubby.

I see. Well, I hope you have a pleasant visit. Don’t work too hard.

[She glares at Jack as she exits.]

Why do I get the feeling I missed something?

Office politics.