Lucy Dotson quotes from Sue Thomas: F.B.Eye

Lucy

[to Sue] That's a man for you: the world's coming to an end and he's scalping tickets.

Lucy

[to Dimitrius] Whatever you've done to the heating system, please undo it. There are only so many layers of clothing one can remove without violating the dress code.

Lucy

How do you do it?

Sue

How do I do what?

Lucy

You look so refreshed! You were here when I left last night for thirty minutes of tossing and turning on an incredibly uncomfortable Bureau-issued cot. When I got back you were still here.

Myles

Well, the noise doesn't bother her so she probably takes catnaps.

Lucy

Myles! That is the most-!

Myles

Oh, save it. [He leaves]

Sue

It's true, I do take catnaps. But I tell Levi they're "dognaps". Right, Levi?

Sue

Lucy, what do you think? Should I wear my hair up or down?

Lucy

Up.

Jack

Down.

Sue

What?

Lucy

Jack likes your hair down.

Sue

You do?

Jack

[still uncomfortable] What, can't a guy have an opinion on hair?

Bobby

Well put, Sparky. Nice to see you're not afraid to show your feminine hairdresser side.

Jack

You all need professional help.

Lucy

And here are the newlyweds now.

Tara

Ah, to be young, and in love.

Jack

I'm always amazed at how quick word travels in this building...

Dimitrius

It's the FBI, the walls have ears.

Bobby

Speaking of ears, hear that clanging, Sparky? That's the sound of your ball and chain. [Winks at Sue]

Dimitrius

Hey, Sue, the boys are going out for a beer after work. Can Jack come?

Sue

As long as he's home in time to mow the lawn.

Myles

What happened?

Tara

You missed it. Jack and Sue got married.

Myles

I went out for a tuna sandwich, how long was I gone?

Myles

How can someone sound cute?

Lucy

Not to worry Myles, that's a problem you'll never have.

Lucy

So what are you gonna do about it?

Sue

I'm going to go and exercise another one of my rights, that's what I'm gonna do about it!

Bobby

I hope this isn't the one about the right to bear arms.

Jack

I think her bare hands are gonna be enough.

Myles

This is an engraved invitation to the big dance of history, and all I have to do is slit open that golden envelope and show up on time in my Kevlar tuxedo!

Lucy

It's official. You've finally lost it.

Bobby

In the meantime, Lucy, we need 200 voucher forms.

Jack

I'll bite. Why do you need 200 voucher forms?

Dimitrius

Operation Paper Chase.

Myles

Our target: Randy the ridiculous.

Bobby

Our chosen weapon: forms. Our goal: to bury the man in them.

Sue

I'm not following.

Lucy

You're not the only one.

Myles

Randy doesn't wish to reimburse us for car rental or work boots, he can reimburse us for the toothpicks I used in my undercover persona during the Sackbar case.

Dimitrius

The pack of gum I chewed in the Burroughs sting.

Bobby

The box of paper clips I used to complete the Curran report. All of which we paid for out of our own pockets.

Dimitrius

We got all kinds of receipts, and each one will be attached to its own personal voucher form.

Sue

I used three sheets of a yellow pad at home last night for F.B.I. business. That should be three vouchers.

Bobby

Hey!

Myles

How we gonna do that? The reason Chinese gangs are called Chinese gangs is that all the members of the gang tend to be Chinese.

Lucy

How do you do it, Myles? Always so insightful.

Myles

If ever I show the slightest bit of arrogance around any of you, please call me on it.

Lucy

You better have call waiting 'cause that's gonna be one busy phone line.

Tara

Is that request retroactive?

Jack

It was a good job while it lasted.

Sue

I’m sure your friend in Wisconsin will be glad to have his identity back.

Tara

I have a bone to pick with you, Mister. Seems you’ve been cheating on me. With one of my own friends, no less.

Sue

You talked to Janice.

Tara

So, any chance we can work this out? Or do I have to file for divorce?

Jack

Okay, now that you’ve had your fun is there any chance we can keep this on the down low?

Bobby

What? Keep the tabloid story of the century off the airwaves? Actually, we have a nice little office pool going. I say Sparky and Tara will weather the storm and stay together.

Dimitrius

Yeah, but the smart money’s on Sue, the home wrecker, landing her man.

Lucy

What did I miss? What are you guys talking about?

Bobby

Jack and Sue making out in the dragon lady’s office at Callahan and Merced.

Lucy

What?!

Jack

We weren’t… we… we weren’t making out.

Dimitrius

You want to go under oath and say that? We have a reliable witness.

Sue

It was part of the undercover.

Lucy

So you were making out?

Jack

It wasn’t making out.

Bobby

What exactly was it?

Jack

We’re late.

Tara

You can’t get away with this that easily, two-timer! I want justice!

Lucy

I want to hear every detail.

Bobby

Woo hoo!

Sue

Did he just say what I think he said?

Lucy

He said somebody wants to kill him, and I presume he means somebody besides us.

Lucy

I thought we'd never get out of there. Anita says she has to chew every bite at least 50 times to aid in her digestion. Who even knew you could digest eggplant spirulina casserole?

Sue

Who knew you'd ever want to? [Lucy chuckles] If she's going to stay longer, maybe you should at least get your bedroom back.

Lucy

Oh, it's okay. I'm so tired I could sleep on a bed of nails. I'll be fine. But why are you still up?

Sue

I was going to take a shower before bed, but I made the mistake of not getting started before you got home.

Lucy

I know. She's been in there longer than some third-world regimes stay in power. With any luck we'll have hot water again by next week.

Lucy

I've never heard of half the stuff on Anita's special shopping list. Free-range egg white extract?

Sue

Probably on the shelf right next to wheat-free soy lasagna.

Myles

Ah, the good host syndrome. Open your door to a wayward traveler, and before you know it, you're at their mercy. Your routines disrupted, your cupboards emptied, the sanctity of your castle hopelessly compromised.

Tara

What do you recommend, Sir Myles? Toss them out in the street?

Myles

No, I recommend a drawbridge and a moat. Never let them breach the gates in the first place.

Bobby

I follow the three day law. They stay longer than that, I throw their gear on the porch, change the locks, turn on the sprinklers.

Tara

Now that's hospitable.