CPCassie Pines
Just because your dad was killed in some freak accident nobody can have one!? Well, I'll tell you something. My daddy's alive and yours is dead and ain't nothing gonna change that!
S2 E4The Goodbye Guy
[upon walking into the cafeteria] Good Lord! Is this where they eat?! Tell me this is some kind of holding cell for miscreants.
S2 E5Hit and Run
Noblet... why are you crying? It's only a melon. Just a lonely melon... no other melons around, not a patch in sight. What's it doing out here? And why is it carrying a picnic basket with two of everything: two portobella mushroom sandwiches, two macaroons... Who would abandon a faceless melon? Can you imagine how that melon must've felt, Noblet? Can you imagine?
If one of my teachers loses his face, I lose face!
[excusing himself from Jellineck's bedside in the hospital] I've got to go see a student in the maternity ward.
[weeping wretchedly] Those lips! Oh, those pillowy lips!
Don't make me put my rings on!
Block the door with your budding femininity!
[to students visiting Jellineck] Do not cry out in terror if you gaze upon the grossly misshapen mass that was once his head. Act natural. No matter how strongly your monkey reflexes might kick in telling you to flee in terror. Now, I'll go see if he's ready. [Blackman goes into Jellineck's ward] Sweet Jesus, protect me!
S2 E6The Blank Page
All right, anyone who doesn't not want to avoid passing the midterm exam, raise your hand now. [Pause. Several hands go up hesitantly.] Okay. Those of you who raised your hands will fail, as you requested.
Maybe it's time to stop not doing what you pretended you can do and can't, and start doing the thing that you can't do, but can no longer pretend that you can.
I'm an obtuse man, so I'll try to be oblique. Your illiteracy has made me the whipping boy of this school district. I attended the school board meeting this morning, and they all had their little laugh. It was a feeding frenzy of cackling hyenas, and I was the wildebeest carcass.
S2 E7To Love, Honor and Pretend
[to her pretend husband] You don't wanna beat me or screw me!? What kind of marriage is this? Bring a book.
GODDAMMIT! You're picking at my brain like a jackal!
What's it like being a whore? Wait a minute, I know that one.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Strangers with Candy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.